In my last post, I intended to talk about the little things around the big things in my life, but ended up talking about writing–which is a big thing. It’s not one of my identity issues, though, except that I’m struggling with writing fiction now in a way I never have. Before my medical crisis, I had stories in my brain all the time. I had one writer’s block that I could remember, and it was for a month. That was very tense for me, but it went after that month or so with no problem. Now, however, while I still have ideas and fragments in my brain, I don’t have the stories I used to have.
I have been mulling over an idea for a trilogy for the last year. I’ve been refining it as I go, but I can’t make it gel in a coherent whole. Acutally, I have a few different ideas (for different trilogies), and I’m trying to find a way to bring it all together. I don’t want to talk too much about it before I start writing because I find that the more I talk about my writing, the less I actually write/the worse I actually write. That’s not unique to me, by the way. A lot of writers find that if the talk too much about their writing as they’re writing, it takes the verve out of said writing.
Here’s the thing. The big things such as sexual orientation, race, gender, etc., are important, yes, but so are the spaces in between. Or the things that don’t quite fit into any one character. And they’re all connected–at least in my mind. Which I’ve discoverered might be because I’m neurodivergent.
Side note: It’s refreshing to know that I can still learn things about myself at my old age. Refreshing, but also daunting. Daunting because there is so much about myself that I would like to fix. Refreshing because apparently, you can teach an old dog new tricks!
This is one of the reasons my writing has stalled. I think that since my medical crisis, my brain has become even more wedded to the idea that everything is related. If I want to write about one thing, say, my medical crisis, then I have to start with my family dysfunction. I have to add in my Taiji practice, not to mention just my life in general.
When I start thinking of all the things I need/want to add to the story, my brain mentally gives up.
Side note: After Elden Ring came out, Ian urged mo te pitch to his editor a story about FromSoft games and my medical crisis. See, before my medical crisis, I was so hyped for Elden Ring. It was announced….before the pandemic? Or at least rumored, and then it didn’t come out. And didn’t come out.
Here’s something you need to know about FromSoft. They do not talk about their games until they are ready to present the games. They are so tight-lipped, and they don’t do interviews until just before they’re ready to drop a title. Sekiro was released in March, 2019, and there were rumors of Elden Ring…I want to say at the end of that year. Certainly at the beginning of the next? Maybe? Pandemic time is so confusing.
It reached the point where there was a Reddit in which users created their own areas, enemies, and bosses in a fictitious Elden Ring. It was oddly sweet, and it really kept my spirits up as I waited for the game to come out.
At GeoffCon in 2021 (June), we all waited through nearly two hours of stuff, impatiently anticipating the official announcement of Elden Ring. It had been leaked ahead of time, and Geoff himself had tweeted ocyly about it. I have included Kinda Funny Games reaction to it above. It was at the very end of the night, and I had almost given up hope.
It was an incredible moment; it sent chills up and down my spine. Immediately, I started planning how I was going to play the game. I was going to have one character for the canon playthrough, and then another for co-op. I had all these grand plans, and I was so hyped to play another Miyazaki game.
Then, my medical crisis hit on September 3rd, 2021. I died (twice!) and when I came back, my attitude about Elden Ring had completely changed. I no longer cared about any of my planning. i had one goal and one goal only. I was going to play the game and enjoy a new world as created by Miyazaki. That was it.
I had to upgrad e my desktop to play it because I hadn’t done that in ten years (I have a laptop, too). Normally, I would have gotetn the bare minimum when I upgraded, conscious about how much money I was spending. This time, though, I decided to splash out a bit more so I wouldn’t have to constantly be upgrading or worried about how I hadn’t bought enough power. Was I putting a lot on this one experience? Yes, I was. I had a feeling that this game was going to be special, and more to the point, that it may be the last FromSoft game I would play.
See, while I love the games, they don’t love me back. I had a really hard time with Sekiro, and–you know what? Not the point ofd this post. My love for FromSoft games is, though. It’s a big part of my personality, and I’m going to grieve when I have to give it up. I already could not play Armored Core VI (believe me, I tried), and I fear it’s only going to get worse from here on out.
I’ve been pretty equanimous about the things I’ve lost from my medical crisis, but if I have to give up From games because of my waining dexterity and reflexes, that is going to make me cry. If they stick to Dark Souls/Elden Ring-like games, I can probably limp along for a few more years. If they go more Sekiro/Bloodborne, then it’s going to be a big problem.
Side note: I am so tired of the new meta in soulslikes is the deflect a la Sekiro. Every new soulslike seems to bust out the deflect and hardcore fans cream in their jeans. Lies of P (Round8 Studio/NEOWIZ) is the perfect example. Most people raved about it whereas I gave it a 6. There are a lot of good things about it, but me beating every fucking boss by chucking consumables at them in their second phase (and they all had second phases, which is another trend I dislike tremendously) does not for a good game maketh.
That’s all for now. More tomorrow.