I’m still trying to get my shit togetehr and my sleep back on track. I managed to go to bed by 2:30 a.m. last night–well, a quarter to three, which is miles better than what I’ve been doing in the past few weeks. I god a decent amount of sleep, but I’m still so tired. Oh, we got two to three inches of snow last night, but only an inch or so stuck around. Winter is not leaving without a fight this year. So, once again, I’m including a video of Prince singing Sometimes It Snows In April because homeboy (he was from here) knows about winter in April. It’s such a beautiful and melancholic song.
I don’t know if I–well, let me put it this way. I’m so tired. Physically and emotionally. I feel defeated and like there’s no reason to live. What’s the point? This country is fucked. Even if there is a country after this president is gone, it’s going to be unrecognizable. The first time he was president, iI had a bad feeling, but nothing like this time. Why? Because he has a chip on his shoulder and nothing to lose. He can do whatever he wants with very little consquences. Yes, the Supreme Court is doing some checking of him, but it feels very much like they’re slowing the bleeding–not stopping it.
This election showed a really ugly side of this country, and it has just broken me. I have never been a patriot, especially not since 9/11 and the aftermath. But I have never despised my fellow countrypeople as I do righrt now nor have I wished so much ill on them. I want them to feel the pain of all the shit this president is doing, even if they will never admit/know/acknowledge it’s his fault. He doesn’t care about them in the least, which is such a maddening thing. He’s like a cult leader in that they would do anything for him. He accepts this as his due and does not care if they get hurt in return.
My empathy has run out. I want his supporters to hurt the way he’s been hurting minorities in this country. I hate that I feel this way, but I can’t deny I do. I know they will be affected by many of his batshit decisions, but it’s not enough. I want them to know he is the reason for their pain.
It heartens me that there has been pushback by both Dems and Reps, but it feels like too little too late. Because here’s the thing. In order to have a reasonable discussion, both sides have to agree as to the parameters of said discussion. That’s not possible with this president because he’s in a world of his own. If the Republicans are willing to try to put a stop to some of his ideas, well, then that’s a step in the right direction.
It doesn’t help that the family dysfunction is what it is. I talked to my mother tonight, and I realized that I’m back to feeling depressed every time I talk to her. This was actually a not-bad converastion (in comparison to several other talks we’ve had recently), but I still brace myself every time I talk to her because there’s a chance that something will come up that I have to brace myself for.
What I have realized about my mother is that I can’t trust her version of–well, anything. She sees things in a certain way, which is very old-fashioned, gender-rigid, and, well, there’s no nice way to put it–back-assward. I realized in my thirties that she saw things in a very twisted way. If it was her own behavior, then it was through very rose-colored glasses. If it was other people’s behavior, those glasses were much darker. She can’t stand thinking of anything she’s done wrong or anything unpleasant, so she has to quickly rewrite history so tha she comes out looking better.
With other people, though, she only sees bad motives or cannot understand why people are not responding to her messages. I have several reasons for it. One, dementia is looked upon as a moral failing in Taiwan. Therefore, there are probably some people who are avoiding my father because of that. Two, my mother is very demanding. She expects people to cater to her, though she would not phrase it that way. Add to that the fact that she views my father as the most important person/thing/being in the world, and she’s making it uncomfortable on people. She’s hounding his relatives to visit him, heavily implying (or maybe outright saying) that various relatives owe him.
Here’s a not-so-nice-fact. My father is not a pleasant person to be around. Even before his dementia, he was only bearable beacuse he would charm people. When he felt like it. And he felt like it when he wanted to make sure he did not lose face. In other words, it was for optics and not because he actually cared about people.
Now, with the dementia worsening, he’s not easy to talk to. I get it on one level because dementia suuuuuuucks. It’s just horrible in and of itself, and that is not his fault. But, and my brother and I were just talking about this, he wasn’t a pleasant man before he got dementia, and he’s not a pleasant man now. I have more grace for him now than before because of the dementia, but I can’t say I enjoy talking to him.
It’s strange, though. My brother says that my father gets very confused when talking to him. And, yes, he’s called me by the wrong name now and again, but for the most part, he’s coherent when we talk. I don’t know why that is. Maybe the time we’re talking. Or something else. But he rarely confuses me with someone else. That’s not to say he’s always 100% present because he’s not, but he doesn’t seem to confuse me with others the way he does my brother and my mother.
With my mother, he calls her Ecco (her Taiwanese nickname) when he recognizes her. But ‘Grace’ when he thinks she’s my mother (and not his wife). And he thinks my brother is any vast array of male relatives. He’s confused me with my nibling once or twice, but that’s it. More tomorrow.