Tag: sensitive | A Banana Peeled

Tag Archives: sensitive

Off-the-charts EQ

Posted on March 18, 2023 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

In the last post, I talked about the secret to small talk. It’s pretty simple–listen to what the other person is saying and build on it. I say it’s simple, but it’s much more difficult to execute effectively, apparently. I say apparently because it’s second nature to me by now, but other people act as if it’s a completely foreign idea.

This is also a great way to make it seem like you’re interested in a person when you’re not. In otherwords, coworkers or other guests at a party. I’m an introvert. I do not like being around a lot of other people. Talking about THEM is a way to put me at ease because the focus is off me.

I don’t know when I realized that people were desperate to talk about themselves. For someone who would truly listen to them. Not wait for their turn to speak, barely paying attention to what was being said. But actually listening. With all of their attention.

When I was in college, I had a female friend who complained to me that all the guys liked me. There were a ton of things wrong with me back in those days, but one asset I had then is one I still have now. “It’s because I treat them like human beings,” I told her. This is the same friend who, when she had a crush on a guy, memorized his class schedule and made sure to be outside each class after it was over so she could ‘accidentally’ run into him.

I was so snotty back then, and I was very invested in being a ‘cool girl’. I looked down on the other women for being into frivolous things like makeup and clothes, but I didn’t realize that my tenuous place in the boys’ club was predicated on me acting like them. If I dared to slip and be ‘feminine’, I would have quickly been kicked out of the club.

Which, well, that’s messed up in all kinds of way. I had no interest in typically feminine things, but I shouldn’t have felt pressured to look down on them, either. There’s nothing wrong with caring about those things. On the third hand, though, there’s no reason for them to look down on me as well for not liking those things.

Resists impulse to go into a thousand-word screed about performative gender roles.

This is one of the reasons I started questioning my gender, damn it! I have been told I’m not a real woman for: not wanting children, not caring about makeup or fashion, liking sex, imagining having sex with strangers, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Let me tell you about yourself

Posted on February 21, 2022 by Minna Hong • 0 Comments

My brother was over yesterday helping me with my new compy. I ordered Thai to thank him for his help. We were eating yellow curry (chicken and potato–outstanding!) when he said, “I thought about what you said a few weeks ago.” I looked at him expectantly because I didn’t remember what we talked about a few weeks ago. I mean, in general, yes, I could remember, but I wasn’t sure what he meant specifically.

“When you said I was probably somewhere on the spectrum, it made so many things clear.” Oh, damn. Yes, I had said something about him being on the spectrum, but I thought that was obvious. Like, he’s the stereotype of someone on the spectrum and his son was also clearly on the spectrum when he (the son) was very young.

I apologized to him because I normally don’t tell people about themselves. It’s not a nice thing to do and it can really freak people out. I understand that. I don’t like it when people think they know me better than I know myself (but it’s usually because they don’t) and I don’t want to do the same thing to other people (even though I do know them better). But for some reason, I thought he knew. We’d talked about it before, but perhaps it didn’t sink in. Or maybe the other times I didn’t tell him explicitly that he was on the spectrum. I’m pretty sure I have, but it doesn’t really matter.

He cut short my apology and said that he was glad I had said that because it had explained so many things. We recounted the ways it made sense. He’s not aware of feelings. I mean, he can tell broadly if someone is happy or sad, but not the more nuanced things like distraught versus upset. Miffed versus irritated. Giddy versus exuberant, etc. Nor can he always tell why someone is in that mood. He joked that all his sensitivity for emotions was given to me instead, which isn’t really a joke. I have double the dose and he has less than half the dose.

Other ways he looks like he’s on the spectrum: when he was younger, he could not look people in the eyes. Being very interested in mechanical things (taking things apart at a young age), being hyper-focused on one thing for hours. Some others I didn’t mention: not great social skills (though we’ve talked about that ad nauseam), fidgety, and being rigid on how things ‘should’ be done. To me, it was a textbook case.