In dreaming up my diversity town, I got to thinking about how I would want the world to be in general. If I were made the monarch of the world, I mean. I would rule with an iron fist in a velvet glove or a velvet fist in an iron glove….Probably the former. I’m talking about pie-in-the-sky, it will never happen ideal.
So. As is my wont, I decided t o write a post and figure it out as I write. This is not specific to the diversity town I’ve been talking about in my previous posts, but more how I would like the world to be in general.
One. No labels. Not in the smarmy “I don’t see color” way, but in the “I don’t want to limit people” way. Labels are fine as long as they serve their purpose–which is providing a handy heuristic for something more complicated and complex. For example, yes, I’m Taiwanese American. That’s an accurate label, but it doesn’t tell the whole story. A label never can.
The problem is that often, people think the label is the end of the discussion and not just the beginning. What I mean is that, yes, I’m Taiwanese American. But that only tells you a sliver about who I am. I would have to explain to you my family dysfunction, my father’s rampant nationalism, the negative experiences I’ve had in Taiwan, and growing up Asian in a very white Minnesota suburb in the eighties in order for you too have a better understanding of that piece of me.
In general, I am not a fan of labels. Again, not in a snotty ‘no labels’ way that some people use it to avoid taking ownership of their political position. Ahem. That’s a pet peeve of mine, but it’s not my focus. I want to say that I mean it that labels should not be constraining, and I often find them to be just that.
Let’s take another example. Bi/bisexual. This was something I chose when I was in my early twenties–when I first realized that I was attracted to more than just men. I explored other terms such as omnisexual and pansexual. I didn’t like them. At all. They sounded (to me) pretentious and pompous. I didn’t like bisexual, though, because it felt limiting. But I decided it was the least-worst of the choices and went with it.
Now, however, I don’t like it at all. I can vaguely be ok with it if I think of it as being attracted to people like me and people not like me, but that feels a bit mealy-mouthed or like I’m talking out of both sides of my mouth. What I would prefer to say is that I’m sexual, but that could definitely be misconstrued. Or that I’m making a pointed comment about asexuality. Which I’m not. In fact, I would like to say I’m asexual in the same way as I say I’m areligious and agender, but it doesn’t have the same meaning, sadly. The reason I want to be able to say it is beacuse of a consistency thing. As I said, though, that’s not what asexual means (I want it to mean tha I don’t care about definining my sexuality) so I can’t use it.
I would be happiest if I could just say, I don’t care about religion; I don’t care about gender; and I don’t want to define my sexuality. I also don’t care about so many things that other people seem to care about, such as pop culture.
In my ideal world, I would not need to label myself if I did not want to. I want to emphasize that I support people’s right to define themselves for themselves; I just wish I had the same option. Honestly, if gender was not so fraught, I would be fine with calling myself a woman or female-adjacent. Or, the one I really like, is female-shaped. I have no isuses with my body. I love my curves, my boobs, and now my ass. And my pussy. And my hair and eyes. The latter two are my best features.
However, I am chary because of how restrictive the word is (woman) and how much people infuse/imbue it with meanings that are not related to me. At best, it’s neutral, and at worst, it’s harmful.
In the past, I have had to defend myself for the following: Not wearing makeup/carring about fashion; not wanting to get married and/or have children; not carring liking to cook or sew; not playing with dolls when I was a kid; running around and laughing loudly; playing sports even though my parents insisted I play them (it was a way for them to be displeased with me no matter which way I went with it. I should be able to play sports, but not well enough to beat a guy); my voice is very low; I stride when I walk and I sit with my legs apart; I like sex. I like to talk about sex. I imagine having sex with people I don’t know–like a hot stranger on the street; I am not monogamous nor do I want to be in a long-term relationship.
That’s just off the top of my head. I’m sure I could rattle off a dozen more things if I really thought about it. It started when I was in my early thirty, and it’s still a thing. Much of it comes from my mother. Which is a whole different thing.
If all the “a real woman would/n’t __________” went away, then I would not have an issue with being called a woman. It’s interesting. People who question agender don’t understand how gender can’t be an integral part of someone’s identity. I can’t speak for other people who identify as agender, but for me, it’s just that my gender does not have an impact on my day-to-day life. My experiences growing up being thought of as a female-shaped person affects me, yes, but not my actual gender.
It’s hard to explain. I don’t want to reduce gender to genitalia because that’s not right or fair. And it feels icky. On the other hand, I don’t understand what people mean when they say they feel their gender. When I think hard about it, I come up empty. I honestly don’t know what it means to feel like a woman.
Side note: The song Man! I Feel Like a Woman! by Shania Twain has become the unofficial theme song of the RKG Discord. Back when the boys did their first season of Retry, they created their first female Finchy–Mama Finchy. In the character creation, they did the ‘dah dah dah dah dah dah dah’ bit from the song when turning Mama Finchy around so we could see her for the first time. Now, with Aunty Finchy, they used the actual song in the teaser trailer for the second season.
Anyway. I love the outfit Shania Twain wears in the video–before she takes the overcoat off. It’s the perfect blend of different genders for me. I would totally wear that! Including the top hat with a veil. I really like the word androgynous and think of myself more in that vein, but I acknowledge that I don’t look androgynous. I definitely look like a woman. And I’m fine with that.
My point is that I feel restricted by labels because people want to assume all sorts of things about you from the labels you use. Which, I get it. Why use labels if not to give people useful heuristics (and, yes, I love this word) that they can use to feel like they know a thing or two about you?
That’s fine, but what so many people don’t get/forget/won’t understand is that labels are limited. And people don’t always agree on the definition of the labels. That’s why I say they are the starting point and not the end.