I’ve been called a contrarian. I am. But not for the reasons you would think. My mother once said to me in exasperation that just because something was traditional, it didn’t mean it was bad. I retorted by saying that just because something was traditional, it didn’t mean it was good, either. She didn’t like that much, but it explains our different world views in a nutshell.
She is old-fashioned and adheres to rigid stereotypes–except when she doesn’t. For exmaple, she thisk her worth is as a wife and a mother, but she has worked outside the home all her life. She hadn’t wanted to, supposedly, but my father insisted. He’s very concerned about money as he was dirt poor growing up, so he wanted as much money coming into the house as possible.
So, I was supposed to want to get married and have children, but I was also supposed to want to have a career in order to be a productive member of society. I was also supposed to go to church and probably teach Sunday School or some shit like that. I’m supposed to wear makeup, be a size 6, and all that other bullshit.
This is why I reject womanhood. I have been told all my life that I am not a woman. and I just don’t care any longer. My Taiji teacher asked if I wanted to be called they/them, but I don’t want that, either. I’ve long since gotten over my ‘they is singular’ hang-up, but it just don’t feel right for me. Same with neopronouns . I have not found one that feels right.
I’m not trying to be difficult. I promise I’m not. It’s just…none of the pronouns work for me. So I might as well stick to ‘she’. It’s the one I’ve used all my life, and, yeah, I don’t love it–but I don’t hate it, either. It’s…fine. Which is how I feel about a lot of things. It’s…fine. It’s not great, but it’s not something I want to put much effort into.
Here’s the thing about gender. I just don’t fucking care about mine. Or rather, I care much less than many people. I am not a dude. I know that much. Other than that, though, it’s wide open. And, I’m going to be frank. After dying twice and coming back twice, I just don’t care enough to figure it out. I’m at the point where ‘yeah, good enough’ is…well, good enough.
I have problems with the whole pushing of pronouns because I want to support people and whatever their pronouns are, but I don’t have them myself. As I said, I’ll accept ‘she/her’ if someone else uses them for me, but I don’t want to use them for myself. It’s hard, though, because it’s what I’ve used all my life, so I still slip from time to time.
It just doesn’t feel right, though. But on the other hand, I do feel a kinship with women because it’s what I’ve identified with for most of my life–and it’s what I’ve been treated as (albeit a defective one) for all my life.
I don’t have a problem with bonding over being women. It’s a tough road, especially now with the all-out assault on reproductive choices. It infuriates me that my niece has less control over her body in 2023 (though we’re pretty lucky in MN) than I did when I was her age.
Fuck that noise. Fuck the repressive religious regime that wants to take us back to the last millennium. By the way, this is NOT one of the reasons I don’t consider myself a woman. I have the plumbing to get pregnant, so it doesn’t really matter what gender I am in that case.
I just don’t understand why my gender matters to anyone but me. Just as I didn’t understand why back in the day me deciding not to have kids was anyone’s business but mine. Just as I don’t understand why me being bi, ENM, or areligious is anyone’s business, either. More to the point, why would anyone care? It has nothing to do with them.