This has been a very shitty year for many reasons. Some are related to the politics of this country, but some of it is personal. I’m not going to delve too deeply into either, but I just wanted to state that at the outset. I don’t have much love for my country–
Side note (And, yes, I’m putting a side note in this early): I don’t understand patriotism. It is so beyond me. Why should I feel more passionate about the United States than, say, Burundi, just because I was born here? I have never really understood team mentality, even when I watched sports and rooted for Minnesota teams.
I should say that I get it on an intellectual level, sort of . “People like me, good. People not like me, bad.” I mean, I have people I am ride-or-die for, but it’s not based on a country or a nationality, a race, a gender, or anything else like that. I think this is part of the reason I don’t care about gender–it’s just another identifier that I don’t have any connection with.
I remember when the Vikings were overwhemingly supposed to make it to the Super Bowl, but flamed out in the first round of the playoffs. This was when I was following sports. I was crushed–for about a day. Then I shrugged it off and moved on with my life. The following pre-season, a local TV station interviewed a fan who was dressed in Vikings garb. He was still devastated by the loss and talked as if it had happened the day before. He clearly hadn’t moved on, and I just wanted to shake him and tell him to get a life.
I cannot fathom identifying with something that deeply that has nothing to do with you personally. Passionate spports fans in general are an anathema to me. Talking about how “we” did, as if the fan was an actual part of the team.
I have never felt that way about any group. Not national, not ethnic, not a team, or anything else. Not my family, either. I thought something was broken in me (as I thought about so many other things) that I could not get this. However, it never bothered me. I never really felt it was a bad thing that I didn’t care about any one group like that.
I’ve listened to sports fan who insist if you give up on your team at any point, then you are the worst of the worst. Moreover, you are not allowed to go back, apparently, if they ever win. I have heard grown men say this with a straight face. “You have to know the bad times to appreciate the good!” Like, no, you reallly don’t. That’s a very Christian way of looking at things, and I have never vibed with it, even back when I was ostensibly a Christian.
You don’t have to do anything, and while I do think the first win for, say, the Chicago Cubs, meant more to fans who had cheered for them for decades, I don’t think that invalidates the joy a person who has been a fan for a year felt. I was a Vikings fan for about a decade. They have never won a Super Bowl. Ever. I don’t think it’s wrong of me that I would be thrilled if they won now, even though I haven’t been a fan for a long time. Anyway. Back to the post.
I have one posture left to teach myself for the Double Fan Form. One posture! I cannot believe I’m almost to the finish line. I was exxpecting the final half-dozen postures to be brutally difficult, but much to my surprise, they have mostly been manageable. One or two have been, dare I say it, easy? I do!
Why did I expect the last few postures to be really hard? Because that’s the way forms are usually arranged in Taiji. The first section/part is for beginners to ease you into the form. The second section/part is intermediate, and you’re expected to know some things. The last section/part is for advanced students, and you’re expected to know even more things. The last part builds on the prior parts, and it’s a way to see what you know.
In this case, I feel like I spent so much time working on the first and second sections, I was ready for the third section. I had the building blocks, and I went through so much to get to the end of the form. This is the first time that I feel as if the last few postures are a breeze in comparison to the earlier postures.
My god. I still remember how I was in such despair around twelve postures in. i felt like such a clumsy person who could not do anything right. It started with me thinking it would be, well, not easy, exactly, but doable. I mean, I taught myself the Fan Form fairlyy easily*, so how hard could the Double Fan Form be?
So fucking hard! I’ve said this before, but I did not realize how doing two different things with my hands at the same time would break my brain. I can do the Double Saber Form, but the hands are never (or very rarely) doing two different things at the same time. They are either mirroring each other, or one is still while the other is doing something. Plus, there are no ‘kicks’ in the Double Saber Form, whereas there are a few in the Double Fan Form. They are slow and deliberate, but they are technically kicks.
As hard as it’s been, I’m glad I stuck with it. I had no real reason to do so, really, other than the love of learning. I will have to clean it up once I’m done because I’m already splicing a few of the movements together. It’s longer than most of the other forms I know, too, I think. I’m not sure because I’ve never really counted, but it feels like it’s ten times longer.
It’s funny because I was stuck in the 12-15 postures spot for quite some time. I despaired of ever moving forward. Then, I did it bit by bit until I got to 38 or so. I think that was when I got three shots in one day, and that laid me out for nearly a month. Then, I had to firm up what I knew to that point because I hadn’t practiced for that whole time.
Now that I am so close to the end, I’m wondering what my next weapon form will be. Only time will tell, I guess.
*Easy-ish. When I started teaching myself the left side, though, I realilzed I had fucked up a chunk of the right side. To be fair to myself, I started teaching it to myself two months after getting out of the hospital, so I give myself a pass on that.