For most of my life, I have been resigned to being ignored. I live in the in-between because I am not one of the two dominant groups in any category. I am Asian–not black or white. I am bi–not gay or straight. More recently, I am areligious–not a believer or an atheist. And, sigh, finally, I am agender, not man nor woman. Oh, and also not cis or trans. By the way, I have never related to cis–even when I reluctantly accepted the label ‘woman’.
I am resigned to the fact that I don’t fit anywhere. I will also say that while I’m a creative person, I don’t live that lifestyle. I don’t drink or do drugs, and Idon’t want to be around people who do. There are times, though, that I just snap (internally) at a situation in which I normally would try to be compassionate. Why? Because I feel as if I’m always asked to be the one with empathy and I don’t get the same courtesy in response. Nobody gives a shit about Asian people, for example. It never comes up when racism is talked about. It’s currently Asian-Pacific Islander month, and no one gives a shit about that.
As a result, I have a slight chip on my shoulder when I hear calls for empathy. Where is my empathy, I ask? I have eaten a lot of shit on identity issues because I don’t want to make waves/others have it worse/I don’t care THAT much. But, the cumulative effect is wearying.
I try to be respectful of other people, and it bothers me when I don’t get that respect in return. Like when gender/pronoun issues are brought up. The current way of thinking is to offer pronouns and encourage others to do the same. Which I’m fine with. It crosses the line for me when it’s required. Some people are questioning and others of us don’t want pronouns. I don’t like any of them. My Taiji teacher asked if I wanted to use a neopronoun. Nope. Don’t like those, either. I don’t want any, which makes things much more difficult. I acknowledge that. The way we speak English is predicated on pronouns. I accept that and am resigned to the fact that people will use some really awkward sentences for me if they need to avoid pronouns. Someone on the Ask A Manager website explained that those of us who identified as agender and did not want to use pronouns knew that people were going to make awkward statements. That was a tradeoff we were willing to take. Which I agree is true.
But, here’s the thing for me. I try to be empathetic most of the time. I think about others and how they might be feeling. I don’t feel I get the same respect in return, so I’m not happy about being asked to do even more. I recognize that’s a me-thing, but at some point, there has to be reciprocity. If someone is asking me to be thoughtful of their identity, then they need to be respcetful of mine as well.
I’m tired of feeling it’s a one-way street. That I have to be endlessly understanding whereas I don’t deserve it in response. I know that’s partly my upbringing and partly my training as an emotional support person, but I do have a breaking point.
I have said for quite some time that you can be both a minority and an asshole. They are not mutually exclusive. And while I respect people’s identities, that does not mean that they are good people. I think there needs to be a line drawn somewhere. I’m not sure where or how, but we have to have a discussion about respecting people’s identities but acknowledging that they can still be assholes.
For example. Caitlin Jenner. I respect that she is a woman. However, she is a shitty woman who wants to deny other women their rights. That’s shitty.