I have a Taiji confession to make. I do not like the Long Solo Form. This is the basis for everything we do, and it’s the first thing I was taught by my teacher fifteen years ago. I hated it then and resisted it with all my might. I questioned my teacher every step of the way, and I dragged my feet in practicing at home. As in, I didn’t. Practice at home, I mean. It’s the reason I slowly added a second class a week and then a third. I reasoned that if I wasn’t going to practice at home, then I better go to more classes.
The Long Solo Form is the Master Liang form. He was very much into dancing and made everything fit a piece of music. Everything was even counts and the movements reflected that belief. The form hurt my knees and my back terribly. I had to do extensive work to undo both (though, to be fair, I already carried a lot of body pain before Taiji. The Long Form just exacerbated it).
I cursed Taiji. I got my teacher to say ‘Fuck Taiji’ as a way of emphasizing with my disgruntled frame of mind. I had forgotten all about this until my private lesson today. In the backyard in 68 degree weather, by the way. It ‘felt like’ 103 two days ago. Madness! Anyway, we were working on the new Long Form and chatting about how much I hated the old one when I first started Taiji. She said she was working with a new student who was very skeptical about the benefits of Taiji. My teacher said she understood and mentioned she once had a student (me) who was exceedingly skeptical about Taiji, so much so, I drove her to say ‘Fuck Taiji’ about something or the other. I joked, “Did your hand explode? No? Then Taiji can’t be that bad.” That was something else I had said in jest–that I felt like Taiji would make my hand explode.
I have apologized to my teacher for being the biggest pain in her ass about Taiji. She shrugged it off because as she said, she trusted Taiji. She knew it was beneficial, and she trusted that I would realize it at some point. Now, I can’t imagine my life without it, honestly. Yes, it’s mostly the weapons, but I realize that the Long Form is important.
One reason I stopped practicing it is because right before the pandemic, my teacher’s teacher started to drastically change it. Or rather, he started teaching the Medium Form, which is very different. And tweaking the Long Form. I don’t remember how many years ago it was, but I was trying to teach myself the left side of the Long Form.
Quick primer. The teacher teaches you the right side of a form and then you teach yourself the left side. It’s a good way to see where you’re just making shit up and where you’re fudging things in the right side of the form. It’s a way to reinforce what you’ve learned as well. I made it two-thirds of the way through the the left side of the third section of the Long Form when my teacher’s teacher started changing the whole thing. It seemed like every week she would come in and say that he had changed something or the other. I was getting frustrated, so I put it aside. And then, well, the world fell apart and I died twice.
Now, however, my teacher is focusing on the Long Form once again. She’s teaching us the new way of doing it and we’re almost through the second section. So, today for my private lesson, we looked at the first section. She had two major notes for me. One, I’m bringing my hands up too high in general. Two, using my hips to move my feet. It’s hard to explain, but it’s very different than the Medium Form. She asked to see my first section, and I put in centering steps where I normally wouldn’t because we were outside. She said there were no centering steps in the Long Form, which I knew. I just put it in there because I was feeling unsteady outside.
It’s always harder to do something in front of the teacher than in the solitude of your house. That’s why she stands in the back so I don’t have to see her most of the time. Yes, there’s a brief moment when I face her, but in general, I can pretend she’s not there. I was painfully aware of all my mistakes, though. Not the arms thing because I truly wasn’t aware I was doing that, but the hip thing, yes. I had been practicing it, but I hadn’t gotten the hang of it. Normally, we don’t do isolated movements. This is not exactly isolated, but it’s not what I’m used to, either. I’ve been struggling with it and thought I had it, but I did not.
I don’t like doing things I’m not good at. I don’t like not doing things correctly. I do not like doing things that don’t feel good to me. The Long Form is all that and more to me. It brings up all my insecurities and makes me painfully self-conscious. Not because it was hard for me to learn; it wasn’t. But to do it correctly? That’s harder. to not make the newbie mistakes I made in the beginning? That’s just embarrassing. To do it with as much ease and confidence that I do the weapon forms? That feels night impossible.
To someone watching me, I’m sure it looks just fine. One thing my teacher said when I participated in my first demo was that to the uninitiated, we all look like masters. It’s true. The first time I went to a demo (for her school), I was awed by everyone who participated. The last demo (which was on Zoom, of course)? I could see all the mistakes that people made. Except my teacher and her teacher, of course. Not because the other people got worse but because I got better.
I’m trying to accept that this is a challenge for me. I like things being easy and not being pushed. Yes, I inhaled teaching myself weapons forms, but that’s because I like them. Yes, it’s natural to like what you’re good at, but that does not build up your mettle. I don’t mean to denigrate my weapons forms because it’s still an accomplishment. But, I wanted to do that. I want to learn all the weapons in the world. I still do. Guan Dao is next up. I also need to teach myself the last row of the Karambit Form (not Taiji).
But. For now, I’m going to focus on the Long Form. I am going to perfect it and make sure I understand the thinking behind it. I’m also going to work on the refinements for all my weapon forms. And, I need to teach myself the left side to the weapons forms, too. I know the Sword Form (left side), and I had taught myself the Saber Form (left side), but I don’t think I could do the whole thing. I taught myself the left side to the Double Saber Form, but I highly doubt I’d remember much if any of it.
Let’s see if I can focus on the Long Solo Form for the next few months and really polish it to a shine. That’s going to be a challenge that I’m eager to tackle.