I’ve decided that I want to do ten posts about this topic, so three to go. Why? Because. This is one way my neurodivergent brain works, by the way. It insists on making patterns when there aren’t any. I know that’s normal to some extent with everyone, but my brain does it to a bothersome degree. I know it’s going to happen at some point, but I’m powerless to stop it. It’s easier to go with it and let it wear itself out–or not. Some of my obsessions continue whereas others are left in the dust.
One thing I’m working on is being not ashamed about the weird way my brain works. Look. I know I’m a freak. I’ve known it since I was a kid, even if I could not articulate it. It’s interesting. There is someone in the Discord I’m in who is clearly neurodivergent and not at all interested in masking. Yes, it’s a ‘he’, which is significant. He has upset/offended several people in the Discord, including me because of the way he’s phrased things.
He likes to state his opinion as if it’s fact, and many of them are inflammatory. I’m not against it, but I also think that you should have some care as to the feelings of other people. It’s hard for me to say because I’m too much to the other side. As an AFAB, I was taught to always care about other people’s feelings first. That’s not good, either, but I do think there needs to be a balance.
It’s frustrating because this person, let’s call him Jack, makes me want to defend him on some occasions, not because I necessarily agree with his viewpoint, but because I don’t like groupthink. All groups have it, and this is not the worst at it, by far, but there is a slight stifling that goes on that I do not approve of.
There are times when I eye a conversation and decide not to wade into it. Sometimes, it’s because I’m not up for an argument, and sometimes, it’s because I know that my opinion is so out there, it’s not going to be welcomed. Therefore, I’m self-censoring, which is not ideal. It’s what I do much of the time, though.
I do envy Jack for not giving a shit about how he says things, but I also think he needs to think a bit. He tries to defend himself by saying it’s how he and his friends talk. Well, we’re not his friends. Also, that’s a bad excuse for being a jackhole. Even if it’s not deliberate, it’s still off-putting.
I don’t know where I draw the line between being yourself and being a jerk, but he goes well past that line. Also, again, it’s dudes who are allowed to be their authentic selves while women and AFAB people are more penalized for not fitting in.
In Jack’s case, it’s also because he’s mostly online and on the younger side. And he hangs out with people just like him (I’m guessing the predominance of them are guys, too). It’s easy to think if everyone around you thinks the way you do, everyone in general does as well.
People have been very impatient and brusque with him. Neurotypicals, I mean. Or more specificially, people who are not autistic (since autism and ADHD are different things). I can often see what Jack is trying to say, but do I want to defend him? Sometimes. Othertimes, he makes me angry, too. Especially when he talks as if he’s the authority on America (he’s not from this country and doesn’t live in it).
I do get uncomfortable sometimes the way this group reacts to people with autism. I’m not talking about Jack in particular; there are other people who have it, too. One person in particular (who also identifies as agender) will ask questions from a philosophical point of view, but some people will take it quite personally or view it is worthless. And will be quite nasty about it.
It shows me that this is not a safe group to be more out there with my weirdness. This group is more mainstream than not, which is…fine. I’m not there for the weirdness, but I’m also not completely comfortable with the normalness, either.
I’m used to being the outlier, but it’s not a fun place to constantly be.
Let’s tie this in with dating! But first, here is my post from yesterday.
When it comes to dating, I feel like I’m stuck in limbo. I don’t fit in with the normies (and don’t want to, quite honestly), but I’m not weird enough for the true weirdos, either. I am very much an artist/creative type, but I don’t drink or do drugs. That definitely makes me an outlier in that scene. Not only do I not do either, I don’t like being around people who overindulge. Especially when most/all of them are doing it.
I don’t know where to look for a partner, quite frankly. I don’t want to use the apps, but that’s where most people do it these days, I guess. I could join a group with the secondary purpose of looking for someone to date, but that seems scuzzy to me. I mean, I guess it’s not if I don’t make it obvious or rude, but it still feels wrong to me.
This is one of the problems with having a broken brain (I’m saying that with my tongue firmly in my cheek). I have been able to figure out how society works for the most part, but when I don’t know, I really don’t know. What I mean is that much of what I do is by rote and memorization. I have scripts for different situations. If one comes up that I haven’t experienced before, then I’m at a complete loss.
I get so flustered in those situations. Dating is full of them. I know how to act in general, but when it comes to the specifics, I freak out. I’m like a computer (there’s the tech!). If everything is running smoothly, then it’s all good. If it’s not, though, then I’ll be fucked if I know what to do. This has gotten worse since my medical crisis, and I’m not happy about it.
Look. I’ve said that I was happy to exchange anything for being alive. I mean, there’s nothing that’s of any use to me if I’m permanently dead. That doesn’t mean I’m happy about those exchanges, though. Such as not being able to write fiction. I have tried and tried, but I can only get so far.
More tomorrow.