I’ve done several posts about what it would take to get me off my couch and actually date/fuck someone. The last post derailed hard into ‘dysfunctional family’ territory, but I’m not sorry about that. Family is important. Not in a ‘but faaaaamily!’ way, but because the scars you collect in your childhood can carry out all through your life. There’s a saying that of course your parents know how to push your buttons because they were the ones who installed them.
Growing up, your family is your norm. What happens in your house is what you think happens everywhere. That’s not because of dysfunction, but because that’s just human nature. If it’s the only thing you’ve known all your life, of course you’re going to assume that’s what everyone goes through.
So. If your mother is a workaholic who always puts you last, for example, then you’ll probably date someone who treats you similarly. Even if you realize it’s not optimal; it’s comfortable.
In my case, it’s the push/pull that is my norm. I am so used to my parents alternating between smothering me and not even acknowledging what I existed. I don’t know what I would do with someone who loved me and treated me well, but also gave me space when I needed it. Someone who was attentive without being demanding. I still don’t know that what looks like. Eevn in my friendships, I prefer a distance that most people would probably find uncomfortable. i love chatting with Ian throughout the day, but I don’t need much more than that. I message with Kathleen once every other week or so, and we talk once a month on the phone for hours. I see my Taiji teacher on Zoom once a week and in person for an hour private lesson overy other week. I should add another Zoom class to my schedule.
So.
11. Understand that I vacillate between clingy and aloof. This is not something I’m proud of, andI have worked on it in therapy. However, at this point in my life, I recognize that I’m not going to significantly change. If I’m going to date somenoe(s), they need to understand that I’m like that. I’m moody. I can keep much of the snappishness to myself, but it is going to come out now and again.
Some people like to claim that there is no such thing as being needy. I disagree. There are times when I feel as if there’s a hunger deep inside me that can never be satiated. It’s how I am with anger as well. I try to keep it under wraps, but there are times when it just has to come out. Usually, it’s when I play video games and am screaming at a particualrly difficult boss.
I try not to let it flow around other people , but it’s not easy. There are times when my temples start throbbing and a misty haze envelops me. When this happens, I try to calm myself–and it usually works. But once in a while, I can’t pull back and I just let it out.
12. I’m still being cautious about Covid. I know most everyone else is over it and has moved on. I understand that for many people, they have to move on their lives for logical and/or emotional reasons.
For me, however, I have been careful because everytime I’ve gone somewhere with a lot of people*, I have ended up sick. The first time, I got non-COVID-related walking pneumonia that led to my medical crisis. I’m fairly certain I got the pneumonia from Target, and the next two times I’ve gone there, I’ve gotten a cold.
13. I’m an artistic type who is a libertarian with a very small l. Fuck the Libertarian Party. I have to say that because I do not want to be associated with them at all. But, in terms of being a libertarian, I am in the sense that I support people living life the way they want to live it–with a few caveats. One, they don’t impinge on others. Two, they don’t take away from the society in general (constantly, I mean. Not just temporarily). But, if it’s consensual, then have at it!
14. I’m lazy. I don’t like to leave the house if I don’t have to. I just went to get Thai food, which was a necessity, but that was less than three minutes away (by car). I like to live in my little world, living my little life, and snuggling with my (not-so-little) cat. He is on my legs right now, taking a little snooze.
I don’t like beng put out. My brother does ten million things a day. Right now, he’s in Vegas for a RE/MAX thing and probably loving every minute of it. He’s currently doing the dating apps, and I get tired just hearing about how much he’s swiping…left? Right? Both, probably.
I admire him and his can-do atttitude. I’ve told him this many times. He will plan something and just do it. If it doesn’t work out, then he shrugs, sets it aside, and moves onto the next thing. This is both good and bad, but he gets way more done than I do on the average.
We were talking about family holidays (as adults) and how we approach them so differently. I like to do one or two things a day, carefully planned. My brother, on the other hand , will cram every minute with something to do. When we were in Taiwan, he was the one who wanted to go to the night market after we had a full day. The best compromise was that I went to my room at ten or so, and then he and my niece went off wandering. I needed my alone time, and I was not getting it if I did not insist.
15. I really, really, REALLY prefer to be alone. I cannot emphasize this enough. I like my space. I like to be in my own head. I like to get lost in my thoughts. This plus the last point makes it difficult for me to actually want to date. I’m done with this for now. More later.
*Target. I’m talking about Target.