Sleep. My enemyy. I wrote a whole novel–no, forget that novel. We don’t talk about that one. Let’s move on. I have been fighting with Morpheus since I was a kid, and I am giving up hope that I will be able to adjust it any time soon. I spent all of the last post talking about how much I’ve struggled with my sleep–and it doesn’t seem like there’s anything I can do to fix it.
I feel beaten down and defeated–and I know at least some of it is my own damn fault. Nerodivergence or not, I–you know what I’m not going to finish that sentence, either. I’m very hard on myself, and I think even when I can recognize that I am neurodivergent, I don’t fully accept that it has an impact on me. Or I downplay it and feel like I’m a lazy person, anyway.
It’s hard to say because while it is a big deterrent, that doesn’t mean it’s not up to me to do something about it. I think the problem is that I need to do the one thing I really, really don’t want to do–which is set a firm bedtime. The problem with that is setting a firm bedtime doesn’t mean I’ll be able to sleep on time or enough. In fact, when I put an emphasis on my sleeptime or forcing myself to go to bed, I become very aware of time passing. That makes it harder for me to fall asleep, and I just lie on the couch with my eyes wide open. Even when I close them, I can hear the metaphorical clock ticking in my ears.
The problem is that the little tweaks I do don’t work. Moving my bedtime up or back by an hour–nope. Melatonin–nope. Sleeping pills–a hard nope. Warm milk, herbal tea, warm bath? Nope, nope, and nope. Exercise before bed? Nope. Exercise during the day? Nope. Valerian? Fuck no! Reading before bed? Nope. Napping earlier? Also nope.
Side note: I have this thing about not trying the last and desperate option because–and I admit, this is screwy logic–then I’ll have nothing left. When I was deep in my depression and had tried so many meds, my therapist suggested EKG. I demurred because I felt that was the last option. If it didn’t work, I would be totally bereft.
I know it’s faulty logic, but it’s the way my brain works. It’s the same with the end of things. I hate the last in any series because it means the end of that series. I really liked a British series called Prime Suspect, based on the books. It’s about a female cop (detective? I think?) who had to fight sexism as much as she did the baddies. By series I mean there was a movie every year or so–looking it up, it spanned 15 years, had 7 series and 15 episodes. So I was basically right. The last series, series 7 had 2 episodes. I could not bring myself to watch them, and I still haven’t. I just could not bear to see the series end.
Now, I could go back and watch the whole series (if I can find them to stream. I don’t have any of the streaming services that offer the series, apparently. Sigh), but I’m not sure I want to do that. I adored Helen Mirren back then and for decades to come. Fairly recently, though, she’s said some things that make me like her less. Also, I don’t know how well the series will hold up. But it was incredible at the time.