Underneath my yellow skin

New Year’s thoughts

hopefully better than the last!
New year, same shit?

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, but I do take time in the weeks leading up to it to reflect on my life. This is a grim time as I think my life is crap in general. If i had a hard reset button, I would slam it without thinking about it. Except. I wouldn’t want to give up my friends, taiji, Dark Souls, Shadow, my brother and his family, and, ok, maybe not a total reset.

But. There are always things I wish I were doing differently. Some are ongoing such as my desire to publish a book (though my writing is not going great at the moment), but others are pretty specific. Let’s start with the one I think I will achieve the easiest.

1. Learn the taiji Sabre From. I just learned the third row of six, and this one I will accomplish barring some unforeseen obstacle in my way. So, let’s add to it learn the Cane Form. I am through the first row of four, but it gets batshitcrazy in the third or fourth row. I’ve seen my teacher perform it, and it’s jumping all over the place. I cannot wait.

I also have to teach myself the left side of each form because that’s how it works. The teacher teaches the right side, and we have to teach ourselves the left side. It’s a good way to discover where I’ve been fudging it on the right side, and it reinforces the teaching. I have to brush up on the Sword Form left side.

A funny side note: I still haven’t taught myself the whole Solo Form because the Solo Form got drastically changed when I was teaching myself the third section. That’s the section with most of the changes, and I decided to let it settle down before trying to teach myself the left side. And, to be honest, I am still not a big fan of the Solo Form, though knowing the applications has helped as has learning the Fast Form. The Fast shorter form. Which is the new Solo Form. I would like to learn the whole Fast Form this year as well, but that is a little outside my control.

Side note to the side note: I have been struggling to make it to class for a few reasons, most of them health related. That in turn makes it difficult to learn new things because we’re all at different places. I would like to make at least one class a week in addition to my Sabre Form private lessons every other week. That entwines with another of my thoughts so you’ll have to wait for it.

Prediction: I will get this one. And I will be stoked to learn the next form, which I’m hoping will be the Fan Form. Or maybe Dual Sabres. With a side helping of the karambit. Which is not a taiji thing, but so fucking cool, anyway.

2. Elimination diet. This is one that pisses me the fuck off so much. I’ve been researching into it, and I just do not want to do it. I’m realizing how much of the shit I’ve been eating has garlic and/or onion in it. Yes, I need to go to the co-op, but that plays into my other issue of health shit. Cubs is three minutes away. The nearest co-op is fifteen minutes away. Plus, since I don’t go to them any longer, it’s harder for me to navigate them. I get some social anxiety for whatever reason, but it means I have to gear myself up for it. Plus, their hot bar doesn’t start until 11, which, these days, is later than I want to go.

I don’t cook. It’s not that I can’t–I can. It’s that I don’t enjoy it in the least. I hear people talking about it being relaxing, and I cannot relate at all. I just feel resentful and irritated, and I can’t wait to get it over. Then, I have to do dishes, which is my least favorite part. I hate everything about it. I hate that I’ve already given up gluten, dairy, and caffeine, and that isn’t enough. I hate that I’ll have to do something I hate in order to get better. But what do I hate more than that? Having to shit for a half hour up to an hour and feeling exhausted and dehydrated afterwards.

I’m planning on going to the co-op tomorrow, and I think the best thing to do is to write what I’m going to get ahead of time. I don’t usually have a list, but in this case, it might cut down on frustration. Here is Monash University (Australia), one of the experts in FODMAP stuff, and their lists. It’s funny because when I first started researching this stuff, there were several on the high FODMAP (bad) list that I already suspected I had an issue with. Apples, pears, watermelon, and mango for example. Others, however, were quite the surprise. Cashews, cauliflower, onion, garlic, and peaches.

It was disheartening to be in Cubs yesterday and checking everything and seeing it had onion and/or garlic in it. Thus, the going to the co-op and cooking bit. The elimination part is up to six weeks, and then each group (five of them) are added back one by one to see what actually is causing the discomfort. Ideally, you do this with a dietitian/doctor, but that would mean finding one. Which I have to do, but I want to get on the diet thing now. I’m toying with the idea of adding gluten/dairy back to pinpoint what specifically is bothersome, but I’m not sure it’s worth it. I know I have sensitivities to both, and why not just leave it at that? On the other hand, cheese. I miss cheese. I miss dumplings. I miss pasta. I would love to be able to eat some or all of that again.

The question is, is the temporary discomfort/difficulty worth the long-term knowledge and possibility of eating donuts again? I know it is, but I just don’t know if I can make myself do it in the short run. As I said, I’m slowly cutting out the ‘bad’ stuff that I have at home, but I need to do an attitude adjustment before I just into this wholeheartedly. Half of me wants to h ave a blowout before I start, but that’s probably not ideal.

Prediction: I will bitch about it for another few weeks and then buckle down and do it. Once I decide to do something, I do it full bore. I probably will finish the elimination phase by…my birthday. Which is in April. That seems reasonable. Hopefully, I will have this all figured out by the end of the year. It’s entirely possible.

3. Sex. I feel as if I could just leave it at that, and this is actually an ongoing situation. I don’t want romance. I don’t want a partner of any kind. I just want sex. Lots of it and with more than one person. I’m hornier now than I was in my slut phase, and that’s saying a lot. However, while the mind is very willing, I’m not as sure about the body. I went full-tilt in class on Saturday, and I’m still feeling it three days later. Still. I want to fuck. I just don’t have any faith in online dating apps. Which means meeting people in the real world. Which means….I get tired just thinking about it.

This is the one I have the least faith in because there is so much internal shit I need to fix before I can actually do this.

That’s all I feel like talking about today, so I’ll end this here. I may write more about it in the future.

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