I’ve switched from idealistic goals to realistic goals, but who knows when I may switch back? My brain is jumpy right now so I’m interested in seeing what road it’s going to traipse down. I don’t know any more than other people do, which is the exciting part. I can start with the intention to go in one direction, and then, a thousand words later, I’ve done a one-eighty without even knowing it.
I don’t have a problem with that. It’s how my brain works, and who am I to say no to that? It’s taken me many decades, but I’ve finally made my peace to how meandering (and verbose) my brain is. In my twenties, I used to be embarrassed by it. I would apologize that it took me so long to say anything, and my posts were legendary for their length. Now, I know it’s partly because of my neurospiciness that I can’t say anything in a brief manner.
It took me a long time to figure out it’s because I see things as a complete whole and not as their pieces or their parts. I had trouble in school when a teacher or a group wanted to focus on one topic without seeing the way other topics interacted with it. For example, I took a Feminism in Philosophy class in college. All of it was very tilted towards the Western world. I asked about how feminism differed in different countries/ethnicities/cultures, and my teacher said that she didn’t have time to talk about that.
I didn’t say anything, but in my mind, I was thinking, “You mean, you won’t make time for it.” Also, I was thinking, “Some of us don’t have the luxury to separate out issues like race and gender.”
This was before the days of nominal intersectionality, and it wasn’t even a glimmer of an idea in anyone’s mind. It was frustrating because it’s not like I coudl say, “Hey, let me put being Asian away and not be treated any differently because of it so I can focus on my gender” and have anyone take me seriously.
It was really frustrating to me, and the introduction of intesectionality didn’t really change anything because it was lip service more often than not. Also, no one cared about Asian people, anyway.
My point in mentioning that is my mentality is reflected in my writing. I can’t write about things in isolation because everything is connected in my mind. I found out this was a symptom of certain neurodivergent conditions. I can’t tell you what a relief it is that my mind is not broken–just wired differently. No, it doesn’t change the fact that I have to mask to be acceptable in normal people gatherings, but at least I know it’s not (completely) me.