I have one last (ha) post about labels in me. The ha is beacuse I have way more than that in me, but that’s what I’m going to limit myself to fro now*. I’m so tired of talking about labels, but I feel I have to as long as they have such an outsized effect on on society and what happens to marginalized people.
Side note: I’m playing a demo, a walking sim/graphic novel/something along that line, and it asked me for my gender. I sighed in hopelessness because I have never–wait, what? I can put in my own pronouns? And I can just put in my name (my character name–mulan rogue. I always use that name as my character name), mulan when need be? The only one that tripped me up was possessive because it’s not an easy one to get around. I mean possessive as in “Dana said the house was _____ (hers, yours, his, theirs). I just put a period. Or maybe I just put ‘mulan’ again. Plus Mx. for a honorific. I considered not putting any (which I assume you could also do), but I like Mx. as a honorific. I mean like as in I would actually choose it, and not reluctantly.
Of course, it’s not used very much and most people don’t seem to like it. Story of my life, really. Me choosing the thing that people don’t like. Or being a part of a group that is most overlooked. I wish I was doing it on purpsoe because then it wouldn’t frustrate me as much–or at all. Instead, I just sigh quietly to myself–or not so quietly because I live alone–and just go about my day.
I have tried all my life to find labels that I didn’t hate with all my heart. I mean, at first I wanted to find labels that actually described me, but I tamped down my expectations after struggling for so many years. I just gave up on even trying after a while. It was less frustration, that way, believe me. Except bisexual/bi. That one still annoys me enough that I revisit it now and again.
I keep thinking I can find a better term, but I can’t. I would love to just leave it at ‘queer’, but as I have said, that’s been taken to mean gay. Yes, I could explain every time I used it that I hdidn’t mean gay, but that’s not something I want to do. I really dislike pansexual (common) and omnisexual (not common). I can’t think of anything else, sadly, so I reluctantly keep bi. I use it to mean those like me and those not like me. I have said that I would just like to use ‘sexual’, but we all know that would not work out well. At all.
I use bi rather than bisexual because, well, it’s just easier to say, really. Only two letters. Plus, I don’t want the focus to be on the sexual as it encompasses more than that. This in fact is one of the issues with any of the words–too many straight people focus on the ‘sexual’ part. WAY too many. To be fair, though, that’s on them. Heterosexpal also has the word ‘sexual’ in it, but no one takes it to mean that it’s only about who you fuck.
I know it’s just a dream world to think that if we found a word that could say what I wanted it to say and it did not include ‘sexual’ in it, straight people would still find a way to hate on it. We could call it ‘happy cuddly times with friends’, and it would still set them off.
That’s why if I culd find a label that I liked, I would snatch it up no matter what. But I don’t know how to find one that basically means I’ll fuck whomever I please whenever I want and however I want with no regards to gender. A word more polite than ‘ho’ at any rate.
I have heard demisexual that means forming a sexual attraction to someone after first establishing a strong emotional connection. That’s how I work when I’m looking for a relationship, but when i just want to fuck–it’s about physical attraction. I really don’t have any rules as long as it’s between enthusiastically consenting adults. There’s only one demographic I categorically will not date–and I’ll leave it to you to guess what that group is.
I have thought about going on the apps again *glances nervously around because that did not end well the last two times I thought that*.
When my brother started dating again after his divorce, I checked out the apps as he did, out of curiosity. I was pleasantly surprised by OKCupid in that it had so many different gender identities as well as several sexual orientations, too. It made me feel good to realize that we were making progress. (This was in 2021? 2022? I think 2022, but my memory is fuzzy these days.) Of course, we are rapidly going backwards once again, which is making me feel dispirited.
One of the reasons I don’t do it is because I don’t know how to describe myself any longer. I mean, I can give the labels that I have handy, but they just don’t seem to fit me any longer. I don’t want to go no labels, either though, because that has a really bad connotation within the community.
But I don’t want to use any of the labels, either. The older I get, the more I just can’t with that bullshit. I realize that the world is still heavily invested in gender roles and blah, blah, blah. I really wish it weren’t, but there’s not much I can do about it.
It’s just really discouraging to think about how I’ve fought this fight for thirty years, and in some ways, we are worse off than we were before. I try to tell myself that we’ve made progress, and even with the sliding back, we’re further along than we were before. I mean, people at least know that there are more than two genders (well, some people. And, yeah, many people rail against it. I’m really not helping myself feel better now).
And, yes, marriage equality is still a law–for now. They are working hard to repeal that, by the way. Because of course they are.
Here’s the thing. If by some miracle, we make it through the next two-and-a-half years and by another bigger miracle the Dems take back the federal government, I want there to be hell to pay. None of this uniting the country bullshit. No, “But think of the poor far right people”, either. None. Of. That.
More tomorro.w
*Probably.