I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I have tried them in the past, but I find it too much pressure. It’s because the tendency is to go big and to go hard for a week or so and then fall off. It’s why gyms sell so many memberships in the first few weeks of the year (and probably why they make them yearly. Or at least did. I’m hoping that’s an outdated mode of operation).
In addition, it’s artifical to set it up to do things differently in a new year. I get it. It makes sense to have a fresh start in a fresh year. And there is something about mentally tearing off that December page that signifies the end of an era. Especially since for me, last year was the first whole bonus year that I had.
The beginning of 2022 was me coming to terms with still being alive. Then, Elden Ring was released at the end of February and that was the next six months sorted. Time flew and before I knew it, it was the end of the year.
2023. It seems so weird to write that. I do have a few goals that I would like to reach in the new year. It may just be a matter of semantics, but I have decided that goals are better than resolutions. The latter are too declarative and like a fait accompli. It feels much more like pressure, which I don’t need. The latter are more like suggestions or rather, something to aim for. Plus, it can be year-long rather than just doing it in discrete moments. Discrete, not discreet, by the way. That was one of my pet peeves when I was using Craigslist personals, by the way (yes, I’m that old). People saying they wanted ‘discrete’ lovers, not ‘discreet’ lovers. Not that I was going to help someone cheat on their partner, but if I were, I certainly was not going to do it for someone who could not discenrn discrete from discreet.
So. What are my goals for 2023? I have three. Well, more than that, but three serious ones. The not-so-serious ones are to get laid and get paid. Well, the former, anyway. I have not had sex in quite some time, and I started thinking about dating before I ended up in the hopsital. Seriously, it was a few months before my medical crisis that I was girding my loins to return to the apps. Obviously, that was put on the backburner after I left the hospital. I had other things I needed to concentrate on.
Now, however, it’s been over a year and I’ve gotten a clean bill of health. I’ve had it for a year. I’ve been back to my old self (or some facsimile of) for nearly a year as well. I have no desire to be with someone because that brings out the worst in me, but I am ready to have sex.
Howveer, the question of what I tell to whom still permeates my thoughts. I don’t think I owe it to explain my life to anyone, but at the same time, it’s the most important thing that has happened to me. Period. There is no qualification to that statement. Well, actually, there is. It’s changed my view of myself and life in the same way a few other realizations/events did.
The first is when I was 22 and the thought came to me that I did not have to have children. It came out of the blue while I was seriously dating someone and the relief that I didn’t have to have children. I can’t overstate what a great revelation that was. I had spent the first 20+ years of my life just assuming I’d have children because that’s what you did when you’re a woman. Especially a Taiwanese woman.
The second thing was learning Taiji. I’ve been studying it for sixteen years, and it’s done so much to boost my self-confidence. Not only that, it’s helped me with my relationships and to interact with people in general. I started Taiji beacuse I wanted to be able to defend myself if I was ever attacked, but the pluses have been more subtle and more sustained. I have never had to use it to defend myself against an attack. What it has done, though, was helped me realize that I do actuallly matter and I don’t exist just to validate other people.
It did help me when I had a minor car accident five or so years ago. When I saw the other car was going to hit me, I thought, “I’m going to get hit” and instantly relaxed. That was my Taiji training. I didn’t think about it; my body just reacted. The air bag deployed and i ended up with a huge bruise on my stomach–either from the air bag or the seat belt. But other than that, I was fine.
That was just the palate cleanser for the medical crisis that landed me in the hospital at the end of 2021. That’s not even mentioning how much I’ve blossomed from picking up Taiji weapons. They have become so important in my life; I can’t imagine being without them. When I came home from the hospital, the biggest fear was, well, that I would not be able to see well enough to write/type, but after that, it was that I would not be able to do my Taiji weapons any longer. When I was able to do a few movements on the second day I was home from the hospital, I was so relieved.
Before this, realizing that I did not want to get married and that I did not have to was also a big relief. I know that I often talk more about what I don’t want than what I do, but it’s the way I figure shit out. I oftentimes have to say, “No, that’s not what I want” before I can get to what I do want. I think it’s partly because there have been so many things that are proscribed to women in this country (and to women of my cultural background. Oftentimes, it’s the same, but sometimes, it’s not). College degree, a career, but that takes a backseat to getting married and having children. Those were the two big things that were pounded into me on the daily. More the children thing than the marriage thing, but the latter was assumed so the former would happen.
I cannot tell you the rupture it caused between my mother and me when I said that I was not having children. If i could go back and do it again, I would have lied to her or at least prevaricated. I would have put her off for as long as possible because it was not worth it to be truthful to her.
That’s the bottom line with my mother–there’s no point in being honest. I know that sounds shitty, but what’s the point of telling the truth when the otther person can’t hear it? My mother spent fifteen years trying to force me to have children. If you don’t like the word force, I can substitute guilt or manipulate. All were true. I thank my lucky stars that I was strong enough to say no when normally I’m a pushover. But in the case of children, I knew on a deep, cellular level that it would be the worst thing in the wworld for me. You know how sometimes, you just know something to be true? That was this. I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I had children, so for once in my life, I stood firm.
And with that, I’m running long yet again. Hopefully, I can get this series of posts done by the new year!