In yesterday’s post, I talked about things that unwittingly push my buttons. Or rather, wittingly, but seemingly randomly. I know what it is, though. It’s me being understanding all over the place and not getting it in return. With every subject, I am in the invisible/ignored category. With race, it’s because I’m Asian. With sexuality, it’s because I’m bi.
By the way, that’s the default term I use to define my sexuality. I chose it thirty years ago, and it’s mostly been fine for me. If I had to use a word to dsecribe all my labels, it’s ‘fine’. FINE. Everything is fine, but none of it feels good. Taiwanese American is more than fine because it’s what I am. There is little wiggle room on that. Or rather, I could just call myself American, but in this case, I do feel like the second word is needed to explain more about me.
With my sexual identity, though, I would prefer just to call myself sexual if it didn’t sound so insufferably smug. It’s like the No Labels guys when they declared that was their new group. Just, ugh. I also don’t like all the hyperspecific labels like demisexual and sapiosexual. I tend to be the latter when I’m looking for a partner, but I am also a ‘fuck ’em and go’ person. I am good at sex. I am not as good at relationships, and it’s something I don’t want to work on.
By the way, dying twice has taught me that lesson. I have flaws. We all do. I have accepted the ones I don’t want to change or am not willing to change. I am a terrible partner for many reasons (much like I would have been a terrible parent. I was very much fine with that–still am), and I do not want to put in the effort to improve because I like being alone. Me and my cat, Shadow, I mean. I like not having to answer to someone else. I like the freedom to eat cereal at three in the morning if that’s what I wanted to do.
I have seen the compromises my friends have made to be in marriages/relationships. I don’t want to make them. I think it’s because I’m so used to being the person other people want me to be in relationships that I just don’t have it in me to do that for long periods of time. It’s the same as bras. Bear with me. Apparently, a female-presenting person going without a bra is still considered unprofessional (at work) by a big portion of women. Not men, but women. Women are often the worst upholders of toxic patriarchy. There are many reasons for this and it’s not part of the post, but my point is that nope. Not doing it. Not bras and not relationships.
I like sex with men. A lot. I like sex with women. Quite a bit. Not as much, but still quite a bit. I do not like being in a romantic relationship with a man. With a woman? I’ve only had one, and that was just as problematic. This was before I realized that there weren’t only two genders, btw.