Yes, I’m back to talk more about labels. It’s still bothering me, and I need to write about it until I get it out of get it out of my system. It may take some time because I’m mad and gonna stay mad. I mean, I’m going to be mad for a long time because we have nearly three more years of this bullshit, and we’ll be dealing with it probably until I permanently die. It’s not going to be easy to cleanup the mess, if we can do it at all. Yes, I’m afraid this president might bring the fall of this country. Honestly, that might be preferably to what remains afterwards. Here is my post from yessterday since this is a continuation of that. Somewhat.
Every time I check the nnews, there is just more atrocities that this president is committing. Him and his whole team. I can’t even celebrate what feels like it should be a win (Noem getting canned) because I know it just means someone worse in coming in.
I also can’t trust anything this president or his team says. Like the fact that they are using ICE officers in the airport. Theyi’re not there to deport anyone, they claim, but just to help TSA. Everyone say it with me, “Riiiiiiiiiiiight.”
Look. I am not naive. It’s not like I completely trust any president–not even Obama, who I consider to be the best president in my lifetime. I know they are politicians who will say or do whatever they can to hold onto their power. Even if I believed that they believed what they were saying and doing, you had to have more than a healthy ego to be president. You just do. In order to think you were whatever enough to lead one of the most powerful countries in the world, you had to be very confident, to say the least.
Back to labels. I am at the point where I think I’m ready to give them all up. I mean, I have been for decades, but it’s more in protest this time.
This is where I get caught up, though. Because I know how important it is to fight for rights as a minority. I know that deemphasizing labels if not done in a thoughtful way only hurt those who were already marginalized. I know that we have to speak up for all our kinfolk, even if they are not our skinfolk.
I know all this, and yet, I just want to say, “Fuck it.” I am tired of fighting the same goddamn fight I’ve been fighting since I was in my twenties. Yes, we made progress, but then we have slid so far back again. A part of me is like, “Why the fuck does it even matter?” But then I remember how Minneapolitans stood up to the federal government–and won.
But then I feel the PTSD in my body, and I wonder if it was worth it. Or rather, I wonder how long it will take to heal from it. Or if we will. Because, yes, Minneapolis won that fight, but it can at a very heavy cost. So heany and steep. And, yes, the federal government is still poking at Minneapolis any way it can.
It’s a horror show right now, and it’s not going to end any time soon.
But, and I say this with great difficulty, that’s not the main part of this post. It’s whether labels are useful or not. I tend to not like them because I feel they are limiting and constraining rather than helpful. That’s because I have felt so constrained by them all my life. Every time I choose a new label, I’m dissatisfied. I end up choosing a label that is the least worst rather than the one that is the most apt.
Take bisexual/bi. I have often joked that I would rather just say I was sexual, but that would be misconstrued. It’s true, though. I don’t like bisexual, pansexual, or omisexual. I prefer queer, but most people think that means gay. Sigh. tJust as PoC means black. We live in such a binary world (in America), and I don’t think it’s going to change any time soon. Oh, and genderqueer, which is my preferred term? That means nonbinary.
This is my main issue with labels–I can’t find any that truly feel right and that haven’t been used to mean something other than what I am. So I use them begrudgingly and almost in protest. I know they are necessary, but I don’t like having to use them. Also, people impart their own meanings into the labels, which is normal, of course. We all imbue words with meaning, but it’s frustrating when those meanings are warped beyond recognition. Or when they are so rigid, they can’t actually fit anyone other than the smallest portion of people.
I feel like I can’t breathe when people put me in a box. I want to scream and rail, and I will fight anyone who tries to tell me who I can and can’t be. Or not. As I said earlier, I’m so tired. So very tired. And I don’t want to have these conversations again and again. I feel like I’ve been having the same debate since I was in my twenties, and I am fucking sick of it. Take your gender roles and shove them wheere the sun doesn’t shine. All of them. Every single goddamn one. I hate everything about it so much. I don’t want to talk about it any longer. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to be me and not have to think of gender ever again.
Big note: That’s just for me. That’s how I feel about my own (lack of) gender. I just don’t give a shit, and it makes me so fucking mad that I have to give it more than a passing thought because this country (and world, really, but I’m mostly speaking of my country right now) just fucking blows when it comes to sexism right now. This president is trying to draaaaaaaaaaaag us back into the last century if not the one before, and I just cannot.
More tomorrow.