I am sorry there was no post this morning. I think many of you can understand why. I watched the returns last night, my heart sinking further and further as the night went on. I went to bed before the official declaration, but I knew by the time I tried to sleep, what the result would be.
I cried myself to sleep. Huddled in a small, tight ball, the blankets pulled up over my suddenly chilled body.
I knew. I knew a vast swathe of this country hated me because of my skin color, my sexuality, my gender, and a whole number of other things. I’m old. I’m tired. I’m cynical. I’m not stupid or naive.
And yet. There’s something hard about seeing it being shoved in my face. To read the numbers. To watch the states go red. And to know. A majority of white people, because let’s be clear, it’s white people. Fucking. Hate. Me.
That’s what this boils down to. Every other race voted for Clinton more than they did for Trump. White people? Not so much.
That’s not the only reason, of course, but it’s a big one. And it’s the one I can’t stop thinking about.
I knew it. Like I said, I’m not naive or dumb. But, what I am, apparently, as a friend once told me, is an optimist. I was indignant when he said that because I viewed myself as a hard-bitten cynic. I knew how awful people were! I wasn’t some pie-in-the-sky Pollyanna! He said, “You’re disappointed when people don’t do the right thing. That makes you an optimist.” I opened my mouth, then shut it after saying nothing because he was right, damn it.
I thought there was a line that people wouldn’t cross. I didn’t fully take into account the hatred and fear permeating many people in this country. I expected at the end of the day that most people would look hard at the choices and make the same choice I did.
When I realized that the results would not be what I hoped it would be, I lost my words. I still haven’t been able to post anything on social media, other than to retweet, react, and respond because I was told explicitly last night that my words don’t matter. Yes, again, I knew it before this, but to have it underscored so explicitly took my breath away. And my words. I could only sit there, mute, as I watched the returns with growing concern. I felt nauseous, and my extremities were tingling in an unpleasant way. I felt reality slide away from me, and I became unmoored.
I suddenly remembered the fear I had when W. was president. How I felt I couldn’t say anything against the Iraq invasion, the president, or anything ‘American’. I remembered all-too-well how people without flags in their yards were called unAmerican and told to get the hell out of the country.
Eight years of Obama softened me. The progress we made, along with the fact that we elected a black man in the first place, lured me into thinking that it would be upwards and onward for America from now on. Oh, I knew there would be dips and dives and backlash, but this? No. I did not see this coming, not for real, though I feared it in my heart.
Today, I saw that my niece had posted on her FB wall last night that she was done, along with ‘feeling scared’ as her state of emotion. I burst into tears and felt my heart break in my chest cavity. The night before the election, I wrote about how I wanted better for her and her brothers, and I wasn’t able to make that happen. I made a vow when she was born that I would never lie to her, so what do I say in the light of what just happened? I can’t tell her it will be OK because I don’t know if it will be. I can’t tell her she’ll be just fine because I don’t know if she will be. I don’t know what the fuck is going to happen now, but as a half-Taiwanese, funky, nontraditional, creative, artistic young woman, there are so many ways her life might be screwed. What do I say that won’t be an outright lie? The only thing I could think of was to tell her she was loved, very much. It seemed like nothing compared to what we’re about to face, but it’s all I had. Her first election, and this is what she has to deal with? We have failed her.
I have seen posts divided between we need to rise up and fight, we need to be kind to one another, and fuck this shit–I’m can’t deal. I’m grateful for the people in the first two categories because I think we need it; I need it. I may be an optimist, but I’m also a defeatist–it comes with having depression. This puts me in the last group for now, and I’m not sure how long I’ll be here. I’m floundering to feel anything except despair, heartbreak, and unbridled rage. I see my friends worrying about losing their insurance or family members being deported or their marriages being annulled, and I am helpless to do anything to ameliorate their pain. I have been silent on social media for the most part because I have nothing. I try to be the support that many people don’t have in their lives, but I don’t have it in me right now.
I have no words of encouragement. I have no, “We’ll get through this somehow.” I cannot support them because I am completely bereft right now. I am terrified to think about the next two years (at the very least), in large part because I have no idea what will happen. There are unwritten rules in politics that have given boundaries to what can and can’t be done, and now, that’s all gone.
I won’t lie. I thought about moving to Canada or Taiwan once I realized what was about to happen. Two things stopped me. One, I don’t think it’ll be possible to escape the ramifications of what happened last night, no matter where I might flee. Two, I have to stay here for my niece. For her future. For her brothers and their futures, too. The fear I feel for myself is nothing compared to the fear I feel for them and their generation.
One personal silver lining: Everyone I voted for on the local level (all women, by the way) won. I live in a safely-Democratic neighborhood, and I take comfort in that. It’s cold, but it’s still comfort. Still, the overwhelmingly prevalent feelings I have right now are pain, fear, and rage. I want to say that whatever you’re feeling right now is valid. Don’t let anyone dictate to you how you should be responding to this news. Also, and I need to follow this myself, don’t spend all your time on social media. It can be heartening to see all the voices speaking up in unison, but it can also lead to even more despair. Limit yourself for your mental health.
I have nothing inspiring to close out this post. The thought of the Republicans controlling all three branches terrifies me. I just had to write about my feelings because writing is what I do. It feels like too little and it feels as if it doesn’t matter, but I’m going to keep doing it, anyway.
Last thing: I’ve seen recriminations fly from Democrats as to why this result happened, and there is plenty of blame to go around. However, I don’t want us to do what we always do, pepper each other unremittingly with accusations, allowing small differences to tear us apart. Yes, we need to do some deep soul searching, and I hope we can break free from the incrementalism we love so much (or being the party of reaction), but we also need to work together, not rip each other apart.
I promise I will have more later. Right now, I have to grieve and try to get my fear under control. Practice self-care, everyone.