In the last decade or so, there has been an awareness that when you get groups of people together, there will be shitty people who need rules to keep them acting right–or to kick them out if need be. I mean, this has always been true because people are going to people. There are shitty people everywhere, and if you let them act up–they are going to act the fuck up.
Side Note (Yes this early!): I have gotten into several debates over tolerance versus acceptance. I am for tolerance because that’s much easier to achieve than acceptance and because quite frankly, I don’t have a high opinion of people. It takes a lot to change people’s hearts; it’s much easier to change their behavior.
In general, I still hold to tolerance over acceptance. I mean, you don’t have to like me, but you have to treat me like a human being. However, when it comes to safe spaces, that’s a whole different kettle of fish.
When I was in my twenties, I had just discovered that I was attracted to women as well as men. Now, I would amend that to I’m attracted to people of all, any, or no gender. Anyway. I got involved in queer theater and in Asian theater (sadly, separate) and in the former, there was a woman-only performance festival that I participated in. It was clearly stated that it was for women only. People who identified as women, I mean. Which I did at the time. Trans women were included under that umbrella. This was before nonbinary became a known gender, but I would like to think they would have been included. Agender like me? I don’t know beacuse we never get mentioned/thoughht of.
Anyway, it was really cool to perform in front of women only, and I stripped down to my panties by the end of my performance. There’s no way I would have done that in front of men at that age. Hell, I probably wouldn’t do it now in front of men, but for different reasons.
That was a safe space before it was really a thing, and I was very glad to have that opportunity. I felt secure and safe in performing a risque performance under those circumstances. Hell, I probably could have and should have taken off my panties as well (I was using pieces of clothing as different parts of my identity) without feeling threatened.
My issue with safe spaces is that it’s often just a sign and a list of printed rules, and that’s the extent of keeping the space safe. That’s not nearly enough. You have to actually enforce the rules on a consistent basis or they don’t mean shit. This is not rocket science, but it’s hard to do on a regular basis–especially in online forums.
What I have found is that when you leave it to the people in the forum/channel/convention to enforce the rules, it’s not going to happen. Why? Because one, they don’t have the authority. More importantly, though, you can’t really police an equal if you don’t have anyone backing you up.
Side Note II: This is something minorities have known forever. It’s tiring to have to be the one to constantly bring up micro (and not-so-micro) aggressions. You get looked at like you’re the one causing the problem. Backing it up, you have to first decide if you even want to bother. Nine out of ten times, I won’t. Then the tenth time when I reluctantly decide, yes, it’s important enough for me to bring it up, I have to be careful to craft what I’m going to say in a way that won’t immediately piss off/offend/upset the other person.
I mean, I don’t have to do that, but I personally do have to beacuse of my upbringing. And beacuse I don’t want to be a jerk. Wait. let me rephrase that. I don’t want to accidentally be a jerk. If I’m going to be a jerk, I want it to be deliberate.
It’s exhausting. And oftentimes, it’s not worth it. Not just because of the emotional toll it takes, but because the chance of actually changing someone’s mind is very slim.
In addition, of course not everyone agrees that something is whwatever-ist, and there are always people in that minority who want to prove that they’re not sensitive like others in that group. This is often not a conscious thought, but it’s what happens from being in any society for any length of time. No one wants to be thought of as lesser, so one way to get out of that is by identifying with the majority.
This is why there’s a thing as the ‘cool girl’. It’s a woman who is eager to prove that she can hang with the guys and put down girly-girls as much as the guys do. I was like that when I was in college myself. It’s messy, though, because I truly preferred male activities to female ones, and I was rebuffed by women for many reasons. Rebuffed as friends, I mean, not as a dating prospect. It’s hard to draw that line, really. The key, though, was that I was eager to join in on dissing the girly-girls instead of being like, “Hey, why are you being such jerks to women you want to date?” That’s the kicker, by the way. As much as my male friends made fun of those girly-girls, they weren’t trying to date me. Most of them, anyway.
It was such a complicated soup of emotions that I wasn’t completely able to navigate at twenty. To be fair, I’m still not able to di it thirty-five years later. Patriarchy is a hell of a drug. I’m also feeling more defeated now than I was thirty-five years ago, which is saying a hell of a lot.
This, by the way, is why I leave groups like clockwork. There just reaches a point where the little irritations add up to one ball of contempt–on my part, I mean. Or if not contempt, at least a surge of impatience that doesn’t dissipate.
I don’t know where the tipping point, but I know once I reach it, there’s no turning back. And, yes, some people would say to bring up the irritations earlier because people can’t change their behavior if they don’t know it’s bothering you. That’s true. It’s also true that people are reeeeeeeeeally touchy about being told they are wrong in any way, even if it’s brought up ever-so-gently. I know because I’ve tried it with varying ideas of success. With people who aren’t my closest friends, I mean.
More tomorrow.