Underneath my yellow skin

Blah blah blah

The pandemic is not over, but I’m resigned to most people thinking it is. We’ve reached the point where it’s basically like the flu. And for most people, a bout of COVID means a week of feeling awful before getting on with their life.

I’m trying not to be bitter, but it’s hard. It’s not their fault. I understand that most people are able to move on and not think about it. I also understand that you cannot ask society in general to care about those of us who are more vulnerable. I know this, turly, in the bottom of my heart.

But people who just blithely say, “People get to assess their own risk level” irritate the fuck out of me. Yes, they get to assess their own risk level. I’m not arguing with that. But their assesssment affects other people, and it’s because of people refusing to be prudent in the early days that we’re still here at all. It really frustrates the fuck out of me that if we had had a hard lockdown in the beginning, maybe we wouldn’t have to worry about the next variant.

Or not. COVID has been cruel as fuck, not to mention persistent, It’s easy to believe that there’s nothing we could have to slow it down.

No. I don’t believe that, especially not in the beginning. Now that we have vaxxes, yeah, it’s probably going to be that a few thousand people die from it every year is what we get from now on. Like the flu. We’ll get jabbed every year and pray that it hits the strains that are actually prevalent that year.

Those of us with weak immune systems will need to be more careful, but that’s the case in general. I’m feeling punk today (and not in a good way). It’s been this way for a week or so. The annoyiing thing is that it’s not an actual cold or anything. It’s just me feeling rundown and tired.

This may be weird, but I’d rather just be sick. Then I can get through it and get back to life. This whatever has been lingering for a week, making me feel meh about everything. It’s not bad enough for me to just sleep, but it’s enough to make it dififcult for me to focus on anything.

Just a weird side note: It’s the day after Thanksgiving, which means it’s Black Friday. Does anybody even do Black Friday any more? I never did, but I can’t imagine anyone would nowadays. There are online sales at all times. Why go to an actual store at an ungodly hour to get something on sale? To be fair, not everyone shops online. In fact, probably more people don’t than do.

Hm. let me Google. (The last time I did, it was true that more people still shopped in brick and mortar stores.) Roughly 20% of shopping is done online with millenials doing a disproportionate amount of their shopping online (but all the older age groups prefer in-store shopping to increasing degrees as the age goes up).

So, ok. I can understand why Black Friday would still be a thing. For me, however, since there are endless sales online, there is absolutely no reason for me to get up early, leave the house, and wait in line for hours just to get a 70 inch-TV.

I try to be understanding of different people , but this is something that is beyond me. Now ,I get if you don’t use a computer in general why you might want to go to a real store, but if have even a passing knowledge of computers, then you should be able to shop online. I will s ay that for clothing, I can understand wanting to try them out in person. And, I guess if you’re buying something big like a car, yeah. Ok. I’ve talked myself into being pro-shopping in person, though that is never going to be my go-to.

As with many things in my life, there was a defining moment as to why I made the jump from in-person to online shopping. I was shopping at a mall for tennis shoes with my mother when I was in my twenties. I have big fat feet–very wide feet. They are almost like blocks rather than feet. I also wanted black tennis shoes, which was not a thing for women back then. I could not find any, and it frustrated the fuck out of me. Simple black tennis shoes. No pink, no turquoise, no nothing. I wouldn’t mind silver or in desperation, red. But I just wanted pure black.

I could find a dozen male stennis shoes that were black. Easily. But not a single female pair. We went to three or four stores, but nothing even close. I gave up and started looking for them online. I have not gone back to buying shoes in a store ever since.

In fact, in general, I don’t buy clothing except online. I have to say, intense negative experiences in a store has caused me to stop buying something more than once. For example, jeans. I have alawys found it difficult to find a pair of jeans that fit. I think most AFAB people could say the same thing. Two decades ago, I was at Target with my then-boyfriend, and we both needed jeans. He grabbed three or four pairs based on his waist and in-seams. That was it. He didn’t need to try them on or anything. he just had to wait until I got my jeans as well. I brought in the maximum number of jeans allowed and then tried on pair after pair. I always take pains to point out that I wsa at my skinniest at this time and wore a size 0 to 11. This is not because I want to be focused on weight, but because this emphasizes that even when I fit the industry’s ideal (suffering anoerxia to boot), I could not find a damn pair of jeans I could wear.

After several hours of being in the nasty Target dressing room’s lights that made my yellow skin look even more sallow, I hated everything about the way I looked, and I gave up. anything that fit my thighs did not fit my ass and vice-versa. I have thick thighs and calves from muscle, and at that point, a flat ass. My waist was thicc with two cs, and nothing fit. NOTHING.

I have given up on Western clothing for the most part. It’s not meant for me. When my mother used to come back every year, she would bring me clothes. The yhad to be extra-extra large, which was demoralizing in and of itself, but at least they felt good when they actually fit. They were more flowy and light than Western clothing, and I could finally breathe.

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