In my last post, I continued telling you who I am. I’m going to go on even further. Let’s just jump right in.
10. My family is deeply dysfunctional. You will not meet my family. Well, rather, you will not meet my parents. You might get to meet my brother, but that’s it. I can only deal with my parents on a very superficial level and very sparingly. Which means once every three weeks or so, we talk for a stilted half hour. I try to keep as much to myself as possible and be civil to my parents. That’s it. Nothing more.
My parents have met very few of my past partners. There is a reason for that. My mother is able to be pleasant to strangers and make reasonable conversation. If it was just her on her own, I would be fine with it. But my father is a piece of work who cannot relate to anyone. He doesn’t care about other people, and he would not be happy with anyone I dated. The very narrow exception might be a Taiwanese man who was very traditional, but who did not challenge him in any way. Which,
I mean, no thank you.
There was a letter to Dear Prudence from a woman who claimed she came from a very loving family. Her fiance, Mark, whom she’d been with for four years was loving, kind, caring, etc. But, he was cut off from his family beacuse his father, a raging alcoholic, abused Mark and his mother. Mark’s younger sister escaped abuse because she was the favored child. The abuse was so bad, Mark’s father put him in the hospital twice. While the mother did nothing. The grandparents knew what was going on, but did not step in other than to let Mark stay with them once in a wihle.
The mother and sister had contacted Mark on social media and wanted him back in their lives. He showed his fiancee the messages, saying, “Can you believe they wrote this?” She thought the messages were heartfelt and wanted him to reconcile. Not with the father–she was magnaminous to grant him that much, but with the mother and sister. The mother was a victim, too! The sister was not involved at all! He didn’t even know if his grandparents were still alive!
She also added that her very loving parents tried to prod as to why he didn’t want hisfamily there and he said they were dead to him which horrified her parents. The letter writer was troubled and said it seemed brutal to her that he refused to even consider mending fences with his mother and sister. Even though he told her that his therapist said it was btetter for him not to have his family in his life.
The new-ish Prudie who is very ‘but faaaaaambly’ agreed it was troublesome but the LW had to stop interfering. What a trash response! Thankfully, the commentariat was up to the task and grilled the LW to a nice crisp. She asked if it was a red flag, and so many of the commenters said it was a red flag…for Mark. There were a few comments agreeing it spoke poorly of Mark that he ‘casually’ decided to cut off his family or try to justify why he should at least be in contact with his sister, but they got quickly shot down.
Here’s the thing. Kids stick by their parents through thick and thin. Even abused kids are reluctant to give up on their parents. So anyone who has reached the point of cutting off contact with their parents is uasally at the end of their rope. It’s not a decision most people make lightly or without thinking about the consequences. But if being in conact with your parents hurts more than walking away, then that’s what you have to do.
A few of the people in the comments said that they would be happy when their abuser died. Or relieved. I can totally relate to that. I don’t think I’ll be happy, but I will be relieved. Having to deal with my parents is draining. Even though I only talk to them every two or three weeks for twenty minutes to half an hour, ti’s brings up all the negativity from the past.
Another commenter said that it would be better for Mark if he were able to let go of the anger and be dispassionate about his parents. Someone rightfully asked why. This has been a sticking point for me for many years. I don’t belive in forgiveness, at least not the way Christians like to push it. Why? Because there’s no accountability on the part of the abuser. It’s just, oh, forgive them and…profit???? It’s about not rocking the boat and maknig things comfortable for everyone around you.
I don’t necessarily disagree that it’s better to let go of the raging anger at some point (though not necessarily the anger in general), but I don’t think you have to forgive shit to get there. What does forgive mean, anyway? To me it’s saying that it’s ok what happened. It’s never going to be ok. The last guy I mentioned talked about closure which is bullshit. Cutting someone off may be the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Not having that toxicity in your life IS a kind of closure.
Forgive is a meaningless word to me. I will never say abuse is ok. The last guy also said at some point you can have compassion for your absuer (because they went through something terrible). Nope. There’s no excuse for abuse. There are plenty of us who have been abused who don’t go on to abuse others. Also, why is there more demand for compassion for the abuser than the abused? I also want to ask if someone murdered your child (presuming you love your child), how would you feel if someone demanded you felt some kind of way about it?
If someone wants to forgive the person who abuses them–that’s on them. THey get to decide. But on the flip side, they also get to decide, nah, that’s not for me. This guy is particular was pushing it because it felt better FOR HIM even though he purportedly said he wanted it for Mark. But he was the one who felt uncomfortable with the purported ‘seething hatred’ that he made up Mark as feeling. It’s funny because the LW didn’t even say that–she said the look af anger and contempt in Mark’s eyes unsettled her. The commenter was the one who turned that into seething hatred. And, as someone pointed out, seething hatred for the person who put you in the hospital twice and the person who excused it repeatedly is valid, too.
Well. that ran away from me. My point being that I know my family better than any rando I might be dating. If they can’t respect that I know what’s best for me, then they cannot get with me at all.
Well, that ran away with me again as is my wont. I’m ending this here and I’ll pick it up again tomorrow. Or not. We’ll see how I feel.