In my last post, I started a list of who I am. In this point, I am going to continue with what you need to know about me if you want to get with me. I’m old. I’m set in my ways. I am not going to make any major changes soon. So. Let’s continue with the list.
5. I love my cat, Shadow, more than anything. He is my everything, and I love him with all my heart.I adopted him and his brother, Raven, when they were 9 months old. This was 16 years ago, and he is nearly 17. I was allergic to cats, but I loved them. I was allergic to everything, so I decided I might as well be happy while allergic. I knew that I wanted two cats and that I wanted them to be black. I looked at hundreds of cats (broke my heart) and noticed that these two were going to be at the local PetCo the next day. Or PetSmart. One of the two.
Raven’s bio (named Midnight) read that he was outgoing and energetic. He was good with dogs and had a small issue with the litter box (bigger issue than revealed). Shadow’s said that he was psychic and knew that I wanted two cats. They were a bonded pair and had to go together. I fell in love with Shadow’s bio and went to the store the next day.
When I got there, there was only one cat. A very unhappy Midnight. I asked their foster mom rather accusingly where Shadow was. She said that she had put Midnight in the carrier first, which was a big mistake because Shadow ran off. She could not find him and decided to leave him at home. No one had looked at the boys in all the pet adoptions she had brought them to and she had decided that she was going to adopt them after this one. She already had something like 14 cats and 3 dogs.
She put Midnight in my arms and while he was unhappy, he did not protest. We went around the store so I could pick out all the things I would need. We set up a time for me to go to her house to get Shadow, and we decided that Midnight would go home with her. When I went to get them, Shadow ran off and disappeared. It took us half an hour to find him. When I brought them home, I put them in the dining room and closed both sliding doors. I had a box in there, which Shadow made a beeline for. Raven was ready to leave the room and explore in half an hour, but I kept them in overnight.
The next day, I could only find Raven. He was meowing at me and wanting me to follow him downstairs. When we got there, he stood staring at the dividing wall and meowing. I went to the other side and found Shadow behind some boxes.
He is my miracle cat. He had a major health issue ten years ago, and he was not supposed to survive. The vet told me that it would take a miracle for him to reach the number he needed to get to by the end of the day. I was numb the whole day as I waited for the call. When it came, I braced myself for the inevitable words, “It’s time to let him go.” Instead, I got the jubliant, “It’s a miracle! He reached the number.” I was able to take him home that day and did not have to do anything special. Raven accepted him back after a week of being gone without a murmur.
We have been through so much together. He is my loyal companion and anyone who can’t respect that cannot get with me.
6. I have my damage that causes me to act in ways that aren’t gerat. This is true for everyone, of course, but I’m unusual in that I know most of my flaws. I may not be able to deal with them healthily at all times, but I know what they are. I am clingy and withdrawn in equal measures. I am empathetic, but I don’t really mean it. Or rather, I know what others are feeling and feel it myself, but…it’s really hard to explain. I’m impatient and sarcastic, but I’m also generous and loving.
I’d rather spend my time alone with my cat than with other people. There are very few people I want around me, and it’d take a lot for me to actually want to date someone. I can amuse myself in a million ways and find other people tedious at best Not all people, of course. I have my people, but they are few and far between.
7. ENM, but it’s complicated. So, I do not want to be in a long-term monogamous relationship. I do not want to live with someone. On the other hand, I’m not sure I have the energy for multiple partners, either. One is hard enough. I’ve done ‘just sex’ nonmonogamy before, but not to my benefit, sadly. When I tried to exercise my ability to sex up someone outside the relationship (and, need I remind, I was not the one who wanted it in the first place), my boyfriend at the time freaked out. I was not actually supposed to get fucked by someone else–I was supposed to sit home, pining for him, as he got his jollies elsewhere.
8. I’m very complex. This is related to the prior number, but not limited to just relationships. Since I see thing on several levels, I hold a multitude of differeing ideas. Again, you could say this was everyone, but mine is nearly incomprehensible to others.
I can tell pretty quickly when someone can’t understand what I’m saying. I wasted too much time trying to explain things better. It took me until I was in my thirties to realize with the aid of my then-therapist that it wasn’t a question of me finding the right words. What I was saying was literally over the other person’s head. Once I truly grasped that, it was a sense of relief to be able to put down that burden. I could not make someone understand what I was trying to say, so I could just let it go.
This, by the way, includes my parents. They can’t understand anything about me, so I no longer try. If I can just think of them as an old man and an old woman who aren’t related to me, ironically, this is better than trying to connect to them as my parents. Does it sound sad and a tad condescending? Yes. Does it make it easier to deal with them? Also yes.
It’s tho same with normies. I don’t expect anything more from them than what they can give. The problem with that, of course, is that if I want to date someone/have sex with them, I want to be able to talk to them at least superficially. If you’re going to share my bed, I would like to be able to share at least part of my mind as well.
9. I am always, and I mean always, going to root for the underdog. This is me at my most obnoxious, and I know it. But I am 99% of the time going to take the side of the oppressed, the downtrodden, and the ones who need a hand up. This is a good thing–within limits. But it touches on my oppositional nature and my disdain for authority. Fuck the man. No seriously. Fuck him, capitalism, and any kind of hegemony. That’s where I’m ending it for the day. I’ll probably pick it back up tomorrow.