In the last post, I was writing about how I want to use November as novel-writing month once again. Even though NaNoWriMo is (deservedly) disbanded, I still think of November as the time to write a novel. I have not written a complete one since my medical crisis, so I’m going to give it my best shot this year.
One problem I’ve had all my life (and it’s only increased since my medical crisis) is that I constantly edit what I think because I don’t want to upset/offend anyone. The reason I do that is because it was drummed in my head at a very early age that other people’s emotions and feelings mattered whereas mine did not. More than that, mine were bad and not to be shown, especially if they were negative. In my family, the only emotions/feelings that mattered were my father’s and if he wasn’t around, my mother’s.
What’s more, I was severely criticized/chastised if I dared to let my emotions show. Add to that the fact that I’m weird so I tend to keep my opinions that aren’t important to myselfd. Meaning, pop culture. I’ve joked/not joked about how I got dumped for my opinion on Pulp Fiction (hated it), and while that was a very particular situation, I’ve found that many people do not take it well when you don’t like something they love. No matter how gently I phrase it, it’s not taken well by the majority of people, so I don’t bother saying it until I know someone well enough to be assured they are not going to freak out.
I will say that I’m not trying to be contrary when I don’t liek something popular; I really am not. I usually know what I will and won’t like because my taste is very definite, but I have been surprised a time or two (in a positive way). I did not think I would like The Royal Tenenbaums, (Wes Anderson) but much to my surprise, I enjoyed it immensely.
When I write, there’s a soft, but persistent voice in the back of my mind telling me not to write this and not to say that. I can write pretty gruesome things without blinking an eye. I don’t find horror stuff scary, so I can throw any amount of that into my writing without a care in the world. But I can’t say shit that would be hurtful to people I really care about, even if it’s for the sake of fiction.
I have to get past that if I’m going to write a novel worth reading. I don’t want it to be safe, bland, or boring. On the other hand, I don’t want to just parrot shit that is hurtful without being intentional about it. I’m tired of hipster hatred. It’s not funny; it’s not clever; it just allows people to say shit that is hurtful under the thin veneer of comedy. There’s a YouTube content creator I watch that is starting to do this more and more, and it’s turning me off.