I have so much fury that I am constantly reining in. The rage is simmering just below the surface. Or rather, it’s several levels deep because I try not to let it out. But it’s there. I’m very aware it’s there, and ever since my medical crisis, I’ve been struggling to keep it under control. I like to say that the infamous line by the Hulk, “That’s my secret Cap; I’m always angry” as he morphs from Bruce Banner into the Hulk is my tagline.
God. I watched a longer clip than the one I included above, and what a wretched movie that was. That’s the only line I remember or liked. But this one line and the way Bruce Banner smiles wryly before getting serious and transforming has stuck in my head ever since. It just hit me right where I live, and I’ve embraced it ever since.
Side note: Americans aren’t comfortable with anger, especially in women/AFAB people. There’s this eagerness to glide right by it as if it didn’t exist. In tandem, there’s an expectation that if someone wrongs you in any way, you will immediately forgive them as soon as they ask. And, sometimes in some contexts, before they even apologize.
I have my issues with the word forgiveness, which I have gone over several times. As that’s not what the post is about, I’ll move past it with great difficulty. (I don’t believe in forgiveness. That’s the TL;DR version of what I want to say.) I will say that anger was a very useful tool in geeting past some traumas, and I hate the fact that American society wants to deny that.
Thinks.
Debates.
Deep breath.
Let’s it go.
Forgiveness benefits the forgiven/perp, not the forgiver/victim. Especially as the way it’s done in this society and the religious taint associated with the concept. (And, yes, I use the word taint deliberately. Not in the vulgar slang sense, but in the actual meaning of the word. I want the negative meaning to shine through.)
Someone trangresses and confesses (because they got found out). They and/or their church immediately pressure the victim to forgive so ostentible everyone can forget and move on. THis is to the perp’s advantage, by teh way, because they are the ones who want the transgression to be forgotten. I’m talking about high profile transgressors, but it happens in less public occasions as well.
I don’t know when this happened, but there’s been a shift in Christianity that made it the burden of the victim to forgive their transgressor the second the latter asked for forgiveness. I mean, Christianity has always been on the side of the transgressor–
Let’s talk about the second son story which has always chapped my hide. There is a father who has two sons. One of them stays home and faithfully tends the crops and such. The other runs away with his share of the money his father gave him and when he runs out, he comes back with his tail tucked between his legs. His father welcomes him back with open arms and throws a feast for him. If I remember correctly, the older son questions it, and the father gives some kind of inane parable, but seriously. What’s the lesson I learned from this parable? That if you do your job dutifully, you get fucked over.
Yes, I know that the moral is supposed to be that you can always come home and be forgiven, that there’s nothing so bad you can’t be absolved of your sins. That’s not how I ever took that parable, and there are plenty of people who view it the same way I do.
I think the way I took the parable is a meaningful lesson, too, though. Do what is meaningful to you and not just out of a sense of a duty beacuse you won’t be fucking thanked for it. I know that’s not what the parable is supposed to teach, but that’s what I took from it. Being loyal is for chumps and egtes you taken for granted. You got to make them miss you so they’ll kiss you when you return.
Back to forgiveness. Sometime in my thirties, I took the word out of my vocabulary. First because it just made me so angry, but later because it became meaningless. So many people hasten to say that forgiveness does not mean forgetting, so what’s the point? What are they actually saying with “I forgive you”? Some say it’s letting go of the anger. I can fully agree with that as long as it’s not forced, but that’s just letting go of the anger.
To me, forgiveness specifically means saying what happened was ok. Or that you’re letting it go. In musing about this, it’s making me think that’s the part that’s really my sticking point. If it’s not about saying what happened is ok, then why not just say let go of the anger? In looking it up, Merriam-Webster uses condones, pardons, and excuses as synonyms for forgives. I can get with pardons, but not condones or excuses.
Here’s the thing. If someone has done me a grievous or heinous harm, I will NOT excuse it or condone it. Pandon it? Maybe. But the only thing I expect to do is let go of the anger–and that is going to take some time. It should not be demanded of me, especially not by the one who harmed me.
One reason I get so angry at people for asking for forgiveness is because at least from the Christian perspective, it feels as if there’s a hidden (and sometimes, not so hidden) pressure to immediately forgive. And people become aggrieved if the victim doesn’t automaticlly forgive. It’s like, “What’s wrong with you that you can’t forgive this person?” As if that were worse than the original offense.
The pressure to forgive is immense, and it can shortcircuit the healing process. If a victim feels pushed to forgive and isn’t allowed to feel the justifiable anger, then they will not heal. I know that doens’t actually matter to many perps and their enablers, which is another reason I hate the whole forgiveness bullshit.
I know the language I’m using is inflammatory, but it’s because I feel very passionate about this topic. I am so against forced forgiveness, and I don’t see how saying forgive instead of let go of the anger naturally adds anything to the converastion, especially wehn you take it out of the religious context.
I have let go of a lot of the anger of the terrible things that have happened to me. That doesn’t mean that I pardon, condone, or excuse the person(s) who did them to me. That isn’t going to happen in this lifetime.
I know peolpe might say it’s a matter of semantics, but it matters. I’ll write more about it tomorrow.