There are certain words and symbols that have morphed in ways I just cannot support. Or rather, I have a very different reaction to them based on their new meaning. One example is the American flag. After 9/11, it became a symbol of intolerance and hatred for me. People were putting up the American flag outside their homes and it felt dangerous not to do so. There was so much rhetoric about ‘Murika at that time, it angered me. I am already not a patriotic person because I don’t see any reason to think my country is better than any other simply because I was born here. And the way W. acted following 9/11 was an embarrassment. We had the goodwill of the world and he squandered it. I know it’s easy to forget given the horror of the last president, but W. was terrible in his own way.
I grew to hate the American flag because it symbolized jingoism, groupthink, and nationalism–none of which I approve. To me, it meant ‘shut up and do as you’re told’, which is against my nature. I am a self-admitted contrarian, which is not a good thing. It’s not completely a bad thing, either, but I’m just noting it is a thing with me. I am always going to see the other side, but not in a devil’s advocate way. Sometimes, conventional wisdom is correct, but often, it should at least be questioned.
My other big bugaboo is the word forgiveness. I instinctively wince when I hear it/read it because it’s become so toxic to me. Honestly, I’ve never been a big fan of it, not even when I was a purported Christian*. I can understand in theory the idea behind it, but I don’t approve of the current use–which is deeply rooted in Christianity.
How I view forgiveness: the person who is being wronged is pushed to pretend it never happened and not every bring it up again. The perp is not punished in any way and is allowed to continue on as they were before. They should not be made to feel one iota of discomfort. Indeed, the victim is the one who must bear all the pain, not just the brunt.
If the perp says they’re sorry, then the vic must accept it. Hell, the perp doesn’t even have to say they’re sorry before people pressure the vic to ‘move on’. Is this unfair? Maybe, but it’s how it’s played out day after day.
Side Note: I gave up on gun control after Sandy Hook. If people couldn’t be assed to do anything after 20 kids were killed in the most brutal way possible, the group that is purported to be held in the highest esteem, then nothing is ever going to change. Prayers and tears are all that are ever going to be offered, even though most Americans, even NRA members, want better gun control bills. The Onion has a brilliant and brutal response to the latest mass shooting: all their news briefs are the bit they run every time there’s a shooting from many different incidents. I remember reading it after the Colorado shooting and thinking it was perfection itself and they do it every time there’s a shooting now. Printing several of them, one after the other, is brilliant.
The reason that fits into this post is because I’m so fucking sick of prayers being offered after each shooting. Plus the ‘don’t politicize this’. That’s the icing on the cake. I don’t want empty prayers, thank you very much. Keep them to your fucking selves.
Back to forgiveness. I’m bitter about the current definition of the word because there isn’t any emphasis on the transgressor at all. It’s all about the victim and how they need to forgive for _____ list of reasons that may or may not be valid. I really hate the temerity to say that it’s for the victim’s benefit to forgive because it feels like gaslighting, especially if that framing is from the perp or anyone who has the perp’s interest at heart.
In many cases, this is family. There is one person who misbehaves and several others who prop him up. And, yes, I’m using him deliberately since it’s oftentimes a man. You see it in cases of child abuse often, especially sexual abuse. The victim is pressured to keep quiet about it and made to feel as if it’s her fault to boot. The perp is allowed to continue abusing other family members or the missing stair strategy is effected: finding ways to work around the fact that Uncle Jimmy abuses little children.
It’s notable that in many cases, forgiveness is not even asked for–it’s just assumed. I see this in a lot of letters to advice columns. The writer is agonizing about whether they should forgive something someone did to them, contorting themselves into pretzels to explain and excuse the other person’s behavior. I really appreciate when the columnist points out when the other person actually never asked for forgiveness or demanded to be forgiven or just presumed to continue the relationship as it was before.
Asking for forgiveness seems to have gotten lost along the way, and, yes, I do blame Christianity for it. They seem to have moved to a heavy emphasis of automatic forgiveness, which is not forgiveness at all. We’ve all known the person who declares they’ve forgiven someone when it’s obviously not true and they are seething with rage and still damaged. But they felt pressured to say they had forgiven the other person, and this is especially true of women.
I posit that true forgiveness cannot even be a possibility if the perp does not acknowledge what they have done. Not only that, they should be able to vocalize what they have done wrong and how it has hurt another person. Then, and this is the important bit, they should actually ask for forgiveness. That step seems to have been lost somewhere along the way. Then, and this is also important, the victim should not feel pressured to HAVE to forgive.
I feel like the rush to get someone to declare their forgiveness does a disservice to the victim. Anger is a valid emotion and being able to feel it, embrace it, and express it is important in the healing process. Stuffing it down and saying that it’s not happening doesn’t do anyone any good, especially not the victim.
And, I don’t think it’s necessary to forgive someone to be able to move on and let go of the anger. Maybe this is just semantics because some people define forgiveness as letting go of the anger and moving on, but to me, there’s an added element of saying, “What you did was OK.” And I think that’s partly because of the push to never mention it again. “You said you forgive them, so why are you still bringing it up?” If it truly just meant letting go of the anger and moving on, I would not have an issue with it. That’s not how I hear it being used, though. Until that’s a more universal definition, I’ll stick to eschewing the word ‘forgive’.
*I was born and raised Evangelical Christian, but I never really believed. I tried hard and almost convinced myself that I was a true believer, but it never really stuck. I had so many questions that no one could answer, and my youth pastor mouthing platitudes about God working in mysterious ways didn’t help. I am the type that needs an explanation or at least a thoughtful discussion. I don’t mind uncertainty as long as I understand the reason behind it.