In yesterday’s post, I was musing about not even considering that I might be autistic. Plus a bunch of other things, too. I was saying how because of the norm being so engrained (and pushed), you can’t even see that there might be something else. Social skills? Of course everyone knows that when someone asks you how you are, you’re supposed to say ‘fine’. That’s just, like, you need to know it by osmosis!
Side note: So many of the things we think are normal or natural really aren’t. I see it on Ask A Manager when someone who was either in retail or in a blue collar job starts working in an office job. So many of the things that the commenters take for normal are questioned–and when you get down to it, there really is a lot of things in the white collar world that don’t make sense.
Things like why is it better to be salaried rather than hourly (in general, it’s not, but it benefits the employer to say it is). Things like what to wear to the office (there was a rousing debate recently as to whether not wearing a bra in the office is unprofessional for women), do you have to join in on after-work activities? (Depends on the office), etc. It’s a lot to think about, and it’s hard because it differs from office to office.
Same with culture in general. Cultural norms in the Midwest is much different than cultural norms in the Northeast, for example. Or New York. In New York, the culture is to be direct and forthright. In Minnesota, it’s to be the exact opposite. There’s a reason what we do is called ‘Minnesota Nice’. It’s because we are so very nice to your face and then tear you apart behind your back. Not really the second part, but the first part is true. Nice to your face regardless of how we feel about you.
When it comes to being neuroatypical, so much of it is couched in negatives. Meaning, that the person who is neuroatypical is deficient in some ways. Not reading social cues is considered a negative. Being obessesd with one thing. Not making eye contact. The stimming.
I mentioned in the last post that I don’t care about things like wearing makeup, fashion, etc. I also don’t care if people care that I don’t care. What I do care about, however, is maknig people feel heard. That’s because of my upbringing, and it’s not something I’ve had success in getting rid of. Mitigating? Somewhat. But also, I’ve learned to not care while performing caring. I mean, I’ve always just been performing caring, but now, I can not care about it as I do it–more so than before.
I’m talkuing about people I don’t know. I care about the people in my life, obviously. I mean people like the cashier at Cubs. People I see on the regular, but are not part of my inner circle. I care about them in the global sense, but not individually, obviously.
They feel I do, however. They pour out their hearts to me. This is something that has happened since I was much younger. I’ve accepted that this is just the way it is. However, it’s one of the reasons that I never considered I might have autism.
I hate crowds. I hate parties. I hate small talk. However, I can do all of that with aplomb. I am charismatic and make people feel like they are the most important person in the world. I can go on autopilot in those situations. Most of the time, I know how to get people to talk about themselves. There was one time I could not get the other person to talk, and that was the worst feeling in the world.
In general, though, I am really good at drawing people out. I take no pride in it because it’s something that was coerced by my mother, but at the same time, I have to acknowledge that it’s something I can do.
What A said about taking the test/quiz without the mask on has really stuck with me. I don’t know if I could take it without masking because the mask is glued to my face now. I can’t imagine being without it, quite honestly. It’s not innate, no, but it’s pretty close to it.
I’m lowkey angry, by the way, that I dismissed being neurodivergent because of how unlike it I seem. Because the thing is that in the back of my mind, I always feel like a fraud/weirdo/outcast.
Even when I am flawlessly performing in public and passing for a normal person (which, again, I can do 98% of the time), there is always that small part of my brain that reminds me that I’m just acting. When I was younger, I felt like such a fraud and that there was somtehnig wrong with me. I used to scorn my father for making people feel like he loved them when he couldn’t care less about them, but I did a version of that myself. I wasn’t as bad because I actually knew that the other person was a real person and wanted them to be well.
I honestly did not think my father realized that other people were not NPCs in his video game–the ones you could avoid or ignore while going merrily along your way. In his mind, other people were only there to be used to your advantage. I did not want to be like him, but unfortunately, I am to some degree.
I really wish I could just be me. But, I don’t even know what that is, really. That’s another thing that is a trait of autism–not really having a core. Some might say easily swayable/manipulated.
I noticed at quite a young age that I had a hard time holding an opinion if someone with a stronger opinion came along. I mean, there are some ideals that I will never waver on (like being pro-choice), but there are others where I can see every side to the issue. That’s not a bad thing in general, but when you can never take a stand, it can be bad.
This has been all over the map and not really as focused as I would like it to be. More tomorrow.