I want to be free. I feel hemmed in by my own restrictions (when it comes to writing). I have been stuck in a rut, and while I’ve written good shit, I think completely changing it up is the way to go.
I have never written a romance before. I’ve had romance/sex in things I’ve written, but not something that is focused on romance. It’s not an area in which I am well-experienced, and I was really bad at it to boot.
To be celar, I weas good at sex. Very good at sex. I thoroughly enjoyed it and was willing to try almost anything. I found out that I enjoyed the vast majority of what I did.
Side note: It’s been interesting watching my brother date in the past year. He’ll ask me what I think are basic questions about sex, but I have to remind myself that he’s been married for nearly thirty years. I’m used to being the teacher when it comes to sex, and I’m fine with it. I have the knowledge, and I enjoy sharing it. I want people to be knowledgeable about sex, and if I know something, why not tel lthem?
It helps that I’m very pragmatic about it as well. I don’t consider anything off-limits or too blue for school. It’s funny because in the RKG Discord, there are two guys who are tagged as the lewd dudes. But a woman and I can out-filth them easily and in a no time flat. It’s just that dudes are expeced to be rude, while non-dudes aren’t. That’s how the woman and I fly under the radar.
I am utter filth. I know it, and I embraced it when I was in college. I was the one my friends would ask about sex, and that suited me fine. It was the same when I lived in a house in the East Bay with a 19-year old guy who was very childlike in manay ways. He was raised by fundie Christians and had a ton of questions. Such as, was the clitoris as big as it was in the South Park movie. For reference, the clitoris in that movie was the size of a big dome building.
I looked at the kid (he was a kid in my mind. I was thirty) and said, “Does there seem like there could be anything that big on a woman?” I explained the clitoris to him in very matter-of-fact terms. I also showed him how to put a condom on a banana.
I hate that sex is so repressed in our society. I consider it my mission to make it as acceptable and natural as possible. I don’t mean we have to talk about it all the time, but I don’t think it needs to be spoken about in hushes and whispers behind scandalized hands.
I’ve always been the one to be open about it. Also, menstruation, too. Once, I was walking across campus (in college) with a friend and said something about being cranky because I had my period. I said it in a normal tone so I wasn’t shouting it across campus or anything. My friend was scandalized and quickly hushed me. She said that I shouldn’t talk about such things in public. I said in the same tone, “Half the population has, will, or is menstruating as we speak. It’s not something that needs to be hidden.”
I also had a boyfriend who refused to buy condoms. I had no problem buying them myself, but I also thought that if he wanted to use them, he should be able to buy them. I just have never had the embarassment gene for whatever reason.
I will admit that I went through my twenties being too vocal about sex. It was over-correcting and I was, quite frankly, obnoxious about it. It was the results of being raised in an extremely repressive religion (I was told I would go to hell if I had sex before marriage), and once I was out, I went a bit wild.
I course-correceted and by my forties, I was open about it, but not in-your-face about it (unless you wanted me in your face about it!).
So, yeah. I’m really good with sex, if I do say so myself. Romance, though, not so good. I tend to become obsessed with the person I’m with because that’s what I was taught to do. My mother has pushed this on me all my life, and it’s really hard for me not to sink into it when I’m with someone.
I will caveat that I have not been in a relationship in over a decade. I was thinking about dating again in the first few months of 2020. Obviously, that didn’t happen because the pandemic hit. Then, I thought about it again after I got double-vaxxed. Obviously, that didn’t happen because I died tiwce and was in a coma for a week.
I’m watching my brother put himself out there fearlessly and relentlessly, and I am filled with awe. I wish I could be more like him, but I’m just not. When he was on the apps (he’s dating one woman now), he was on it daily. He hit the apps hard, and he had a decent response. He was going on a few dates a week, which was amazing to me.
There is no way I could do what he’s doing. I got tired just hearing about it. Granted, that was in part beacuse he was obsessed with it and wanted to talk about nothing other than dating. And sex. Which I was fine with for a year because that’s how long I give people to be obsessed about something. Not to say that he can’t talk about it any longer, but I would have insisted that he broaden his topics if he hadn’t stopped using the apps.
I don’t really want to date if I were to be honest. I just want sex. With one or more fuck buddies. Get back to what I’m good at. How the hell did I get here from my premise about writing about romance? Oh, right. It’s going to be difficult because I’m bad at romance. I’ll write more about it tomorrow.