One of the weird things about my brain is that I never can just let things be. By things, I mean ideas. Part of it is because I’m heavily influenced by others (though I try not to be), but most of it is because my brain is constantly churning. In addition, I know that I don’t know everything, so there is always more for me to learn.
In this case, my learning is about–well, let’s get there the long way, per usual. My brain connects thins that most people wouldn’t think are connected. Or rather, everything is connected in my brain. It used to frustrate me when teachers wanted to talk about one thing, but not another. Such as feminism (in a feminism class), but not racism because ‘we don’t have time for that’. Which, on the one hand, I get. On the other hand, though, fuck that shit.
I realized in my early twenties that I contained multitudes. We all do, but I am talking about me specifically right now. I was Asian, bisexual, a woman (then), agnostic (then), and just Weird with a capital W. Now, I’m still Asian, bisexual but not liking that label, agender, areligious, and still fucking weird. I’m also aromantic and ethically nonmonogamous. I don’t want a long-term relationship, and I’m more interested in sex than dating at the moment.
I see all these things as connected. I was feeling interconnectivity before it was a thing. In yesterday’s post, I outlined a series I wanted to do called, In My Ideal World, in which I would take a topic and explain what I would would like to see related to that issue. I am verbose, which means I’d spend several posts on each topic. The thing that bogs me down, though, is that I don’t know how to talke about one without bringing up another.
Let me group it like this. Gender identity is linked to sexual identity loosley. Sexual identity is linked to monogamy/nonmonogamy and being aromantic. Gender is related to race. Religion is related to nothing in particular, but it’s something I could write ten-thousand words on. I have some deep wounds because of religion, and it’s taken me a long time to heal from it. I’m not completely there, but I am so much better now than I was when I first left Christianity (early twenties).
I want to find a hook that will bring them all together, but I’m not quite there. I don’t have a problem writing several disparate posts, but I would like to find a throughline.
Here’s the thing. I would like to write a book. I’ve written several, but have not gotten past writing them. There are three diffierent books I want to write. One is a murder mystery. That is what I used to write, but I have not successfully written one since my medical crisis. I have tried and started several, but they all have just petered out.
Another is my memoir of my medical crisis. Not just the what happened to me in those two weeks, but how it has affected me since. Also, what led up to it and what I’ve learned from it. How it’s the best thing that has happened to me, but I need to learn those lessons and not let them go to waste. I know it’s startling to hear that I consider it the best thing that has happened to me, but it is.
Side note: I would like to write a self-help book based on the experience, but there is only so much I can say about it. It’s high risk and high reward. I could not in good conscience tell people to try it. I am literally the only person I know (after hours of Googling) who has survived what I have.
If I did write a memoir, it would be about more than just the medical crisis. Yes, that was a defining moment in my life, but I had to actually live past it. My mother wanted me to write a movie about it (and, tellingly, got angry when I gave several reasons why that wouldn’t work. She said it would be inspiring to others, and she made it clear that it was the most important thing for me to do. Inspire others, I mean). It’s not surprising. She has used me as an emotional support person for all my life. Her whole being is predicated on the belief that her only worth is based on what she can give to others–especially my father.
A memoir would be mostly about family dysfunction, if I were to be honest. It’s something that I’m still grappling with, albeit in a different way. Or rather, half in the same way and half in a different way. Dementia sucks tremendously, and it’s so inutterably cruel. No one deserves to die like that, and it alone makes me question a benevolent diety. That could go in the religion post, which is connected to family.
See, this is my issue. Oh, and I want to write a book of posts. An anthology of sorts. That’s where I would put the post about religion. I would also like to do videos on the topics, but that’s a whole different venue. I have not done a video, and maybe an old dog cannot learn new tricks. I am not comfortable being on camera, but I know that the word is dead.
This is the problem. I’m too old for the new-fangled video content thing, but there is so little room for someone like me.
This is my problem, actually. I have friends and family who see me and care about me. But I don’t have a broader community because I just don’t fit anywhere. I tried to find a therapist on the BetterHelp website. I put in everything that was important to me, and came up with exactly zero matches. Zero. None. Zilch.
I wanted an Asian non-male queer agender person who wasn’t religious. Yes, I know that’s literally looking for a sparkly unicorn. In other words, it doesn not exist. I tried again, looking only for an Asian woman who specialized in family issues. I got that, but they wanted me to pay before they would tell me who the match was. I was not pleased with that. I would rather they give me a bio of the therapist and let me decide if I actually want to use them or not. I may go back and do it because I do need a therapist, but it didn’t sit right with me. I have to pay now and ask questions later? Nah, son. Not into that. I mean, I did answer a bunch of questions, but still. I do appreciate that I can do it all online rather than go in person, though. That’s a huge plus in my book.
More tomorrow. I’m done for now.