I want to talk more about being a weirdo and slowly finding out that it’s not me. In the last post, I mentioned that I had a rough childhood/teenage years/early twenties because I did not realize that it wasn’t just me. To clarify: I am weird. I am odd. I don’t fit in the mainstream for many reasons. I don’t like most of the popular culture popular things, which I have made my peace with at this late date in my life. But there were things that tripped me up (literally) that I figured was my own fault.
Like being clumsy.
It’s something I’ve dealt with all my life. I have run into things, fallen over things, tripped on things, etc., ever since I can remember. These are incidents that have happened to me: When I was two, I jumped off the bed (following my brother, apparently) and hit my head against the headboard. I had to go to the hospital to get stitches; I got my fingers slammed in the car door by my mother. Miraculously, no lasting damage; I broke the garage door window by hitting it to kill a mosquito (I maintain that this wasn’t completely my fault because the glass should not have broken that easily). Those were the big ones, but there have been countless incidents of me burning myself on the oven, running into the wall, stubbing my toe, etc. Oh! There’s one more incident–I dropped a weight on my big toe (a free weight). That’s another. Probably a 10 or 12-pounder.
Since I started learning Taiji, I have fallen off a ladder twice. Another thing. Driving, I have had several mini-issues with things like knocking the side mirror as I’m pulling into my garage, scraping the door against a mailbox, etc.
I have had bruises on almost every bit of my body. In fact, I would say that it’s a rare day when I don’t have a bruise. Oh, and I am keloid so I scar/bruise more visibly than other people. Currently, on my arms, I have five or so scratches/burns whatever that atre very visible.
I have called myself clumsy since I was little. As I wrote before, it doesn’t help that I am dreamy and don’t really pay attention to my surroundings because I am always in my thoughts. That’s why I think that it’s mostly me–because I am not in the present very often. Even when I’m practicing Taiji, my mind tends to wander a great deal.
The more I learn about autism, ADHD, and now dyspraxia, the more I think that maybe it’s not just all in my head. Or even if it’s in my head, that there’s a physical reason for so many things that I thought were just flaws. One of the problems with sexism (trust me, this is related) is that most of the known symptoms for these are more commonly found in men. Some of them are across the board, of course, but the ones that are not emphasized are more often found in non-men.
That’s not surprising. Eevrything medical is related to men. Men are the subjects of all the studies, even for pregnancy, and the recommended treatments are based on the average white dude. This is changing, but not fast enough. As an Asian non-male person who is twice as effective by mids as a wihte dude, it’s frustrating. Apparently, when i was in my coma, my mom kept telling my brother to bring up the fact that I was sensitive to medicines when I wouldn’t wake up and the docs were calibrating how much sedation to give me.