My brother and I were talking about his journey into dating apps land. I set up my OkCupid profile out of curiosity and immediately shut down. It made me panic because there was just too much stuff to look over. And they were pinging me with notifications that didn’t matter. I don’t like not being in control of what I see, which is an issue of mine. In addition, the first woman confused me because she was married, straight, and looking for friends with benefits. Presumably, only men, so why did she show up for me?
The algorithms don’t like me. I’m a freak and I break all the boundaries, and as open as the profile is, they still don’t like it when the person doesn’t go down a prescribed path. I left it open to pretty much anything other than just friends and maybe a few other constraints. It did not like it, and I did not like the app. I prefer Bumble because it’s much smaller and with less choices.
Anyway, my brother called me yesterday, nervous and excited because a woman he thought was way out of his league (but swiped right on, anyway), matched with him. I was tickled to see him so excited, like a kid in a candy shop. And, I must admit, it was fun to see and hear him so nervous as he’s usually very cool under pressure.
I did tell him that she was just a person like he was. I don’t really believe in leagues or being out of them, but I understand feeling someone is out of reach. However, she is just a person with flaws and assets like the rest of us, no matter how attractive she is. Plus, he doesn’t know her so it’s her personality might not match his at all. Or her smell. Or anything else.
I didn’t want to dampen his enthusiasm too much, so I let him be free to feel the butterflies. He hasn’t dated in nearly three decades and it’s pretty endearing to see him nervous about it.
I will say, though, that we got into a bit of a tiff because he only likes skinny women with no boobs, the slightest bit of hips, and no ass. He doesn’t like them to wear makeup, either. He’s very frank about this, and it’s just grating to hear at times. I’m fat. But more than that, I have huge boobs and now have an ass as well. To hear him repeatedly talk about how not attractive he finds even normal weight women, well, it’s not great for the ego. So I was a bit sharp when he said for the umpteenth time that some normal-weight woman was too heavy for him. He called her overweight; she wasn’t.
Let me make it very clear. I don’t care who people are attracted to. I don’t think anyone should be forced to try to like anyone, but I also think people should be aware of how their likes and non-likes are influenced. My brother tried to defend himself by saying it was just his preference, but that’s not true. It’s society blaring the notion that fat women are lazy, grotesque, and not worthy of living. No, not usually that explicit, but that’s the underlying message. I tweeted the other day that it was revolutionary for me to embrace my fat body and to declare that I am not going to hate it any longer.
I told my brother I’m not trying to change his preferences, but for him to say it’s just his preference, well, I’m not letting that stand. You cannot live in America and not be affected by the hate for fat women. My brother may not imbue any moral value on women who are heavy, but he’s not able to be neutral about it, either. I call him out when he makes a face about some woman’s weight, but it’s tiresome.
He’s not a thin rail himself, either. He’s not fat, but he’s thick like the rest of the family. But that’s OK because he’s a man. Men are supposed to be stocky and burly; women are supposed to be small and delicate. I am odd, perhaps, in that I prefer stocky in anyone I want to date/fuck. I don’t like skinny. At all. I could say that’s just my preference, but it’s also in reaction to societal norms. I reject them. I reject them hard. There is no moral value in someone’s weight, and I refuse to give credence to the idea that there is.
I’m trying not to beat my brother over the head with it, though. I just want him to see it’s not just a personal preference and that maybe his attractions aren’t so rigid. But in the end, if he wants to date skinny white women (he doesn’t find Asian women attractive. Sigh), then so be it.
It’s just an indication of how deeply these things run. My brother deliberately chose to be a father in the exact opposite way of our father in part because of our father’s sexist ways. My brother doesn’t treat women differently than he does men (and people of other genders), but sexism runs through our society and none of us can escape it. I just want him to be aware so he can sidestep it whenever possible.
I really am digging him diving into the apps. Once he makes a decision to do something, he embraces it. I wish I had more of that as I am an agonizer and over-planner. It’s refreshing to see him so excited about dating. And, to be honest, I’m happy that he’s happy again for the first time in years. He did so much for me while I was in the hospital and when I first came home. He was my point man in the hospital, talking to my medical team and advocating for me when I could not do it for myself. He was the one who was going to have to make the hard decision to pull the plug on my life support or not. Fortunately, he did not have to make that decision, but it would have fallen upon his shoulders.
He’s always been a positive sort of guy, but he’s been dragged down over the last few years. In part, it was the global pandemic that had hit us all hard. But it was more than that. It was wanting to expand his world and not being allowed to. He’s the type who’ll decide to go on a road trip in an hour and just explore an area he’d never been to before. He loves meeting new people and talking for hours about his favorite things (including electric cars/environmentalism, photography, and real estate). He wants to experience all life has to live, and I am here for it. I find it amusing that I’m his dating coach given how crappy I am at it, but if that’s what I can do for him in return for what he did for me while I was in the hospital, so be it. I am more than happy to cheer him on.