I’m back to talk more about just how fucking tired I am. Wait. That wasn’t the topic of yesterday’s post? Well, it might as well have been. I got a decent amount of sleep last night–oh, by the way. Last night is when I sleep regardless of the time. For instance, I went to bed around 7:30 in the morning and got up at two in the afternoon. The former was my night and the latter was my morning. This is my late evening, and I’m going to try to get to bed before the sun rises–you know what. Let me be real with myself. I cannot fix the problem if I lie to myself. Or not lie, really, because I know I’m not being real.
Here’s the thing. After my medical crisis, I was able to get to bed at a reasonable hour, get a tight eight hours, and then go about my day. This was four-and-a-half years ago. I maintained that for about a year, and then it slowly started reverting back to my norm. If it had been all at once, I might have had the wherewithal to make myself stop. I can deal with disasters well–it’s the slow creep that causes me trouble.
It’s something that’s common for people who are neurodivergent, apparently. That we are really good in emergencies/crises. There are a few reasons for this. One, we tend to think outside the box. Which means that we can come up with solutions that other people may not think of. Two, things that distress other people may not be as immediately distressing to us. Hm. I don’t feel comfortable talking about the whole neurodivergent populace, so I’ll just speak about me. While I’m anxious in my day-to-day life and about really trivial things like ‘was my tone in that email too curt?’, I am, quite contrarily, really chill and cool whilst in the middle of a crisis.
Things that would hit other people hard do not do the same to me. Or rather, I can still keep my head in those moments. Probably because my brain quite simply does not think in the same way as other people’s brain. For example, after 9/11, I just could not understand why people kept saying, “How could this happen in the U.S.?” To me, my only surprise was that it didn’t happen earlier. In other words, with all the shit we were doing, why wouldn’t other countries want to attack us?
Please note that I am not making excuses or saying it was justified–I’m just saying I’m not surprised that we got attacked. It happens all around the world, and it’s grimly funny to hear so many people think American exceptionalism meant that there was a protecttive bubble around us that would deflect any negativity that came our way. Again, I’m not saying it was justified or that it wasn’t shocking. I’m saying it wasn’t a surprise, and I could not understand why other people thought it was. Or rather, I understood on an intellectual level, but emotionally, it baffled me.
Back to sleep. Why? Just because. I’m planning on trying to stay up for 72 hours starting with tomorrow after my Taiji Zoom class. However, I think I might need to take a nap before doing so. I’m so tired right now. It’s frustrating that I can get to the point of exhaustion, and then when I try to sleep, I can’t. Or, I can’t sleep as much as I want to. I don’t mind if I can get a total of eight hours a night (even if it’s in two or three chunks), but if it’s six or less, then I’m in a world of hurt.
I need to get myself prepared for staying up for 72 hours. I’m going to order food and groceries, and then I’m goin to pump myself up with caffeine. I say that it doesn’t really affect me as far as keeping me awake, but it can’t hurt. Unless it makes my heart explode. I have a hunch that my contrarian brain will decide it NEEDS to sleep the second I decide to try to stay up for 72 hours.
Like I said yesterday, I made it about 62 hours the last time I tried it. Do I think I can go more than that? I don’t know. I’m really fucking tired. I also am having a really hard time with my sleep. Put that together, and I’m very doubtful that I can make it 72 hours. To be honest, I’m not really looking to do that. What I want is for me to fuck up my sleep schedule so much, I can get it back on track. Do I think that’s going to happen? Also a no. But I think there’s a better probability that I can make that happen than that I can stay awake for 82 hours.
I’m desperate at this point. I’m not trying this because I think it’ll actually work; I’m doing it because it’s better than nothing at this point. I’m getting more and more tired every day, and it feels as if I will never catch up with my lack of sleep.
Onto Taiji/Bagua. I did my Taiji warmups first and then did the Double Fan Form and the Fan Form. One thing my teacher told me was to be gentler with the forms I wanted to keep it chill with. I did that and tried to keep a lighter touch. That really helped mute the aggressiveness I was feeling. Then, when I did the Cane Form with the saber, I let my aggression fly. My god, it felt amazinrg to go hard with the saber. I felt powerful and as if I could beat anything.
I really appreciate that she carefully broke it down for me and that I have something concrete I can act on. I tend to get lost in the theoretics, so Icould use with something grounding me. Plus, practical steps that I can actually follow are always a plus. It’s something I really appreciate about my teacher–she always has a pragmatic suggestion to make. If she doesn’t, then she’ll ask her teacher before coming back with an answer.
It felt much better to do the Fan Form and the Double Fan Form with a delicate and light hand before tearing it up with the Cane Form with the saber (left side) and the Bagua Knives Form (which I’m teaching myself). One of her teacher’s teacher likes to say, “No style, only human style” as an explanation why he doesn’t stick to one martial art or anotther. He mixes them up while doing them all in his style. He’s combat over health (to grossly simplify it) so he puts his weight 100% forward and unifies the movements for maximum output.
Oh. I was going to say that I decided on the fly to try to stay awake for 48 hours. I think that’s reasonable and doable. Then we’ll take it from there. More tomorrow (probably during that time when I’m trying to keep myself awake).