I’m a weird amalgamation of, well, everything. I’ve talked endlessly before about how weird I am in so many ways. Another is that I am always about the underdog and try to find a reason for why people do what they do. But, I also have a voice inside my head that is constantly criticizing everything and everyone. Mostly me, but other people, too.
I try to take the high road. I really do. At least outwardly. I know it’s the right thing to do, but there’s a small part of my brain that, well, is a right nasty bitch. The same part that produces the voice above, quite frankly. Nasty voice. Really nasty. Like, “Fuck you, asshole! Step the fuck back before I rip your nuts off and cram them down your throat” nasty. And, “No one would care if you die” nasty. I’ve learned to keep it to myself, but it’s there.
Side note: I have a psychology background–probably partly spurred by my mother. I also inherited a fair amount of charisma from my father. In addition, my intuition about people is off the chains. I know things about people they don’t know about themselves and things that they wouldn’t want others to know. In addition to this, I can feel other people’s emotions and I know their weak points. The latter is because I’m really good at reading people. I’m not infallible, of course, and when I fail, I fail spectacularly.
Most of the time, however, I’m pretty accurate. I don’t normally bring up my observations unless I’m asked, but they’re in my mind. I hate feeling like Cassandra (the oracle), but I do more often than not. There is so much I keep to myself, and it’s one reason I’m practically a hermit.
I’ve talked in the past about not feeling normal but not knowing why. I assumed it was because I was broken in some way, and it never occurred to me that maybe it was just me being different. In the past few years, there has been an emphasis on autism and ADD/ADHD, and some of it has resonated with me. My brother most likely is on the spectrum. One of my nephews is on the spectrum. My mom thinks she might be on the spectrum. Lately, I’ve been wondering as well. I know I have OCD traits, and I used to think that precluded me from being on the spectrum or having ADD. But some years ago, a social media friend was talking about ADHD which he had, specifically the hyperfocus, He said ADHD wasn’t just about being distracted all the time, but by being obsessed with something once it really caught your interest.
That really clicked with me, and it pushed a few things into place. I’m always multitasking because I need to distract my brain. If I’m writing, I have to have some video in the background (or music, but not so much these day), and even so, my brain flits here and there. It’s been especially bad during lockdown, but I think I have an excuse for that.
Let’s take video games. It could be any pop culture in general, but since that’s currently my jam, I’m using it it for this example. I was talking with Ian the other day about what games I like and don’t like. In particular, Souls games. And I specifically mean the Souls games and not the wider genre of FromSoft Games. You might think it’s because of the fantasy settings. Yes, that’s part of it. I love fantasy. You might also think it’s because of the combat. This is less definitive as I don’t love pure melee combat, and I certainly don’t love parrying. I do love the deliberateness of the combat, but I’m a caster, specifically a strengthcaster, through and through. I like the puzzle aspect of figuring out each situation and boss, then applying my knowledge to beat said situation/boss. And if all else fails, I can summon or brute force my way through the situation/boss.
I also love the exploration aspect of the games. That’s probably my favorite part of all. Wandering through the areas, finding secrets all over the place. I’m pretty thorough when I play the games, and I’ve still missed secrets that I found out years later either by further exploration or by reading wikis. Finding a secret on my own is a high like no other, and no other game gives me such a feeling.
Ian suggested that part of what I liked about the games I like (including BOI:R and Cook, Serve, Delicious! 3?!) is that they all had complex systems that had to be mastered. I thought about it, and he was right. There is a steep learning curve in each of the games, but once I learned them, I could switch my brain off for the most part and just play. CSD 3 has recently released the latest (and last) update, and it’s turned it back into a thinking game for me. It might be out of my league, the last update, which is what happens with all these games at some point. They want to cater to the hardcore fanbois, which leaves the rest of us in the dust. I understand why this happens, but it’s sad for me.
Anyway. The real point of this post is that the current president is a national disaster. And, he’s bringing up the inhumanity in me to an alarming degree. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt as much as I can, even with the constant asshole voice in the back of my mind. With this president, however, I can’t at all. I flinch whenever I hear him talk, no matter what he says. It’s not that I expect him to be better (I don’t), but that he’s exposing the worst of this country and is unabashed in doing so. All the issues we have but haven’t talked about are on display in him, and it’s infuriating/enraging/embarrassing/depressing/heartbreaking.
I want him dead. I hate thinking it or writing it, but I can’t deny it. What makes it worse is that I know several people who feel the same, and not just godless heathens like me. I know some Christians who have voiced the same opinion. Some of the people with the kindest hearts have said it as well. Don’t get me wrong. I know he’s not the only problem (by far), but I feel like it would be excising a cancerous tumor to get rid of him (and then tackling what we need to change afterwards).
Before Times, I argued that I’d rather have him than Pence because he was ineffectual whereas Pence could probably get his shit through. Now, however, I’m willing to take the chance that Pence would be marginally better that this asshole in dealing with the Covid-19. I’m not sanguine about it, but it can’t be worse. That’s the bottom line with this president–he can always sink lower. And he will. We have not seen the worst of the pandemic, and it’s breaking me.
Here’s something else I hate admitting: If there was a way for all the naysayers and the defiant ‘it’s my right not to wear a mask’ assholes to get the coronavirus and die from it without hurting anyone else, I would be full on board with it. I know it’s not possible, but this is one of my dark fantasies.
Side note II: It’s the same with any social justice issue, though. Take sexual assault. All the things women are told to do in order not to be attack and how they’re grilled afterwards about what they did/didn’t do (often contradictory) that implies or outright states they were asking for it. The dark side of me wants every woman to be equipped with a knife or gun that only they can use and respond with brute force to an attack. If some guy grabs a boob, then he gets nut-punched. I know none of this is feasible or even advisable in many cases, but it doesn’t stop my brain from fantasizing about it.
I’m tired. I’m broken. I want it all to end. I don’t see a way out of this.