I’m weird. This is my third post about it. I have plenty to say, so I’m going to keep going until I am done. I ended the last post by asking whether I would be normal if I could. My short answer was, “I don’t know.”
For the most part, I like who I am. Well, let me phrase that a bit differently. I like the components of myself that are usually problematic to other people or ‘not normal’. Asian, bisexual, agender, nonmonogamous, aromantic, etc. I love my hobbies of writing, From games (well, that’s love-hate, but more love than hate. Just), and Taiji/Bagua.
My immediate thought was that I would change things about myself if I could in order to be normal. After a second thought, though, I changed my mind. When I thought about each individual aspect of my being, I couldn’t think of any that I would change. I’m not talking about my flaws, by the way. I have plennty of those that I would give up in a heartbeat. The different aspects of my personality, though? Let’s go through them one by one.
Taiwanese American? I like being Taiwanese American. It’s a unique perspective that not many people share–especially since my parents are pro-independent Taiwan. It does get irritating when Chinese people want to say we’re the same–we are not. And, no one knows anything about Taiwan, but I ain’t mad about that. It’s such a tiny island, and I don’t know much myself. I will say I appreciate that my Taiwanese genes are keeping me looking young. I look at least ten years younger than my age–if not more. no one thinks I’m in my fifties, which is funny because everyone thought I was older when I was a kid.
Bisexual? I’m not keen on the term, but I love being one. I also don’t like pansexual or omnisexual. They both are just a bit too precious to me. I would prefer just to say sexual, but that’s precious in and of itself. Plus, it gives out the wrong message. I prefer queer, but most people think that just means gay. So until I can find something that feels better, I’ll stick with bisexual. Some bis have taken it to mean, “I’m attracted to people like me and people not like me”, which will do for now. I like having the choices, though. I like that I can be attracted to anyone. What can I say? I like having my choices.
Agender? This one is iffy. I would be fine with being a woman if it didn’t feel so restrictive. Gender roles are still so rigid in this society. You would think in 2024, we would have moved forward in this aspect–and we have! But just, sadly, not that far. Or rather, not far enough for me. If I were twenty years old, I probably would have chosen nonbinary, but it doesn’t feel right to me.
Side note: I just wish we were over gender. Not in the sense that people shouldn’t be a gender or it shouldn’t be important to them, but that a gender didn’t lock you into roles, hobbies, clothing choices, etc. I honestly think I would be fine with being a woman if there weren’t so many expectations wrapped up in it. Ever since I was a child, I have been told what I can and cannot do as a girl/woman, and it never aligns with what I want to do/say/be.
I don’t hate my body or feel I’m in the wrong one. I used to hate my body, but it was because of how anti-fat this country is. It’s a deep hatred, and it makes me sad that men are starting to embrace it more than before. That’s not what I want from my equality!
Areligious? I’m happy with that. I have no need for religion in my life, and I am much happier after leaving Christianity than when I was in it. To be fair, I was forced into it and was part of a very reactionary, sexist branch of it. It scarred me for at least two decades, and it was deeply unpleasant when I left (because my mother made a huge fuss. I never should have told her).
I think if I had the choice, I would like movies and TV shows. I’m not sure, though, because I don’t really miss them. Obviously. I think I would like to enjoy more music, but I’m also ok with what I like now. That’s one thing about being a weirdo–I don’t know what it’s like to be normal. How can I say if I want to be that way or not?
I realized that I don’t want to be normal, exactly. I don’t wish I wanted children or to get married. I don’t want to live with someone or have a monogamous romantic relationship. I think I would like to have sex and maybe some romance, but neither is super important to me. I really like sex, but I don’t have the motivation to get out there and look for it. When my brother was dating, he was writing to a dozen women a day. He went out on a date a week (average) and was very proactive in meeting women.
I’m really lazy. I used to joke that I would date/have sex if I could order it like pizza to be delivered to me. I mean, I could–just not legally. And I don’t want someone in my house for a few reasons. I would liek to have sex in the next year or so. Right before the pandemic hit (and I mean like a month or two), I had decided that I was going to dip my toe into dating. That didn’t happen, obviously, and then I had my medical crisis at the end of 2021.
I don’t want to date, really. I just want sex. Or rather, I’d like a sex buddy or two. Someone with whom I can Netflix and chill–without the Netflix (I don’t like movies, remember). I really think someone I see once or twice a week would be perfect. I don’t want to get too involved with someone else because then I’ll become obsessed. I know how my brain works.
More tomorrow.