It’s time. My brother has left me his little camera, and it’s time to get shooting. I have a hatred of pictures and videos, which has been lifelong.
Brief primer: I have been fat for most of my life–except for the two times I deal with anorexia (and bulimia the first time). Well, to go back a bit more, I was a chunky kid, but I wasn’t out-and-out fat. This is an important distinction because my mother put me on my first diet when I was seven and hated on my body since that moment. She never had anything positive to say about my body, and when I was so skinny I was passing out from lack of food, her only comment was that my waist was smaller than hers–and it was said with much envy. This is something that scarred me for most of my life. I had to actually institute a ban on her mentioning my weight because it was that bad. She protested that she was only concerned about my health, which the previous anecdote has proven incorrect. But more to the point, she only harped on it looks-wise, saying things like, “You have such a pretty face and would be beautiful if you lost weight.” When I pointed out to her that I was the only one in the family with low blood pressure, she ignored that.
It’s not a nice feeling to know that your mother thinks you’re a grotesque pig. Pigs are so cute, by the way! I love them. So let me rephrase it by saying my mother thought/thinks I’m grotesque.
Because of that, I have hated the way I look all my life. To be fair, it’s not just her; it’s society in general. America is not kind to fat people, especially women. It’s one way, sadly, that women bond–over dieting and counting calories and exercise. If you don’t participate in the discussion, then you are considered suspect.
I understand bonding through shared experiences. It’s one reason I identify more with women than other genders. But, on the other hand, after a lifetime of being told that I am not a woman because I don’t do anything that women like to do or act in a way that is congruent with how other women act, well, it’s difficult for me to feel warmly about it.
Here’s the thing. Men are shite when it comes to certain kinds of misogyny–not consuming media made by non-male people, for example. And, more to the point, pooh-poohing it or deriding it. Sexual harassment, too, obviously. Or reducing women to their body parts. These are the grosser (in two meanings of the word) ways in which they can show their hatred of women, but they are not restricted to it by any means, of course.
On the other hand, women are often the gatekeepers of upholding the patriarchy. When I was in my twenties, I had so many women take me to task for not wanting children. I mention this every time I write about the subject, but I never brought up not wanting children unless someone asked me about it. At first, I didn’t bring it up because why would I? I didn’t want children, and we don’t usually talk about the negatives–what we aren’t, won’t do, etc. So it didn’t occur to me to bring it up until someone else did.
My point fir this point–I hated my body and face with a passion. Then, I had my medical trauma, and I got over all my body hatred issues. I love my body. It got me through death. Twice. It’s the best body in the world, and I’m only slightly exaggerating. Plus, I’m cute AF! My new glasses helped me see that I’m quite easy on the eyes, and I can flaunt it all I want. I am completely in love with my ass now that I actually have one, thanks to Taiji.
But this post is not about that. It’s the place for me to brainstorm about my new video channel. I’m not naming it for obvious reasons, but needless to say, it’s going to be a big change for many reasons.
One. No more blogging. I’m not sold on this yet, but blogging is pretty much dead. On the other hand, I’m not planning on doing video every day. I was thinking of starting with twice a week. I know it’s important to be consistent, which is my strong point with writing, but I’m not as sure it would be with video. I’m thinking of doing two different categories. One would be fun and tied to Friday because that’s how I had it initially on my blog. Also, Fun Fridays. That’s easy to remember. This one would be about pop media, including reviews on movies, books, and video games. You notice I did not mention TV. I hate TV. I also don’t like movies, but a movie is a one-and-done, so it’s much more digestible than a TV show. The only exception to the latter would be what I call gentle competitions, such as Blown Away. I love those, even though I have issues with the structure and some of the truisms of the shows. But I love them and they are very comforting to watch. I would gladly do a review of those.
The other category would be more broadly my life and my opinions. I probably would put that on Monday and call it….Musing Mondays or something like that. That’s also from my blog. I started with Myopia for Mondays, but that’s too big a word fer YouTube, even though that’s what I will be doing. Everything through the lens of ME. Maybe MEH Mondays because those are my initials, but that conveys more boredom than I intend. It works though, because it’ll be more a catch-all category in which I talk about politics, my view on different issues, and anything in my personal life–including my medical crisis and the insight I’ve garnered from it.
The only thing is that many of the things I want to talk about could fall under either. Such as Taiji. It’s fun, but it’s also the cornerstone of my life. Or if I did food videos, for example. That’s both fun and a part of my life. It could be more like the things I do (which include eating) fall under fun, but that seems murky to me.
That’s my problem, though. I’m not very good at dividing things up. Everything is intertwined for me. I was all about intersectionality before it become a thing. Because everything about me affects me at all times. I can’t say, “Oh, I’m just going to let the Taiwanese part of me out now. But not the AFAB part or the queer part.” I don’t know what that would even look like.
Back to blogging. I could continue to blog on the days I don’t post a video. I’m not sure if that’s wise, though. I plan on a completely different brand for my videos with a different name. Would I then blog on that site or this one? I’ll have to think more about it. In the meantime, I need to start cracking on experimenting with video. It’s something I’ve never done before.