Let’s talk more about my birthday and my goals for the upcoming year. Before I do that, though, I am so stoked about the weapons I have ordered. I am working on the Double Fan Form, and I’m not loving it. I don’t know why because I adore the Fan Form. Something about this is not working in my brain. The video I’m watching is split in front and back view ins the same view at half-speed. Theoretically, it should be a gerat way to learn the form because I can look at both front and back–but I think that’s actually part of the problem. I have a hard time focusing on one or the other. I think I prefer two separate videos because then I can focus on one or the other.
Yes, I know I could do that myself, but my brain doesn’t work that way. I have added a few more movements. It’s…fine, but not blowing me away. I can’t help but compare my feelings about the Double Fan Form to how I felt when I learned that I could do the Cane Form with the Saber. Not only did that blow my mind, but it felt so damn good. I gave myself a week to learn it, but it took three or four days. One day per row (four rows).
I just did a quick practice of what I know for the Double Fan Form. My brain still can’t grasp it completely. I’ve looked at a few different forms. There are three that seem to be the most repeated. One might be the official one–the one I’m trying to learn. Another one is a bit more aggressive, which I like, but not what I’m about right now.
I feel like I should learn the official one first before branching off to the other ones. I need to be patient with myself, but I’m used ot learning new forms pretty quickly. Why is this one so hard? My impulse is to say that it’s beacuse the two fans do different things, but up to this point, they really don’t. Also, in the Double Saber Form, the two sabers do different things, and I did not have too hard a time with that form.
The Double Sword Form has been fun, but it’s just me messing with two swords. For whatever reason, though, it feels much more natural than the Double Fan Form (formal). There is not an official Taiji Double Sword Form (that I can find), but there are two that I’ve found that are pretty cool. One is Taiji and the other is labeled Taiji/praying mantis.
Ha. I found a cool video of one man with two swords fighting another man with a spear. It turns out to be someone I subscribe to–the guy who reviewed the twin straight swords I bought. I’ve included the video below.
I have to get used to the idea that there may not be an official form and to find something that I like instead. Or that I can come uup with one of my own. Like with the Double Sword Form. I’ve been doing the Sword Form with two swords for the past several dayss. It’s been a revelation to do it that way.
So, what am I going to do with my weapons this year? One. I am going to learn a Double Fan Form. Whether it’s the official one or not, it’s number one on my list. Two. I am going to clean up the forms I already know. Three. I’m going to create a Karambit/Fan Form, but this is mostly for funsies. Four. I’m going to finish teaching myself the Karambit Form. Five. I’m going to learn a Double Sword Form or create one based on the Sword Form. I’m already halfway there with the latter, but I’m just not sure it’s good enough.
I think that’s my biggest stumbling block. It’s difficult for me to say, “Hey, yeah. I can actually make a weapon form.” I mean, who the fuck am I to think I can do that? I’m a nobody. I’m a novice. A noob. Wait. No I am not. I’ve being practice for over a decade-and-a-half. I’ve been doing weapons for at least a decade. I have been teaching them to myself for the past four years (during the pandemic, basically).
My teacher likes to say that to people who have less experience than we do, we are masters. I would not go that far for myself, but, yes, I know enough to cerate my own form. In watching the past demos, I have noticed that other students have created forms–students who are on my level. They are not masters like my teacher or her teacher. Some have practiced as much as I have or maybe a bit more/less.
My teacher has said that her teacher is tickled pink that I’m so obsessed with the weapons (as he is). He has said that I am welcomed to any of his clasess at any time, especially the weapons classes. I would love to do that because he is beyond compare when it comes to the weapons. I need a teacher when it comes to the weapons. I’m decent at them, but I need a teacher who can elevate my game.
I am feeling more and more comfortable saying that I’m good at the weapon forms. I’m more comfortable with ‘admitting’ that I’m into weapons, and fuck it if anyone thinks anything bad about it. Which many have in the past. As I’ve said, men tended to be turned on by it (sigh) and women were aghast at me being ‘violent’ (double sigh). This was in the days when we weren’t as aware of genders beyond the binary.
I am glad we have moved past that (the binary), but I’m scared by all the hate that it’s stirred up. I told K that I felt like I had to stay quiet about being agender, even though that would not be as big a deal as being trans/nonbinary, I think. I don’t like being called she, but I can deal with it. For now. More tomorrow.