I’m still numb, in a state of disbelief. I’ve cried at random times, and there is fear beating in my heart.
I don’t love America; I never have. Why? Because America didn’t love me. I knew it growing up a yellow girl in a very white world. I knew it as a queer, fat, tattooed, agnostic woman in her twenties who most emphatically did not fit into the norm. I knew it as an unmarried, child-free old lady in her thirties who preferred the company of her cats to that of another person. When we elected PBO in 2008, I cried because for the first time, I finally felt that maybe, just maybe, my country didn’t hate me.
This was a lie. This was my stupidity. I was only being tolerated, and now, I know. A sizable portion of my country hates me. And I go back to being an outsider.
How did we get here?
How is that man going to be our president? After the best goddamn president of my lifetime?
A man who preached love and hope, and called upon us to aspire to our better selves. How do go from him to…
A man who called Mexicans criminals and rapists.
A man who judges women strictly on their looks and whether he would fuck them or not.
A man who called for a ban on Muslims.
A man who said women who had abortions should be punished.
A man who wants to undo marriage equality.
A man who wants to repeal Obamacare.
A man who uses factories in China to make his products, and then condemns the US for shipping off jobs to China.
A man who tweeted that China invented climate change as a hoax to something something something America.
A man who was caught on tape saying he would grab women by the pussies because he’s a star and ‘they’ have to let you do anything.
A man who has been accused of sexual harassment/rape by several women.
A man who has no experience in politics. At all.
A man who exposed the seamy underbelly of America and reveled in doing it.
Despite my loathing for the man, he is not the actual problem; he is merely the symptom. The problem is that there are too many white people in this country who are fed a steady diet of fear of and hatred for ‘the other’. FOX tells them constantly that they are in danger of losing their position in society to ‘those people’, and they are all-too willing to believe it. People who voted for Trump have more money on average than people who voted for Clinton, but they still have a very real fear that a Democratic president will siphon all their money away. Despite the economy improving under PBO.
That’s why I don’t think it’s productive to scream at people for being racist/sexist/whatever-ist, not if you want to effect a positive change. It’s only going to shut them down, defensive, and unwilling to listen to what you have to say. And, part of the problem, is that many of them truly don’t think they’re racist/sexist/homophobic/etc., so anything you say after using that word will not be heard. A further part of the problem is that racist* has come to be an all or nothing situation. Either someone is a racist or they’re not. And, because a racist is a horrible thing to be, of course someone is going to vehemently deny it.
I really like the video I posted above by Jay Smooth as to how to go about talking about race issues, and I think those of us on the left have to dial it down a notch when we confront these issues. Again, I understand the need to vent and how fucking hard it is to live being on the receiving end of these isms. But, at the end of the day, are you trying to change the problem, or do you just want to rant? If it’s the latter, go on ahead and do your thing. If it’s the former, then you might want to talk a look at your delivery style.
This is one of my frustrations when I hop on social media. Which I’m trying to limit right now. I see people on my side filling their Facebook walls and Twitter feeds with hatred, rage, and seething superiority. Again, I fully understand the feeling. Believe me. I do. But when it becomes an addiction, when all you do is post how much you hate those people, then, it’s not helping anyone–least of all, yourself. I’ve often spoken about the bubble that social media creates and how easy it is to exist in a vacuum, and I’m seeing it more so now then ever.
I see other people posting messages of hope, and while I don’t feel it right now, I appreciate it. I need some light in my moments of darkness.
I see others pouring out their pain, their fears, their grief, and their despair, and I join them.
I see liberals doing what I hoped they wouldn’t–yelling at each other and misplacing their rage.
I still don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to accept this new reality into which we are about to step.
I accept this man is going to be president, but that doesn’t mean I have to respect him. I didn’t respect W., and I respect this man even less. I don’t want to go low, but I’m not going to go high, either.
I can accept that there are good people who voted for Trump for whatever misguided reasons, but do not ask me to be on their side when they are so clearly not on mine.
The one thing I have lost completely is my faith in my fellow Americans. There are too many of you who want to do away with me and my kind. There are too many of you who thought a Trump presidency would start a revolution, not caring about all the people who will get hurt or possibly die in the process. And, there are too many of you who tried so hard to call this something other than what it is–a triumph of isms because you didn’t want to stand up to the Trump supporters in your life.
I am someone who empathizes easily, and I tend to support someone until the point where I feel as if I’m getting nothing in return. That’s where I am with America right now. I’m done with it.
And yet. Despite my pain and fear, I don’t want others to feel the same, not even Trump supporters. Though, I think they will because Trump doesn’t give a shit about anyone other than himself and others like him. Which is mostly rich white dudes. And himself.
Despite myself, I want the best for others. I want the best for this country. I want the best, even as I prepare for the worst.
This is my flaw.
I wish I could rip my heart out right now.
But it still beats on.
*And other ists. Just assume I mean all the ists when I say racist.