Tag: Netflix and chill | A Banana Peeled

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Dating and sex in my fifties

Posted on March 26, 2022 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

I’ve been writing about dating a lot lately because it’s on my mind. Before the pandemic hit (two years ago!), I had decided that I wanted to start dating again. Or at least tapping that ass on the regular. What can I say? I have terrible timing. When the pandemic hit, I obviously set aside thoughts of dating. The idea of mashing bits with someone I didn’t know was unthinkable.

Fast-forward a year-and-a-half. Vaxes were a thing, and I got both of my jabs as soon as I could. The first one was on my birthday, which made me inordinately happy. Once I got my second jab, I was jubilant that there was a ray of sunshine in a previously grim outlook. I started to cautiously open my world, just the slightest bit, when disaster hit. I had my medical crisis and ended up unconscious in the hospital.

Once I got out, I wasn’t thinking about dating, understandably. I was just grateful to be alive. I concentrated on getting my strength back so I could resume my life. Now, nearly seven months later, I’m there. I have a few lingering issues from my medical trauma–slight problems with my short-term memory, for example. In general, however, I’m back to where I was, if not better.

What has changed is my outlook on many things. I have had body issues my entire life–ever since my mom put me on a diet when I was seven. She said I would be so pretty if I lost weight, and that started a decades-long antipathy towards my body. The summer before I went to college, I decided to lose weight because I had come to believe that I was just too disgusting for words. I exercised seven hours a day and restricted my eating severely. I lost forty pounds in two months and developed anorexia at the same time. Because I couldn’t keep up my exercise schedule in college, I added bulimia to the mix.

My mom was no help. When my junior counselors notified her about my eating disorders, she did not handle it well at all. She clearly didn’t see it as a problem and privately, she only expressed jealousy that my waist was smaller than hers. (I’m taller than she is by 4 inches.) What I’m trying to say is that she has her own body issues.

I gained a bunch of weight after that. I swung the other way and started overeating. You can bet my mother had something to say about THAT. It got so bad, I had to tell her that any mention of my weight was verboten. She tried to say that she was only worried about my health, which was bullshit. As I said, the only comment she had when I was suffering from anorexia/bulimia was that my waist was smaller than hers in a very unhappy tone.

Dating after dying

Posted on March 22, 2022 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

In my last post, I talked about my issues with dating–and why I want to try it again. I also wrote about why the idea was daunting–or rather, why I really, really, really like my own company. And my cat, Shadow! He’s my best companion. I noted that one of my issues with dating is that as I noted, I’m happy on my own. If I’m to date someone or someones, they have to add something to my life. I am perfectly content to mutter around my house, doing my own thing.

Here’s the thing. I don’t like to compromise. At all. I like to do what I want to do, when I want to do it, however I want to fucking do it. This would probably surprise people who knows me because I’m very amenable in person. I will try to find the best in other people (except for obvious narcissists), and I’m good at knowing what other people feel. In fact, that’s why I hate compromising–because I’m really good at it and have been expected to do it for all of my life. No one is expected to compromise with me, which fucking sucks. This is the familial legacy. This is why I have to keep my parents at an arm’s length, more than that, actually.

In addition, my ability to feel other people’s emotions is another reason I don’t date much. It’s hard enough to feel strangers’ emotions, let alone the emotions of someone I love. One reason I like hanging with my brother is that he doesn’t have deep emotions. Not a dig–he’d tell you this himself. he’s honest about what’s on his mind and there’s no subtext there. We are about as different as two people can be, but we get along great despite our differences. Or maybe because of them. He’s my handyman/techie, and I’m his therapist/guide as to how emotions work.

If I do start dating again, I do not want to be the emotional conduit in the relationship. I have a hard time drawing a line between supporting someone and taking on their emotions. Not so much with friends, but with people I date. Again, it was what I’ve been told is my job since I was a little kid. It’s a hard habit to break, especially since my mother still expects it form me. She’ll apologize and say she shouldn’t do it, but then continue to do it. In fact, I have angrily told her not to say that she shouldn’t do it because it just makes it worse when she does it again. We both know she’s not going to stop, so it’s just rubbing salt in the wounds. One time, I told her to stop asking me if I got cold (because she knows I don’t. She was just doing it because my father was concerned). Instead of saying she wouldn’t ask me again (and believe me, I’d pointed it out to her more than once), she said that she didn’t know what to say to me that didn’t make me upset.