Tag: lessons | A Banana Peeled

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The lessons I’ve learned

Posted on July 28, 2022 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

In the RKG Discord someone asked what people did to get past their lowest time. I wrote out this whole answer that included my life-threatening medical trauma–then I deleted it because it’s not really helpful. “Go almost die and then you’re life will be changed.” Not only isn’t it replicable, it’s not even true for everyone.

I discovered this was really true because someone mentioned my post (must have read it before I deleted it) and said it hadn’t been that way for them. I owned up to it being my post and rewrote what I wrote. I had also mentioned Taiji, therapy, and friends, so it wasn’t just ‘die and come back to life’, but that’s really the crux of my new lease on life.

I also didn’t say that I had literally died twice and came back because I’m not comfortable delving into that too deeply yet. Not because it’s a bad thing or even because it’s too personal, but that it’s just difficult to say in a pithy way that doesn’t completely derail the conversation. But, on the other hand, life-threatening doesn’t really capture the scope of it. I literally died. Twice. I still grapple with that. If a series of events hadn’t fallen exactly in place, I would not be here. I am conscious of that every day. Some days, it’s in the background and it’s not something I am focused on. Other days, I’m in tears as to how beautiful life is (which is where I am right now).

The world is shitty and the situation in America sucks. I am deeply afraid of where this country is going, but I have never felt better about myself in my life. I’m 51, should not be alive, and I’m loving myself–warts and all.

I was thinking about a song that encapsulated what I felt, but I couldn’t think of the name. It went “Have you ever…” and then something, something, something. I thought the group was called Bossa Nova or something similar. There was a part that went, “That’s the _____ I get.” I couldn’t put the pieces together until it suddenly hit me. “That’s the impression that I get.” Which is by The Mighty Mighty Bosstones. I found the video on YouTube and have been playing it on repeat.

More lessons I’ve learned

Posted on April 27, 2022 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

There are many lessons I’ve learned from my medical trauma. I mentioned some of them in my previous post and I want to expand on the topic in this one. When I started that post, my intent was to talk about my family dysfunction, but I got caught up in other things.

I would never wish what happened to me on anyone. It was terrifying, confusing, and messed with me on many levels. However, ultimately, I believe it was a net positive for me. Why? Let me count the ways. One, it cleared up the is there an afterlife question for me (no). Two, it made all my body issues disappear. Three, it helped me see that life is short and that we really do only have one life. Er, maybe not so much that as I did die twice. Four, I’m cute AF! Five, I don’t have the patience for nitpicky bullshit. Six, I have a point of view that is unique and worth expressing. There are some other ones, but they’re similar to the ones I’ve stated.

I used to have low self-esteem. I thought I had to earn the right to live. I was disgusting, toxic, and bad for the planet. Yes, that’s what I earnestly believed for decades. I thought that it would be better if I was dead, but I didn’t have the courage to kill myself. I’m not saying this was sane or logical, but it was the way my brain worked at the time. Therapy couldn’t shake the belief that I had to earn the right to live.

Taiji helped me start inching my way to a healthier outlook. I could go into a crowd without flinching, even if I still didn’t like it. I was more at ease with my body, even if I still avoided looking in the mirror. I didn’t like the way I looked, but I didn’t hate it, either. I had reached a detente with my body (and my face), which was the most I could hope.