My brother and Iwere talking about dating last night. He has been working the apps hard and having a steady stream of dates. Unfortunately, he’s having the same trouble I usually have–falling for people who aren’t currently emotionally available. But, that’s not the point of this post. We were talking about the criteria we would have for a dating partner. He has graduated college as his base education level. He said that he knew it was probably cutting off some women he would click with, but he felt it would at least indicate a level of conversation he wanted.
I could tell that he thought I would argue with him though we have talked about this before. He had said some of his other critieria, and I had been critical about it. For example, he likes really skinny white women. Which, ok. I firmly believe you like what you like. However, it’s undeniable that media affects what is and isn’t considered beauty, and it’s not coincidental that skinny blondes are considered the ideal.
What I DID push back on was when he talked about heavier women in disparaging terms. Saying obese like it was an epithet, for example. Or when he put down Asian women with accents as sounding less intelligent. Yes, internalized racism is a thing, sadly. I did not brook with either of these especially as there was a hint of ‘fat women are gross’ to the former. In addition, he’s not skinny himself. And my brother likes skinny. No boobs, but with hips. No ass, though. I had to let him know that what he liked wasn’t that achievable for most women.
Also, I do not truck with hearing how gross he thinks big boobs are. I have massive tits! They are not gross. They might not appeal to everyone (but, honestly, they do to most people), but they are not disgusting–which was the vibe my brother was giving. Not about my boobs, obviously, but about big boobs in general. I tried to get him to understand that I wasn’t saying he hated to date fat women or women with big tits, but he might want to mind how he talked about them. And take into account how deeply sexisst our society was in the demand that women take up less space.
I did emphasize, though, that of course he was attracted to whomever he was attracted to. I didn’t like the castigation from people saying everyone should be attracted to_______. I read an article by a trans woman who said that if you did not want to date a trans woman, you were transphobic. Or that if you did not want to date black men, for example, you were racist. Which might or might not be true, but why the hell would byou want someone to be guilted into dating you?
Are there racist people who don’t want to date Asian people? Yes, there are. Am I going to demand they date me? Hell, no! If someone was going to date me, I wanted it to be because they wanted to date me–not because they felt they had to. I’ve had white women who it felt as if they were trying to date me to be ‘good’ allies. Or to get brownie points. That was gross to me because I was not a charity case.
On the flip side, I cannot tell you how many white dudes wanted to date me because they LOOOOOOVED ORIENTAL GIRLS. I was on Prenty of Fish (yes, I’m that old) and Craigslist dating, and I specifiacally had in my ad that I did not want Asian fetishists. You would probably not be very surprised by how many guys did not read my ad.
Here’s the thing. I like my own company. A lot. Me and my cat, Shadow. That’s all I need. If I’m going to date someone, that person has to add something positive to my life. And it’s got to be someose I can chill out with–not trying to impress. I used to say that I hated dating. I liked the ‘sitting in the living room in sweats’ part of the relationship, but getting there was fraught.
Here’s the thing. I’m weird. We all know this. I’m a freak who is on the fringe of everything. I am fine with this. More than fine, in fact. I like who I am. For the most part. I have flaws, obviously, but I’m a pretty kick-ass person overall. And I don’t need to be with someone who doesn’t get that. I don’t need to date someone who doesn’t understand why I don’t like movies, for example. Or why I don’t watch TV. Or why I love FromSoft games.
I don’t mind explaining why all of this is true, but I DO mind people coming at me like there’s something wrong with me right out of the box. And I get tired trying to pretend that I’m normal. Or something close to it. Or even on the edges of it. I am not. There is nothing normal about me, but i’m also not fringe enough. I don’t drink or do drugs, so I don’t fit in with the creative lifestyle. More to the point, I do not want to date someone who does either. That really cuts down on my choices.
Side note but related: When I Google something, I use as specific terms as possible. My brother and I used to argue about this because he preferred sifting through the results himself and used more generic terms. He’s come around to seeing it my way and now uses more specific terms.
Here’s the thing. Yes, being very specific when dating will cut out viable possibilities, but it’s not as if there are only five total and you’re cutting out three. If there ar ea thousand you cut out while you retain five-thousand other viable choices, then you’re going to be just fine.
Honestly, I believe that you should date whomever you want. For most people, this is the one person you’re going to be spending the majority of your time with for the rest of your life (that’s the ideal at least). Be as picky as you want to be!
If I ever try dating again, there are some hard and fast musts I have that will sound snobby/picky to others. No drinking or drugs. A college education. No Republicans. Yes, there is a value judgement with each of these choices–but that’s the whole point. I want to date someone with similar values to mine. This is about what’s important to me, enough to get me off my couch and into, say, a coffee shop for two hours with a stranger. Me saying I won’t date anyone who’s a Republican will definitely cut down on my possibilities, which is a good thing!
Also, I don’t owe anyone a date. This is something female-shaped people really need to push back on. And, yes, I’m specifically saying it that way because men aren’t strong-armed as much into dating any woman just because she’s single and wants to date him. Women, on the other hand, are often urged to give any man a chance (because being single is a fate worse tahn death!) and to not have ‘such high standards’.
Here’s the thing. I prefer being single. it’s my default state of being. For a date to change that, they have to be pretty damn special. They have to be able to converse on a level that isn’t just superficial or one or two layers deep. They need to have a pretty high EQ, and they have to love cats. If my cat does not like you, you will not be allowed in my home. It’s pretty much that simple.
Because I’m coming from the vantage point of no date is better than a bad one, I can afford to be ‘picky’. I can afford to take my time and only go on the dates I really want to be on. And I won’t apologize for my high standards.