Yesterday, I was talking about a post on Ask A Manager that talked about how to deal with a man at a convention who was annoying/harrassing several attendants of the con. I meandered hither and yon and never addressed the first person who said it was ableist to ban someone because of their disability.
It’s interesting to me how much energy is given in defending autistic white cis boys/men and how little into doing the same for non-male people with autism. Mainly girls, but also nonbinary/genderqueer/agender people. I think the third category is completely ignored as is almost always the case. But with autistic girls, they are not afforded the same benefit of the doubt.
First of all, many are not even diagnosed. If they act out in the stereotypical male autistic way (stimming, shouting, melting down, etc.), they are more likely to be reprimanded or punished for it. I’m grossly simplifying matters, of course, but I’m not wrong, either. It’s that way with many things that are considered typical male behavior (including ADHD).
That gender issue is the reason I never even consider that I had autism, but I’ve talked about that elsewhere. Back to the post.
The commenters were pretty good at dissecting the one comment about Alex potentially being banned for his disability (versus being banned for his behavior). If anything, he was given more leeway because he was neuroatypical as the past committees tried to find ways to accommodate that.
Side note: I think one of the best suggestions was to have a code of conduct that could work for everyone. Someone else added that there should be a specific notice about sexual harassment. Several people suggested the code of conduct, which I appreciated. But those who were saying that there should be specific rules for Alex were off-base, I think. If it’s a very small fandom then perhaps you can have rules per person, but it quickly gets ungainly.
The sceond defense of Alex was that it’s not up to neurotypicals to decide if a neuroatypical perosn’s behavior is weird or not. I agree when it comes to behavior that does not directly affect the neurotypical person such as stimming, not looking someone in the eye, etc. However, when it comes to interactions, yes, the person being interacted upon gets to decide how much they want–especially in personal interaction (as opposed to work).
Side note: It’s the same when people say that you should date all races. That it’s racist not to. Well, the latter is true, but as a person of color, I do not want someone to date me out of guilt or obligation. I have had a few white women espouse this belief, and, uh, no thanks. I don’t need your pity date, thank you very much. I don’t want to date someone who is not eagerly wanting to date me!
I have a similar thing when it comes to supporting abuse victims. I support them until they activelry start harming other people. When that happens, then I draw the line and say it’s not acceptable. I guess I’m like a physician in that I believe first of all, do no harm.
When it comes to a situation like Alex, he is bothering many other people–all women and girls. The person who said that it’s not up to NT people to decide what is and isn’t comfortable, they were assuming that the other people were NT. Which, as the letter writer (LW) stated, simply wasn’t true. An autistic person said that they liked meeting other autistic people because they could relax around them, and I can see their point. For me, though, it’s a mixed bag. And it’s definitely gendered.
I don’t like guys droning at me for hours on end. And it’s almost exclusively men who do this. And, yes, they can’t read the cues that I’m bored out of my mind for a few reasons. One, I have schooled my face not to give myself away. Two, I am highly skilled in keeping a conversation going. Three, I have a hard time not keeping a conversation going. It’s so hard for me not to automatically ask the question that will move it along. Four, I can feign interest for hours. Put it all together, and it’s me listening to drivel for far too long.
Also, I will say that we do have to live in an NT world. Yes, it would be nice for the world to be kinder to people who are not NT, but it’s not unreasonable for NT people to not want to feel uncomfortable in interpersonal interactions. That was my point several paragraphs up. People have the right not to be yapped at for twenty minutes on end. Mothers have the right not to have strange men talking to their daughters. In this case, they do get to say what is and isn’t comfortable for them and their daughters.
The third point of opposition was that sometimes, the behavior is the disability. In this case, it’s not true because Alex has a high-level job, which means he can rein it in when he needs to. Some of the commenters suggested telling him that he should think of it more like a job situation than a personal one (if he divides things in those categories).
I think the impulse to include everyone is a noble one, but there has to be a time when you go for the greater good. Yes, it might mean that Alex is excluded, but that would be because of his own behavior. I do think that one time of plainly explaining to him what he would need to do in order to be allowed to attend would be a good step if it’s never been done before, but in the end, it really is up to him to respect other people’s time and space.
To the comment that sometimes, the behavior is the disability, then I would say that the person needs an aide or cannot attend if this is true. Which would suck for Alex, but would make things better for all the women/girls he wouldn’t leave alone.
One final note about the tidbit that Alex would not stop texting and calling a woman in the online social forum for the fanbase even after she asked him not to, then mailed gifts to her house as an apology. Then he was banned from that group. People were saying, well, they probably weren’t specific enough for him. Which may be true, but there has to be a point where even someone with autism has to be held to a reasonable standard. The woman aasked him not to text and call her, and he still did. That seems pretty direct to me. People in the comments were trynig to rules lawyer it, and other commenters mentioned it’s exhausting to have to deal with this kind of person.
The onus shouldn’t be on the recipient to have to keep adding all the different ways they don’t want to be contacted. Especially if she had just said ‘leave me alone’ from the start, many people would have considered her the rude one. Women can never win in these situatinos, and that has got to stop.