My empathy has run completely out.
Back story: all my life, I have been made to feel I’m lesser than. I’m in so many categories that just get overlooked or ignored, especially in a binary world. I’m Asian (not black or white); bisexual (not gay or straight); areligious (not Christian, any other religion, or an atheist); Gen X (not Boomer or Millennial); and now, agender/genderqueer (not male, female, or nonbinary).
Some of the categories cause others to view me as deficient, such as not having children. I don’t like to say childless or childfree because both of those still focus on the status (in this case a lack thereof) of having children.
I’ve been told implicitly or explicitly that my issues don’t matter as much and that I need to focus on other people. I did not mind taking people’s such as for Christmas so they could celebrate with their families (I don’t celebrate Christmas), but I did not like people feeling entitled to me covering their shifts. Nor did I get any reciprocity.
That’s my big issues. I have been told all my life I have to support this minority and that without anyone returning the favor. Being bi has gotten me shit from both straights and gays. Being Asian and Gen X gets me ignored. I don’t mind as much with agender and areligious beacuse I don’t even understand exactly what I mean by them. They’re more placeholders thaan actual labels.
Still.
I read an article about how the Somali immigrants are suffering locally (for many reasons. I don’t want to get into them right now, but suffice it to say that xenophobia is high on the list of reasons why). In fact, they are the first target for ICE with Latinos in second place (as far as I can tell).
The article I was reading focused on one woman who had owned her own small business, but has lately had to pick up gigging to make ends meet. People are not going out right now, what with ICE doing their ICE-iest best (or worst) to fuck up my state. Small business is down 60%. Anyiway, this woman said that when she heard Trump say he was going to be good for the economy (business) and against LGBTQ+ issues, she voted for him.
I did a record scratch when I read that. I mean, those were the two things specifically mentioned so I had to assume that both were very important to her. And if that was the case, then fuck her. She went on to say she felt guilty as if she bought the gun that killed her family, but I had completely shut down by then.
I’m supposed to feel empathy for someone who voted specifically to get rid of people like me?
Here’s the thing, though. Once my anger faded (which was about a minute later), I did feel sympathetic towrds her. No matter her thoughts and beliefs, it still sucked what she was going through.
But I was still also really angry. This president has done so much to harm me and my kin. Many of his administration would gladly put us all on an island and set it afire. And this woman thought that was a good thing?
It reminded me once again that just because someone is a minority or oppressed in one way, it doesn’t mean they will be sympathetic to others who are minorities or oppressed in another way. I don’t know why I keep clinging to this belief when I am disabused of it time and time again. Most people are looking out for themselves–which is understandable and reasonable. Except when it crosses a line in harming other people.
Also, in this case, it’s all lies. At least the, “I’ll be good for business” bullshit. He has failed in business time and time again. He has caused enormous economic instability, and the ‘every day average American’ are going to be feeling the hurt of it. We are now. I’m not including the ICE shit because that’s outside of business as usual.
Actually, maybe it’s not. Because this is our new norm for now.
I feel empathy for this woman beacuse she’s hurting and her business is struggling, but where is the reciprocity? That is a question I’ve asked all my life, and I haven’t seen any answer. Instead, I’ve seed, read, and heard, “You don’t have it as bad.” I get that over and over again. Maybe not explicitly, but certainly, implicitly.
When we talk about race, it’s black and white, and sometimes brown. When it’s sexuality, bisexuality/pansexuality might as well not exist. As for agender and areligious? I would doubt even 1% of Americans have even heard of either.
About two decades ago, I did a performance piece on what happens when my cup of empathy runs dry. My bestie told me that it was a powerful piece, and she said it was better than the one in which I stripped down to my panties (to make a political point). I am more fond of the latter than the former, but I think both are really good.
My point is that I try to be empathetic and compassionate to other people. My brother likes to tease me because I’m always trying to find the rationale behind why people do things (and empathize with them). He’s right about that. I will always look for a reason to emphasize with people.
But right now? I just can’t. Well, at least not as much as I could before. I want the people who voted for him to feel pain. I want them to hurt. They didn’t care about hurting me, so why the fuck should I care about them being hurt?
But I do. I don’t want people to be hurt, even if it’s something they did to themselves. But I’m still mad about it, though. And hurt. And exhausted. Why doesn’t anyone care about me? That’s my underlying thought. One I’ve had for thirty-plus years.
This country doens’t want me. This country doesn’t care about me. And I’m supposed to care about this country? I have lived here all my life. The US, I mean, and the vast majority of my time has been in Minnesota. I don’t feel like the US is my home–I never have. Minnesota is different, though. I feel, well, as home here as I could anywhere, I think. And it makes me profoundly sad to see it under attack–from the insisde!