I’m back to talk about being a weirdo. Here was my last post on it. I was listening to MPR on the way to and home from Cubs (I’ve gotten into Lactaid cottage cheese and lentil chips lately), and the topic was on having kids in the current US climate. The hypothesis was that people in their twenties and thirties were much more hesitant to have kids for reasons outside of themselves than in the past. I was interested in this because as someone who does not have children and never wanted them, I feel like society is still very child-heavy in general.
There were a few comments from people on the reasons why they chose not to have kids (or were waffling on them). The two who were played on the show said they were concerned about bringing children into this world. The first, a man, said that he wondered about bringing a daughter into a society that was increasingly limiting choice and the second, a woman, said she could not bring a child into a world that sanctioned genocide.
The section on the way howe was talking with a woman about the shift in society about having children in general. She was in her early thirties (I think) and was seven months pregnant. She said that it felt like society had shifted much more to ‘don’t have children unless you’re absolutely sure you want them/can raise them right’. She said in the past, if you were on the fence, it was more, ‘have them and deal with whatever comes up. It’ll be fine.’
My immediate thought was that the former was the correct way to think and why the hell would you want the latter to be the norm? I have always believed that it’s better to really think about why you want to have children than just to have them because you think you should.
The woman went on to say that in her circle, no one was having children so it was isolating. I’m not discounting any of that because I don’t have any reason to think that’s not true in her circle. However, her broader assertions about society in general made me skeptical. To my eye, it looked like the pressure to have children, especially on young women, was the same as before. Then again, she wasn’t exactly contradicting that–just that people were also expecting that you be in the ideal position to have children.
That I can believe. People are irrational at their core. I could see the mentality being, “Yes, you have to have children, but not until you ________________” (fill in the blank with ‘have been is a loving relationship for five years; enough money to use a day care center/nanny/au pair; have your career in a stable place, etc.”
There are mommy influencers (can’t think of any daddy influencers, really) who apparently do planks a month after their baby is born with a todler on their back and their baby sleeping nearby. The host mentioned this in frustration as a way to point out that a lot of the mommy influencers are, well, unrealistic for normal mothers.
The host and one of the guests talked about how it seems that there are endless articles about how shitty it is to be a parent and endless posts/articles about how great it is, but not many that have a measured and realistic take on parenthood.
I can believe that. Shock sells, and there is no room for nuance on the internet. I’m not even going to say these days because it’s been true forever. People want to take sides or hear absolutes because it’s much more comforting than to actually think about things. I can imagine how frustrating it is as a parent not to have realistic accounts about parenthood, especially the early days. It does seem to be all doom and gloom or angels singing every moment of the day.
About a decade-and-a-half ago, I read an article by a parent (a father) who wanted to get real. This was in a time when the overwhelming majority of thought pieces about parenting were of the ‘it’s a pure joy’ variety. He said that everyone needed to get real about parenting. Yes, there were moments of incredible high, but he said that mostly, it was boredom and tedium. It was an interesting take, and I read the whole thing. He made it seem much more real than all the ‘every minute is a joy’ bullshit that I read elsewhere.
Anyway. On this program, the woman who was saying that it was harder to decide to have children these days, which seems to be true in general. Decisions have to completely validated, I mean. At least online. This is one reason I gave up social media. People just screaming at each other, insisting that their way of doing things is the one true correct way.
I will say that 21.6% of 35 to 39-year-old women are childless. That’s 1 in 5. So, most women in their late thirties have children. The percentage is 38.5% for 30 to 34-year-olds. Childless, I mean. This is from statista.com and is for 2020. Interestingly, these are the stats from 2001 and 2010:
35% of women who were ages 25-29 in 2001 were childless, a figure that fell to about 24% by the time they were ages 30-34, about 17% by 35-39, and eventually to about 15%. For women who were 27 years old in 2010, about 48% were childless, which fell to 29% by the time those women were ages 30-34, and 20% by the time (now) that they are 35-39 years of age.
I found this at IFS. Here’s the link to that quote. So while the rise of childlessnes occurred from 2001 to 2010 and for ages up to 34 in 2020, it’s pretty similar for 35 to 39 with an increase of 1.6%. I don’t know how statistically significant that is.
My point is that my gut was that it seemed like people were still having children at a steady rate. I wasn’t wrong. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t valid issues about struggling with the decision or feeling alone in making the decision. It just means that once again, I need to shut my mouth because no one wants to hear from the person who does not have children and never wanted them. Ever.