I have two things I want to talk about, so because it’s my blog and I can do what I want to, I’m going to write about both. Or one until I run out of steam and decide to write about the other one tomorrow. They aren’t directly related, but there are tendrils that grow out of each that entwine and become merged together.
Let’s starct with sleep. It sucks. The end.
Of course, that’s not all I have to say about it; I’m just getting started.
I have written about sleep so often, I’m begin to bore myself. But it’s getting worse, so I’m going to keep writing about it. About twenty years ago, my therapist at the time told me of a solution that was getting some attention. It’s to stay awake for three days (and nights) straight–72 hours in order to jumpstart your brain. (That’s a very grossly simple explanation of what it was supopsed to do.) When I tried it at the time, I made it roughly 62 hours before my bestie called me to say she had her baby–prematurely.
Follishly, I went to the hospital to visit them. I was out of my mind as I talked to K. I don’t remember what I said or if I even saw the baby through the glass. I think maybe not? As I was driving home, which was the same as if I was driving home from her house, I forgot how to get on the last freeway I needed to travel to get home. When I got home, I went to sleep immediately. (I really, really, REALLY should not have been driving).
Did it jumpstart my brain? Not really. Do I think it’ll do it this time? Not really. But! I think it might interrupt the slide I’m experiencing as far as my struggle to get to bed at a reasonable time.
Side note: I do think there’s too much pressure to go to bed at a ‘good’ hour (which means before midnight I guess?) and to say that anyone who goes to bed after that time has a mental health problem. Yes, there are studies that show that people who go to bed ‘late’ suffer more from depression, but correlation is not causation, and I would wager it’s the other way around. (People who cannot go to bed before midnight get depression from trying to force their natural biorhythms to fit those of the world around them.)
That said, I would like to go to bed before the sun rises. I want to aim for 3 a.m. I think that’s reasonable for me (but not tonight).
Side note deux: I was watching a show in which the participants were talking about when do you conside the next day to have begun. These were night owls, and none of them thought of a new day beginning at midnight. I was excited by this because I have long given up that metric as the start of a new day. For me, it’s when I wake up–that’s the new day. Anything before I go to sleep is the same day. In the show I was watching, one person answered that anything until the sun rose was one day. Another said that if he was called anytime before going to bed to set up a meeting at any time after he woke up, that would be the next day, regardless of what time it actually was.
I felt that deep in my bones. If I haven’t gone to bed yet, it’s the same day. Anything that happens after I wake up is tomorrow. Doesn’t matter that it’s now almost five in the morning. If I have something at 4 p.m.? That’s tomorrow. Is it a nonsensical way of marking my days? I would argue it actually makes more sense than the arbitrary midnight–especially now that we have artificial light. I get that it’s not practical beacuse everyone goes to bed and gets up at different times, but it works for me internally.
I had a private lesson with my Taiji/Bagua teacher today. I mentioned to her that my Taiji weapon forms were starting to feel aggressive, and I wasn’t comfortable with it. I know it’s because I’m doing Bagua, and I know that one of her teacher’s teachers advocates for no style, just human style. Still. When I’m doing the Fan Form, I do not want it to be aggressive.
My teachers said that with the saber and cane, it’s fine to be more aggressive. I had to stop here there because that blew my mind. Taiji was about flow and giving back the energy you received. How could it be aggressive, too? But once she explained it, it made sense. The saber was given to infantrymen in China who were basically meat shields and fodder. The enemy would send teams of horses (with soldeiers who had shields) to mow them down. The Chinese upper military men realized that having staffs or straight swords would do the infantry men no good. They curved the swords so that they could get around the shields and just slice the (sorry) tendon of one of the hores’s legs. Since the horeses were all shackled together, if one went down, they all would.
In other words, the saber was a brute force weapon. It’s conisdered the lowest level weapon in Taiji. Hm. Not level, but least-elegant. How about we put it like that. Funnily enough, the sword is considered the second highest (and second hardest) weapon, but it’s the one we learn first. When I asked my teacher about it, well, I don’t remember what her answer was, but I would not be surprised if it was a way to–no, I’m not going to guess. I will ask her and write about it later.
My teacher told me it would be ok to be more aggressive with the saber. And with the cane since they are basically the same. No , not in size or heft or shape, but other than that. What I mean is that they have the same feel to them (not literally). They are both blunt weapons that depend on brute strength, not finesse. One of my favorite weapon forms is doing the Cane Form with the saber. Once my teacher told me I could do that, I instantly fell in love with it. I like it much better than either the Cane Form or the Saber Form.
Because these two weapons depend on brute strength, it is ok for me to be aggressive with them. The sword is elegant and a finesse weapon, so that’s one that I want to be more delicate with. There are times when I can be faster, but not necessarily aggressive. And I don’t want to be. My teacher said a real master is someone who knows how to speed up and slow down, when to use aggression and when to not. It’s not static, and it doesn’t remain the same.
Oh, she also suggested that I do Taiji before doing the Fan Form (and Double Fan Form) and Sword Form, whereas it’s fine to do Bagua before doing the Saber Form, the Double Saber Form, and the Cane Form. It was really helpful for her to tell me which weapons were fine to do aggressively and which were better not to. And, in the case of the Fan Form, one I did not want to do with aggression, she gave me tips how to keep it chill.
I love concrete tips that I can do to little or no problem.
Oh, back to the sleep thing for a second. I’m not doing it tonight because I have a Taiji Zoom class at noon on Saturday, which I don’t want to show up acting as if I were high. Or constantly dozing off. So I’m planning on doing it Saturday night, Sunday night, and Monday night. I’ll get enough snacks to see me through the nights/mornings/days*.
If I can’t make it through the whole seventy-two hours, maybe it’ll at least push my sleep to a more ‘normal’ time (and, yes, I will always put ‘normal’ in quotes because it’s bullshit). At this point, I’m desperate enough to try anything. That’s enough for now. I’ll write more tomorrow.
*Coffee won’t help. Caffeine doesn’t do much for me. But I don’t think I’ll fall asleep as I’m eating. Who knows? We shall see.