In yesterday’s post, I was talking about when I had no problem lying and when I had to tell the truth. It gets murky because I am not always sure about what is really the truth. Also, memory is expansive, and we know that it changes every time you think about soomething.
I said yesterday that I had no problem with lying about insignificant things. Yes, the hot weather is wonderful. Isn’t it great that it’s summer and the sun is shining? The answers to that is no and yes. Summer isn’t great, but I do like the sun shining–as long as I am inside and the sun is outside.
What else can I lie about? Movies, food, music, TV, and almost anything else pop culture. Hm. Well, I don’t lie, but let’s say I evade, obfuscate, and skirt the truth. I learned in my mid-twenties that many people really do not want to hear anything negative about things they like. I got dumped for not liking Pulp Fiction and saying why I did not like it (only after being asked by my then-boyfriend). He had been so sure I would like it (this was years after it was released, and it was his favorite movie).I had seen the trailer, and I was pretty sure I would not like it. He insisted I would.
I did not. I hated it from the first shot until the very last. I disliked the hypercuts, the slickness, and the glorification of the ultraviolence. Not to mention the rampant sexism and latent racism, and all the other problmatic issues with it.
I tried to be even-handed and diplomatic when I explained why I did not like the movie. After I was done (it took about fifteen minutes), there was complete silence. He had a look of shock on his face, and my heart sank as the silence dragged on. When he spoke, he simply said, “I can’t be with someone who has that world view” and then dumped me.
I have had other people be really upset when I said I didn’t like a movie, a band, a TV show, or anything else. I did not understand that because nobody liked what I liked. If I got into a TV show, for example, it would for sure be canceled within a year.
Because of this, I have no attatchment to what I like. Or rather, I don’t take offense if someone doesn’t like what I like. I would prefer not to have it sneered at, but if someone doesn’t like it and presents thoughtful reasons why, then I’m fine with that.
It took me an embarrassingly long time to cotton on to the fact that many people are deeply invested in the things they like. Once I realized it, I tried to curb my impulse to say what I really felt. It was really hard because it made me feel like I was going backwards into my childhood again.
Now, I try to strike a balance. For example, a really popular game a few months ago was Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 (Sandfall Interactive). People were raving about it, and in the Discord channel, there was much gushing. I stated my own feelings (not nearly as positive), but I did not shit on anyone else’s joy.
It was hard because people were talking about how genius the story was whereas I thought it started strong, but quickly went down hill. I called it a hot mess in my head, but I did not say that in the Discord.
Is that lying? No, but it’s not telling the complete truth, either. If I were to give my unvarnished truth about the game, I would have many unhappy people after me in the Discord.
Do I feel uncomfortable constantly stifling my true opinions? Yes. Do I want to face the consequences if I let loose? No. This is something that has been pounded into my head since I was a little kid–my own individual opinion matters not. Or at least, very little.
I put a high premium on keeping the peace because I paid a steep price any time I broke ranks when I was a kid. Whether it was at home or at school, it was made very clear that my feelings mattered not.
As a teen, I realized that I was squishy inside. I had a hard time maintaining an opinion in the face of strong opposition. This is a sign of autisim, apparently, which I did not know. It’s really unsettling, especially when I contunue to have the strong opinion, but I can’t speak up to defend it.
It boils down to that I feel very fragile inside. In order to protect my heart and soul, I don’t say anything of importance except to people I really trust. I realized in my twenties that if I could argue with someone to the point of raising my voice, that meant I trusted them. That’s not a good thing, but it was one way for me to see who was in my inner circle and who wasn’t.
It’s hard to explain, but I care more about emotional stability/harmony for me than telling the absolute truth. Or to put it another way, my inner self is precious to me, and I do what I need to do to keep it relatively intact. The world is unkind to us freaks and weirdos. Even people who think they are progressive and accepting balk at too many steps outside their norm.
It’s always interesting to me to see/hear people who think they are weirdos, but aren’t. Or they are a few steps out of the norm, but not nearly as far as I am. I knew by the time I was thirty or so that I would never be a normie, and this was before I had any inkling of any kind of neurodivergency that I might have.
I wish I could find people who were on the same level as me. The problem is, though, that because I am a minority in several different ways, the possibility of finding people who fit even half of the things I am is not great. Asian, agender/genderqueer, bisexual, areligious, into martial arts and video games, and not really into pop culture. Those are disparate traits that don’t really have a common denominator. Oh, and I love cats, am gluten-free/dairy-free, and allergic to everything under the sun.
Plus, and this is something I don’t talk about much, my intelligience and EQ are significantly higher than most people’s, which makes things infinitely harder.
That’s all for today. More tomorrow.