I am AFAB and a part of two different cultures that put a heavy emphasis on performing femininity. That would be American and Taiwanese. It’s insidious in both cultures, though in differing ways.
Taiwanese culture, at least through my parents, is regressive, stifling, and has rigid gender expectations. Every time I’ve been there, I have been criticized for being too fat, too American, and (implied), not feminine enough. My parents have very toxic views on gender, and their consistent negativity about how I perform femininity has shaped me in significant ways.
It’s one of the reasons I had difficulties when I first started studying Taiji. I wanted to be able to defend myself because I was a paper tiger. I had many bad experiences up to that point (I was thirty-seven or so), and I had developed a hard shell and an even harder stare that kept most people at bay. I also wore sunglasses and black most of the time, and I did not smile when I was out and about. In addition, I strode as I walked, and I deliberately cultivated a ‘don’t fuck with me’ attitude.
Here’s the thing, though. I had nothing to back it up. 90% of people took one look at me and decided not to mess with me. The remaining 10% (closer to 5%, really) were the problem.
I wanted to be able to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. If someone came at me, I wanted to be able to take care of myself.
Also, I did not want to spend the rest ofmy life in fear. I thought that learning a martial art would help me with that. My first experieence in my twenties was a disaster because the teacher was a disaster in many ways. I took some time to lick my wounds and then started looking for another teacher. I was skittish becuase of my first experience, but I was determined to try again. I was a decade older and
First off, I wanted a woman. This was fifteen years ago when gender was mostly binary. These days, quite frankly, I would have looked for anyone other than a man. It was mostly because of my terrible first experience, but it was also because, to be brutally honest, I was sick of men lecturing me in general (even when it was legit).