I am incapable of not criticizing things. At least in my head if not out loud. This is the legacy of an anxious mother, but it’s also because I am very nitpicky about generalizations. I like things to be as specific and truthful as possible. It makes me seem contrary because I will argue both sides of the same issue. Not out of orneriness, but becuse it upsets my brain to let an untruth stand*. It physically hurts my brain in a way I can’t really explain.
It’s one reason I keep on explaining shit past the point where I should stop. I know when I’ve lost my audience. I can tell by the look in their eyes or the drop of their shoulders. But my brain is still hurting, and I need it to be balanced.
So, yeah. I’m doing it for me rather than the other person. But at the same time, I do believe in what I’m saying. I’m not saying it just to be a jerk. In fact, that’s why I often don’t actually say it–because I know how it sounds.
I was talking to a friend on the RKG Discord (Direct Messages) about how I have just given up talking about Lies of P in that channel. Why? Because everyone adores the game and thinks it’s the best soulslike ever. People gush about it and the worst thing anyone says about it is that it’s too From-like.
Back when it came out, reviewers raved about it. Almost everyone gave it a 10 or close to it. I was boggled by it because while it’s very polished and a decent soulslike, I had a much dimmer view of it than other people did. Oh, I should say a few people in the Discord did have a few gripes that I had about it, but nothing close to how I felt about it.
The video I’ve included in this post is the review by Zoe from Eurogamer. She gave it a 3 out of 5–which is roughly what I’d give it. And as she had to point out in other videos, that’s still a good number. No, it’s not a 10, but it’s still decent.
I’m not going to recount my issues with the game because I’ve done tons of posts about that game already.
My point is that I realized pretty quickly that while no one actually tried to shut down my opinion, it was clearly dismissed as being wrong. Part of the problem with persistent isms is that it’s hard to show the people in the majority the absence of what they experience–or the opposite. I can explain until I’m blue in the face how the system they so love is such a detriment to me. I can’t ‘git gud’ because it’s above my actual abilities.
I literally cannot ‘git gud’ in the way this game demands. I cannot parry. This is not a will not situation, which I tried to explain to someone who was persistent in trying to push me to get into the PvP of the Souls games. He said that I could take the time I took to learn the PvE and apply it to the PvP. Nope. They are different abilities. I can cheese my way around my deficiencies in the Souls games/Elden Ring in a way that I would not be able to with another player. I simply cannot. And it’s ableist to insist that I could.
Back to the main point. I gave up trying to explain my point of view because the people in the Discord are not disabled (at least not in the way I am) and could not fathom not being able to get the parry. It happened with Sekiro as well–which is my least-favorite From game, by the way.
I have thought for a few months about leaving the Discord because I have to bite my tongue (or sit on my fingers) so often. Every time a subject comes up that I’m on the other side of, I know that I have to weigh actually bringing up my opinion/viewpoint and just letting it whistle on by. That’s my life in general, but I don’t want to be in a community where this becomes more and more necessary.
I want to emphasize that almost everyone in the Discord is a great person. Individually. Actually, even as a group, they are good people. We don’t have moderators, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s a good thing because people are more prone to keep each other on track. It’s a bad thing because that means that the loudest voices prevail. And it’s probably a surprise to no one that they are cis het white men. That’s not a surprise in and of itself because of course the majority of people who follow a gaming content creator are in that demo. And it’s definitely not a surprise that they think they are the norm.
It’s also no surprise that I, an AFAB (and assumed female) Asian American bisexual person who is ancient in gaming years would be ignored/dismissed. They do not mean to do it. It’s not malicious. It still doesn’t feel good. I mean, being invisible never feels good. I’m not asking them to agree with me beacuse I know my opinion is in the minority. As always!
And I…am just tired. I’m tired of being the freak. Again, I’m not asking for agreement, but just acknowledgement that their opinion is not the be-all/end-all. I’m asking for the bare minimum–just the ability to look outside oneself. But nope. That’s not going to happen. I don’t know why I expected it would.
Side note: A few decades ago, I had a friend tell me that I was an optimist. I was indignant because I was a realist! Perhaps even a cynic. An optimist? HELL no! He calmly explained that even after all I’d been through, I still expected people to do the right thing. Then, when they didn’t react in the right way, I was disappointed. That’s what made me an optimist in his eyes.
I opened my mouth to vehemently disagree, then I shut it without saying anything. Because you know what? He was right. And I was mad at him for it.
Several decades later, it’s still true. I still hope for people to be better than they are–though I don’t expect it. Progress?
*There are exceptions to that .I have no problem telling my mom that I am fine no matter what, for example. But I don’t really consider that a lie. There’s a phrase that I think Captain Awkward coined. “Reasons are for reasonable people” or something like that. In other words, if you react unreasonably consistently over time, you lose the right to be given reasons for things that are happening.