I’m tired. And depressed. And anxious. I know that I am in a bad way for several reasons. One, my sleep is terrible. I mean, it’s nearly the worst it’s ever been, and that’s saying something. I am trying to claw my way back to not completely off the rails, but it’s so hard. Here is my post from yesterday, meandering all over the place.
Another thing is that I’m wasting too much time not doing anything productive. It’s fine to spend some time playing video games, but not as much as I’ve been doing. I know that’s one way I self-medicate, so to speak, because it’s easy to numb myself out by doing another run (Balatro) or going a bit farther (Shadow of the Erdtree) and taking on one more boss (ditto).
By the way, I’m pleased that there are still people playing the DLC. I mean, I should not be surprised as there are still people playing every other From game I play. I can summon for any of the games, though not for every boss. And I get invaded with some regularity as well. Today, I was able to summon humans for most of the bosses I fought. This has been the case for the past few days as I’ve been cleaning up the DLC. Today, there’s only been one dungeon boss I’ve wanted to summon a human for and could not, but I do not blame people for not wanting to be summoned for that boss.
I am surprised that there was a summon for a boss I consider really blah, and it’s not easy to find. I’ve only had trouble with this boss on my melee character–none at all with my casters. It’s an interesting storyline, but, sadly, the two places you have to go to blow whistles in order to get to this boss are shit.
Briefly, there are these snake-like creatures that fall from the sky. One is a mage who can freeze you in place for several seconds while the others spawn and munch on you. The range is insane, and it homes so you have to ride/walk/run out of its reach. Which is impossible to do for me because I can’t gauge how far it’ll go. What did I do instead? Use the invisibility spell, Unsseen Form in order not to be seen by them. I’m wearing an armor set that muffles my footsteps so I don’t have to waste a talisman slot on the muffled footsteps talisman.
I zipped by all the munchy snakes, got to the whistle (eventually. It’s a maze and difficult to navigate), and blew it. Then I teleported back to the NPC/church so I could take on the boss. I got a human summon, and we managed to do it in one try. The human summon died right before the end of the fight, sadly, but I got the last blow as they died. So, once again, this was an easy fight as a caster.
I have found, tthough, that in general, things are more difficult as a sorceror than a faith-user. No idea why that is, but Mimic Tear is having a harder time as well. With my other characters (both eventual paladins, though the first one is more faith-leaning and the second is more strength) Mini-Me would make it through almost every boss fight. Now, Mini-Me is dying during the fights–and it’s not even always near the end.
I have 60 Vigor, so it’s not that. I mean, I just recently got to 60, but I’ve been over 50 for all of the DLC. I have the appropriate amount of Scad Frags for this part of the DLC, so it’s not that, either. And the things I need to buff up Mini-Me as well. The only thing I can think of is that my Endurance is low, so maybe it’s that? And my Strength is pretty basic as well. At any rate, I feel much more fragile than I did with either of my other characters. I have heard from others that being a mage in the DLC was not fun for them, either.
I think I’m done with Balatro. I cannot win on gold stake with the supposedly superior deck (plasma), and I have tried so many times. This is supposed to be the easiest deck, and I have failed so many times. I would bet I’ve failed at this more than all the other achievements combined by now. That might be an exaggeration, but it’s just taken all the joy ouit of the game for me. I start a new run, fully expecting t o fail. I’ve reached the final boss exactly twice. I didn’t even come close either time.
I’m basically hate-playing at this point.
There are dozens of gamesi n my backlog that–
Here’s another way I can tell that my mental health is suffering–I feel hopeless. I don’t see the point in being alive, and I feel like no one would care if I died for a third and final time. I know this is not true, but my brain insists on saying it otherwise.
Family shit isn’t helping. It never does, obviously, but it’s getting worse. I had reached an equilibrium about it, but that’s gone to hell.
I would like to find other communities to be a part of. I need more queer PoC genderfluid people in my life, and that’s not something I’m going to find in the current group I’m in. I have many thoughts about that, but I’ll get to that later. Right now, I want to focus on the fact that I feel very lost and frightenend for my people (and for me if I can’t keep my mouth shut, which is very possible). And I need support in ways that I don’t think I can get right now.
That makes me quite sad, but I’m trying to think of it is in addition to rather than instead of. The more the merrier, as it were. I’m not sure that’s feasible, but I’m going to try my best to expand my circle, as it were.