One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot throughout my life is how much my sense of being an outsider is me and how much is them. Them meaning society. In yesterday’s post, I wrote about how there’s a channel in the Discord to which I belong that is really good for discussing various topics. It got threateneed to be age-verified when Discord switched to that (not getting into the inane politics behind it, but just, ugh), and some people who never visited the channel thought that was just fine.
Here’s the thing. It’s the one channel I felt comfortable talking about queer things, nonmonogamy, and an array of other things that did not fit into the other channels. In fact, the channel was created (before my time) when there wasa a college student (19 or 20, I think) asking questions about sexual slang. I gather this was in one of the ugeneral channels, and some people were uncomfortable with it.
Then, one of the owners of the Discord created the channel for After Dark topics and said, “Don’t make me regret this.”
We got that lifted when the threat of intrusive age-verification became a reality, for which I am profoundly grateful. In this channel, we have talked about music, dating, lightly touched on politics, and, yes, sex. We’ve talked about nonmonogamy/polyamory (and what the difference is), whether men and women can truly be friends (and introducing nonbinary/agender people into the question), and have encouraged people to go on dates.
The last few days the channel has been super-busy. No idea why, but the messages have been flying. We’ve pondered what ‘milkshake’ means in the classic R&B song of the same name by Kelis. Boobs? Butt? Je ne sais quois? I’ve always thought it was the first, but I’ve heard people say it’s the second. Never heard the three until today. Other people said it’s what she has within–pretty much the same as the third.
How did we get on this topic? Because it’s been stuck in my head for several days, and I shared that in the channel. I think it was tangentially related to something that was going on in the channel–though I’m not absolutely sure. My brain works in werd ways (which is the whole point of the last ten or so posts), so who knows what connection it made?
Side note: when I was younger, I would write or talk in ways that just assumed others could see the connections I was maknig in my brain. They were so clear to me, I couldn’t understand why they weren’t as clear to other people.
We also talked about dating woes people have had and muffins. Those are not related topics, byway. Oh, and it was muffins and cupcakes. We were discussing the difference between them because someone shared a meme about them. It had something to do with what the actual difference was–was it just the frosting? And then we migrated to talking about did that mean muffins were tops and cupcakes were bottoms? Because muffin tops were a thing.
Then someone, maybe me (definitely me) shared that they thought of miffuns as tops but cupcakes could be switches. Were we talking about it in a sexual way? Yes, we were! Which, of course, meant we had to jake about muffins being slang for specific genitalia. Because that’s how we do. Duh!
We actually got people to get muffins so they could eat them. Actually, it might have been the talk of muffins that led me te mention Milkshake by Kelis. At any rate, the channel is still hopping, and it’s been a solid 48 hours.
I really like being able to dip in and out, having so much to catch up on when I take a peek. I don’t get everything that’s going on, but I get most of it. Some of the memes I don’t understand, but it doesn’t really matter.
The thing is, as fun as it is in there, I do still curate what I say in the group. Again, I don’t know how much more I do it than other people, but there are times when I’m actively gauging what I should say. I’ve typed things in and then erased them because they were too much–at least in my mind.
I know it’s normal and not a bad thing to think before speaking/typing; I jsut don’t know when it’s enough and when it’s too much.
I would still like to find a queer Asian qroup, but I haven’t done anything more than a cursory search. The problem is that the more specific I get, the less likely I’m going to find one. Asian? No problem. Asian in Minnesota? Also no problem. Asian queer in MN? We’re still OK here. Add non-male, nonbinary, agender, and we’re starting to have a problem. Let’s not even mention ENM, though tthat’s probably easier to find that agender.
Side note: I’ve been dozing on and off for the last half hour. Why don’t I just go the fuck to bed? I am like a toddler in that I rail against sleep. I know I’ll actually like it when I can actually sleep–which, these days, is not predictable or for long enough. And the problem is that when I don’t get enough sleep, my filters silp. Then I can’t police myself as well as I need to–which is sad, but true. That I feel the need to constantly police myself, I mean.
All that talk about being real, open, and authentic? Nah, not for me. Or rather, not for anyone around me. There’s a reason whyy neurodivergent people mask, and it’s not just to fit in. At least it’s not for me. It’s also a protective layer for my feelings. I KNOW I’m weird. I KNOW I look at things in an odd way. I KNOW that people react negatively when I let the real me loose. Not because the real me is bad, necessarily, but because the real me is just not of this earth. I’m an alien, and not in a fun and/or cuddly way.
More tomorrow.