I’ve decided that this is part two of the posts about my sleep rather than part eight in the series on my broken brain. I really should stop calling my brain that because it really isn’t broken (much), but I find it amusing. Well, I do now. This is the post from yesterday in which I complain a lot about my struggles with sleep.
In the beginning, I called my brain broken because I really felt it was broken. I was not on the same wavelength with anyone, and I felt like an alien. But not an acceptable alien. Because of my dysfunctional home life, I was pretty feral when I entered school. Meaning, I was not properly socialized. I had no idea how to act around my peers or teachers or anything like that. My mom liked to talk about how brave I was wehn I was two (I chased off the bullies bothering my five year-old brother), but by the time I entered elementary school, that was firmly ground out of me.
I also had difficulty with sleep from a very young age. As I mentioned in my last post, I have not gone to bed before midnight my whole life*.
Side note: I think it’s important when you’re thinking of sleep that we rocognize that people have different circadian rhythms. There is nothing wrong with going to bed later and getting up later except it puts you off the rhythm of the world in general. I think the fact that I have never gone to bed early, not even when I was a child, says that it’s innate within me and not something I’ve learned one way or another.
I firmly believe that the mental health issues that arise from going to bed late are because of the hardships faced with trying to constantly fit into the early-birds world. It wouldn’t be so frustrating if the early birds weren’t so morally smug about it. Or if they didn’t look so down on people who went to bed later and got up later. Nobody scoffs at them for going to bed before midnight or points out how unproductive they are because they’re in bed by ten.
Though, come to think of it, if you’re a grown adult, most people expect you to stay up to at least ten. There’s always a narrow strip of territory that is considered normal, and woe be the person who strays from that narrow path. I do think early birds get more of a pass than do night owls, but, again, that’s if they don’t stray too far the other way.
One thing I find really frustrating is how morning birds want to attach ‘lazy’ to those of us who sleep in the morning. They like to crow (and yes, I’m going to stuff in as many bird references as I can) about how productive they were and all that they got done by noon.
Here’s the thing. I am super-productive between four and five in the morning. I do my best work then. Should that not be counted just because it’s the middle of the night for most people? I could say they are lazy for not staying up past midnight. Look at all the good night hours they are missing out on! I would not say that because I realize that most peoeple sleep better at night. I can accept that, even if it’s not true for me.
I do love the night. Three or four is the best time because everyone is asleep, and the night is so quiet. I feel like I’m the only one in the world, and I like it that way. Back when I had my Shadow, it was the two of us against the world. I miss that feeling–and I still miss him every day. I have started looking at adopting another cat(s), but something twists in my heart when I do. I think if the perfect pair came along, I would snap them up, but they would have to be perfect. I’m still in the frame of mind that I immediately compare the cats I see to my Shadow, and that’s not fair to any new would-be cat friend of mine.
Look. If I could go to bed at midnight, don’t you think I would? It would make life so much easier, but it’s just not something I can do. Apparently. I have tried and tried and tried. The one thing I think might actually work, but would take a really long time is to push my schedule forward an hour every week or so, and then lap over to a more normal sleep time. Meaning, if I go to bed at six this morning, then I’ll try to go to bed at seven tomorrow morning. Or in a few days.
Then, I’ll just keep doing that until I’m goin to bed at 3 a.m. I have tried to push it back by an hour or two, but I just cannot make that work for me. It’s really frustrating to try so many things, and none of them have worked. I have tried and tried and tried, but I’ve made little progress.
Here’s something I don’t talk about often. When I put my all into something, really focusing on it, I excel. Most of the times i fail is when it’s something I don’t want to do or something I’m simply not good at. If it’s something that should be doable for me, then I’ll do it well. I’m not bragging, mind. This is just something I know about me.
(If it’s something I’m bad at, then I give up easily. this is a flaw of mine, but it’s one I’ve learned to accept. I don’t need to be good at everything, and I don’t need to keep trying something I”m bad at. Except From games. For whatever reason, I can’t quit them, though I should.)
Even with the way my brain works, I can pussh through the obstacles and accomplish what I set my mind to–except this. I just cannot make myself get on a decent sleep schedule. When I do, I slide off it almost immediately. Even when I was on a decent schedule because of my medical crisis, I gradually slid back to my current schedule. Again, I’m not looking to go to bed by 10 p.m. (that was really weird, by the way. It felt so strange).
More tomorrow.
*Except when I was in the hospital and the weeks after I came home. I’m sure there were a few other times, but in general, I don’t even think about bed until two or three in the morning.