In yesterday’s post, I talked about things that unwittingly push my buttons. Or rather, wittingly, but seemingly randomly. I know what it is, though. It’s me being understanding all over the place and not getting it in return. With every subject, I am in the invisible/ignored category. With race, it’s because I’m Asian. With sexuality, it’s because I’m bi.
By the way, that’s the default term I use to define my sexuality. I chose it thirty years ago, and it’s mostly been fine for me. If I had to use a word to dsecribe all my labels, it’s ‘fine’. FINE. Everything is fine, but none of it feels good. Taiwanese American is more than fine because it’s what I am. There is little wiggle room on that. Or rather, I could just call myself American, but in this case, I do feel like the second word is needed to explain more about me.
With my sexual identity, though, I would prefer just to call myself sexual if it didn’t sound so insufferably smug. It’s like the No Labels guys when they declared that was their new group. Just, ugh. I also don’t like all the hyperspecific labels like demisexual and sapiosexual. I tend to be the latter when I’m looking for a partner, but I am also a ‘fuck ’em and go’ person. I am good at sex. I am not as good at relationships, and it’s something I don’t want to work on.
By the way, dying twice has taught me that lesson. I have flaws. We all do. I have accepted the ones I don’t want to change or am not willing to change. I am a terrible partner for many reasons (much like I would have been a terrible parent. I was very much fine with that–still am), and I do not want to put in the effort to improve because I like being alone. Me and my cat, Shadow, I mean. I like not having to answer to someone else. I like the freedom to eat cereal at three in the morning if that’s what I wanted to do.
I have seen the compromises my friends have made to be in marriages/relationships. I don’t want to make them. I think it’s because I’m so used to being the person other people want me to be in relationships that I just don’t have it in me to do that for long periods of time. It’s the same as bras. Bear with me. Apparently, a female-presenting person going without a bra is still considered unprofessional (at work) by a big portion of women. Not men, but women. Women are often the worst upholders of toxic patriarchy. There are many reasons for this and it’s not part of the post, but my point is that nope. Not doing it. Not bras and not relationships.
I like sex with men. A lot. I like sex with women. Quite a bit. Not as much, but still quite a bit. I do not like being in a romantic relationship with a man. With a woman? I’ve only had one, and that was just as problematic. This was before I realized that there weren’t only two genders, btw.
Friendship-wise, I get along with people of all genders equally well. It’s weird to me when people say they treat people differently based on the gender of that person, but I accept that they do. I mean, I have no reason to think they lie about it; I just don’t get it.
I was reading a comment on Ask A Manager by someone who cited all the ways she wasn’t traditionally feminine, but she said being a woman was so deeply embedded in who she was. Finnish, by the way. Which, I get that. I can understand why people feel their gender deeply. What I didn’t understand was the next thing she wrote–that she couldn’t understand how other people didn’t feel the same way.
But, again, this is what being in the majority does for you. Most people feel their gender is just what it is. Wthere cis or trans, binary or nonbinary. Most people FEEL their gender. I understand that, but I have never felt it. Which was why I felt so validated by all the women in a post at AAM (not that same one, I don’t think. Not sure) said that they were women, but it didn’t really matter to them. Like, they weren’t uncomfortable with ‘woman’ as a label, but they weren’t invested in it, either.
I’m on the other side of that.I would prefer not to be labeled a woman, but I’m not going to fuss about it. Because I have nothing to replace it with, I mean. My Taiji teacher thoughtfully asked if I wanted her to call me ‘they/them’ instead. Nope. Nor the neopronouns. Just my name, but that’s weird.
Is it reactive? Yes. After decades of being told I’m womanning wrong, I finally threw up my hands and said, “Fine. If I’m doing it wrong, then I’ll just be something else.” I have never felt strongly about my gender. There’s never been anything in me that says, “I am woman. Here me roar!” I only know that I am not a man. Otehr than that, I don’t much care. I have spent a lot of time pondering if I would be more amenable to being called a woman if there weren’t so many restrictions to what a woman can and cannot be.
It’s an age-old question, but gender does not exist in a vacuum. If there was no sexism and men and women were treated equally, well, then we would be in a completely diffeernt world. That’s what pisses me off when people try to flip genders in a situation. Most of the time, they don’t also flip the whole societal structure around gender, so it’s a strawman.
I once had a guy ask me snarkily if I would be willing to be drafted when I brought up gender equality. I said if it meant that _______ and listed a dozen really sexist things didn’t happen, such as me being able to walk alone at night, not being judged for what I wore, and getting paid the same amount of money for the same job, then, yes, I would be fine with being able to be conscripted. He did not like that answer, one bit, but he wasn’t arguing in good faith, either.
Another time, a man I was talking to about diversity in books (this was back in college, so early nineties), and I mentioned that I was only reading Asian women at the time (in a deliberate attempt to make up for all the years I didn’t know they existed). He gave me shit for it and said it was as racist/sexist as saying you were only reading white men. I looked at him and said, “I guarantee that I have read more dead white men than you’ve read women of color.” He had nothing to say to that because what could he say?
I’m really glad that gender has gone from binary to a spectrum, but I just wish that people would acklowledge it past nonbinary and genderfluid. I know that’s asking too much, though. People can barely deal with nonbinary.